timelines

8/9/24

i feel like 63% of this phase is tricking baby into doing things that are good for him. eat. sleep. drink water. brush your teeth.

8/11/24

last night I was so tired that when I finally got to lay down and thought of the ocean, I don’t even remember thinking about it for more than two seconds before I fell asleep. 

have been asking myself this seriously: “What if I stopped blaming R for everything? If in my deepest heart believed that we are in this together. What would change?” He said something to me recently that made me realize that his love is just as pure as when we first met. He asked me if I thought I could find someone who was better for me – and not at all sarcastically- he asked quietly, sincerely. He said that just because he told me he loves me and wants to be with me forever, I shouldn’t feel pressured to stay with him. While in my mind, I’d twisted it all up somehow to view him as a complication or an obstacle. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism for the pain, maybe it’s a crutch I use without thinking, I don’t know, but I feel…ashamed, like an imposter. Fickle. I feel that his love is truer and more steadfast than mine. Baby woke up scream-crying in the middle of us talking so we didn’t get to finish. But I realized…i’m lucky to have someone so open, flexible, sharp and perceptive, loving. What he said broke me and I realized how i was acting towards him was wrong. It was wrong of me.

8/13/24

from Hunter’s birth until now, three years later, summed up in one saying:

“I have to do… what?”

8/14/24

The Defensin probiotic spray I’m using to heal my feet, it has a 90 day moneyback guarantee, so today I set a reminder in my phone to email them in October if my skin isn’t healed by then, because that’s when it will have been 90 days.  when I went to bed tonight, realized that doing this made me feel better; now I have a sort of timeline where the end result will be either I’ll get my money back (it was about $130) or my feet will be healed, which of course I’m hoping for the latter. But I felt better just having this sense of direction now, as opposed to just every day not knowing if it will be like this forever. if it doesn’t work by then, at least I can move on to try something else at that point.