5/31/25
Today was the second time in two weeks that Hunter with his spasmodic, energetic toddler movements, suddenly threw his head back and hit my lip so hard it bled.
6/2/25
if Hunter had a sibling, they would have their own sibling world together and that would be nice, if we could afford it. but i was thinking: this is really sweet too, the three of us. It’s like we’re this one unit, and R & I get to grow up from childhood, all over again. I like the dynamic of us all growing up together.
6/6/25
hands a little worse after getting a little better, but still not as bad as before, initially.
6/8/25
why did I last night, after waiting for hours for the husband I usually love so much to come home after a night of drinking and he’d stopped responding to my texts and call (he’d fallen asleep at the friend’s but i thought he was headed home, i stayed up all night waiting), did I get the fleeting wish in my mind that maybe he got pulled over while driving and arrested and would be deported, so I could start all over again? with someone more responsible and rich, is what i thought. is there an evil inside me – what a terrible thing to think of someone i should be loving and protecting- why was I thinking those things? Or is it just an extreme anger that is triggered by something.. maybe a major trigger issue I have (vagueness/skirting responsibility/insensitivity in a partner)? Or is there just something I really want currently that I’m not getting with him, so i want an easy out? when I was wishing it, just for a few seconds, my heart longed to experience the romance and excitement of finding new love again. I can’t have both, I feel, it seems. I can’t have the level of romance and passion I want AND have a long-term marriage w/a kid at the same time – it’s like the duties of one situation cancels out the other. It’s like this is the choice: “do you want to stay married, or do you want a life of adventure and freedom and spontaneity? and you can’t have both.” and I long for both equally. I wanted a life of freedom way earlier in life than i wanted marriage, but still, at this moment, i want both. I do love him, and chose him for so many reasons. And maybe this is just a season- a very burdensome responsibility-laden season- because we have a young kid, and it will pass, and things will become more light and magical again? Maybe just being sick with my feet and being sleep deprived, being angry at his vagueness on when he would be returning, the burden of caring for the baby, and concern of our big move and selling the house coming up all factored into this (I’m sure). like it all culminated into a point of overwhelm where my reaction was extreme distancing myself from him, rather than love or concern or something positive. I don’t know how to change that- I feel like my first reaction is always to distance when I’m hurt or overwhelmed. Maybe I don’t truly in my heart wish what I wished: i don’t think on nearly anywhere near those lines – i think totally opposite those lines, outside of an extreme anger state – so maybe it was more like a mental defense mechanism to distance me from the problem – kind of an easy way out from the stress of it, as opposed to staying in it and trying to solve all the issues brought up by the situation. But i got scared right after i thought it, that i might make it come true just by thinking it. I cried really hard before going to bed this morning at about 11 AM. Yes, not p.m. – 11 a.m., because he got home around 9 am and only then could i leave baby to go through my feet routine that i need to, to be comfortable enough to sleep. I cried out of guilt and confusion, frustration and exhaustion. I asked God to please help me, over and over, as i cried. I want to understand myself, i want to treat my loved ones with love and respect and always do the best thing, but i just feel like something’s messed up, and I don’t know what to do because I can’t really pinpoint what it/they are yet.
Marriage Journal 