12/11/22
Day 2 of fever: still feeling awful, bodyaches, the head pain has migrated to the right side and back of head too, I am alternating getting sweaty and then super cold, and mouth is all messed up- throat, gums, lip- can only eat soup-like things. Even seeing weird moving lights in the periphery of my vision sometimes. Tested myself for Covid, but it was negative. Can’t move fast bc of head pain; moving like an old person. Ate cold applesauce from the fridge and it was heavenly.
12/12/22
i’m afraid, that once I can, I won’t remember how to sleep right again. That I won’t sleep through the night anymore. All-night broken sleep is all I know now – it’s my norm. It sounds weird to think I’ll forget how to sleep, but I am afraid.
(update 12/25: fear proved unfounded; since R has been sleeping with baby- almost one week now- when I go upstairs to sleep by myself, I sleep like the dead – I lay down and don’t get up until he wakes me/it’s time to go back down.)
if you don’t break down and rebuild, if you don’t break out and heal over, if you don’t break open to give life and maybe never fully close again, have you really lived?
Feeling better today, feel good enough to pack a box and drive it to the post office and do chores, still slowly. But yesterday felt so bad I was nonfunctional, couldn’t even check email really, just could only lay down; getting up and walking around hurt a little. And last night the headache pain was the worst, it seemed on all sides and more constant- impeded sleep- lying there wide awake from head pain. Woke up this morning to fever blisters around mouth, but they don’t look too bad, and again feeling better, head pain has diminished definitely compared to last night.
i can’t keep up with the pace of this baby. Today as an example: he wakes up ready for the day when i’m the most tired. after his grandpa takes him, i get up and dressed and do work that’s come in, try to eat and do a few chores, and suddenly mom’s texting me that they’re bringing him back and almost here. I’m always in the middle of something. i want to finish making the bed so we can hop right in when he gets fussy for the night (which can be really early), but he’s here now and wants to nurse NOW. I need to go pee and he follows me (all the way in if i don’t shut the door) and bangs on the door the whole time i’m in there. I need to put a load of laundry in the washer but he wants to eat oranges NOW and since R is in the middle of changing him, i get it and peel it and sit with him while he toddler-eats to make sure he doesn’t choke. While R is washing the mountain of dishes, I mop up all the spilled orange pieces on the floor and couch and leave the dish by the sink (the start of another mountain) and go put the laundry in, getting in bites of my “dinner” this whole time. I have to poo but the bed needs to be made up first (all the dead skin from last night swept off, toys and clothes caught in the sheets removed, etc), then the poo is almost coming out of my butt but he wants to nurse again NOW. During all this time- a few hours- he’s needed his diaper changed 2-3 times. And lots of attention, or else he will do loud and sometimes dangerous (like climbing up furniture) attention-getting things. Now he’s wound down for the night and ready to sleep and tells me so, so to buy myself just one minute i tell him to go kiss daddy goodnight, which he does and comes back quick. then i must drop everything to nurse him to sleep (takes about 1-2 hours). I’ve been trying to write this entry but had to keep stopping because his free hand while nursing kept stabbing into my belly button or trying to squeeze and twist my other nipple, or slap me in the face. Past 10 pm as he’s still nursing but almost asleep now, i still have to get ready for bed and try to poo (i can’t really feel it anymore, i think it gave up), and put the laundry in the dryer, minimum – there’s so much more i could do though. And this was all with R here to help. Once i’m ready for bed i’ll climb in quietly beside him and he’ll wake up maybe a half hour after I do, just as i’m falling asleep, to nurse. then wake up throughout the night to nurse a few more times, and suddenly it’s morning again – repeat.
update: after first night nurse, got away with enough time just to use bathroom then heard him crying; ran back, he must have swung his arm and not felt me there or something. Then after the second nurse, i got to brush teeth and move the laundry; he must’ve been in a deeper sleep. could not ask R to help or watch cause he goes to sleep early to wake up early for work.
Day 3 of fever: headache and bodyache pain receding, but mouth and throat still feel terrible; gums red swollen inflamed and for the first time in my life, got fever blisters all around my mouth, even on my chin. Had to Google it to learn what they were. FUN Fun Fun!!! The headache pain kind of reminded me of labor pain; it came in waves and constantly and was just severe enough that i couldn’t think thoughts- only ride the waves of pain until they were over. and over. and over. got even less sleep than usual bc of this.
i was looking at one of the wedding photos we have in the house, how much more glowing and healthy we both looked just like 3-4 years ago, compared to now (i think i’m in the worst physical shape of my life, all stemming from lack of sleep at night)- and i thought, “in sickness and in health. this must be the sickness part.” but also…”we can do this. we’ll get through it to the other side.”
12/14/22
had the weirdest dream/not-dream last night. At the time…it seemed like it wasn’t a dream because like every second of it, i was aware of myself narrating every word (it was just full of words, not really images). basically the whole time, i was yelling things at R right into his face, screaming my head off like it was a release of the whole past year’s worth of suffering- things i would never say to him irl. i blamed him for everything. i told him or implied that he’d made my life harder, that he didn’t do shit for the baby compared to what i have to do night after night, that he’s lazy, that he doesn’t keep his promises or do what he sys he will, all this kind of stuff. it was just one horrible screaming rant, and at the time, i knew it wasn’t real – i was more like….FANTASIZING about doing all this while baby was nursing and i was falling asleep/half asleep/more than half asleep. i blamed him for everything.
in this dream/not-dream, i remembered yelling, “do something! fucking do something!” a lot, bc i hate having to tell him every time he has to change the baby or something.
there was also me pleading to him, “at least tell me I’m doing a good job” and “have some pity on me.” things I really do wish he would do more of, but I’m afraid to ask for, because maybe I’m not doing a good job, or he doesn’t think I am, I don’t know –
i told him, “until you’ve stayed up every night for 15 months- you have no right to judge me for anything.” i went on about how his life has not been so radically changed as mine- that at least he still gets his nights- still gets to go to sleep all night, each night. That’s not a small thing.
it was almost like a fever dream. i guess it was a fever dream…i had an actual fever while entering dreamstate.
*
i was thinking, if you love someone, if they do something that strikes you as lazy or not enough or offensive, you can’t be quick to accept that was the intention. Like if you love someone and think that they always try to do the best thing, then your first reaction to all that stuff should be, “what am I missing?” As in: what am I missing about his experience or his viewpoint that made him behave this way or what am I missing in my own perception, because I know he would never mean to hurt me.
Just remembered today while typing for work and music happened to be playing, that back when we were in the office I used to play music in my headphones while simultaneously transcribing through the same headphones and dancing a little, as much as I could with my coworkers around me, in my seat while I typed, I had so much energy, and it felt good to listen to whatever i wanted 🙂
Wondered for a moment if I should thank R for making me a mother. Then realized that no…that only the mother can make herself a Mother. By fully stepping into the pain (of pregnancy, of birth, of childcare), of accepting all you have lost because of your child- his price- and being not only ok with it- realizing all that you’ve lost will at first hurt like hell and then double back into gain. I just know. I know it will, if I can just get to the other side.
12/19/22
was admitted to the hospital (Virtua Voorhees) on Friday 12/16 and I’m still here as of Monday 12/19, though they said I might be able to go home today. how I got here: on Thursday night, my neck (the skin) hurt so bad during the night and nothing seemed to quell the pain so that I was up all night. Only when I massaged my shoulders did the pain recede a bit, but just came back as soon as I stopped. so I called a nearby dermatologist for a telehealth appointment the next day, and pretty soon after she saw how bad my neck looked on our FaceTime call, she said that I should go to the emergency room today. I asked things like, “what’ll happen if I don’t treat it, can I self-treat at home, will it resolve on its own,” etc. But to all these questions, she firmly said no, go to the emergency room, you need antibiotics through IV. so lucikily, rodrigo was home, I think he had finished work early, he waited around for me to finish work at 2 o’clock and then he took me to the ER. I had to show the guy my neck, and tell him a few things like my height and weight, then we waited in the waiting room not too long, maybe an hour? and they took us back. A few different nurses and a doctor I think and an infectious disease specialist came in to see me, all while I was getting IV saline and antibiotics, and they weren’t sure what it was, and my face got red and puffy but it subsided later, and I had a fever of like 100.3, and R stayed with me the whole time. I was very self-conscious about showing everyone my neck, how ugly it looked (red, swollen, eczema-out-of-control-like) and R was the one that kept having to tell me to show it, to look up, to remove my mask, because I was very, very shy to do this with every single person. I was feeling pretty bad the first day at the hospital: woozy from the fever, pain shooting in my neck, sad about having to come to the hospital (I feel like I “failed” if I have to go to hospital/like I can’t manage my own health), etc. So the past few days- Saturday, Sunday, and today- have just been rounds of antibiotic IV, antiviral pills, periodic vital sign checking, and being woken up at like six in the morning to bright lights and a phlebotomist collecting blood samples from my arm to send out for testing (but thankfully that did not happen this morning, my last morning – I was kind of dreading it would again last night). The redness and puffy swelling gradually went down in my neck, and the pain subsided too, and today it’s looking better, as confirmed by the infectious disease person and myself too looking in the mirror. So now, 11:36 AM, just here with my work laptop in front of me about to do a little work, the IV machine is beeping because the bag of antibiotic is finished so I’m about to call the nurse, and also order some lunch, and hopefully be out of here today. I miss my baby. been pumping milk the whole time here, but mom says he’s not drinking much, just eating a lot and asked for water last night when he woke up only two times. she said he goes back to sleep pretty easily, which gives me some hope that maybe I’ll be seeing sleep in my future. It was really nice to sleep the whole night here at the hospital and nap whenever I wanted, not to mention the room service for every meal. it was nice, but I would much rather have just been healthy and my immune system able to defend itself and never had to come here.
The last time I was in the hospital like this was when I gave birth 15 months ago. And before that, never.
12/24/22
Sleep deprivation doesn’t just happen at night. When you’re sleep deprived, it’s 24/7 until you remedy it. It’s 24/7 because when you wake up in the morning, that’s when you feel the worst, and the effects last throughout the day: your appetite is totally messed up, not sure what you want to eat/craving sugar/greatly reduced appetite, you can’t think clearly, your brain is foggy, your decision making is poor and so every chore/everything you do is more slowly, and when nighttime comes around again, it’s depressing because if there’s no end in sight to the sleep deprivation, it’s like a never-ending cycle and this is part of the whole 24/7 thing- this feeling like you’re living in a torturous loop. And then the dread when you actually go to bed of just not being able to sleep, the “anticipation” or knowing it, and then the actual sleep deprivation throughout the night, and then waking up to do it over again, over and over again.
Marriage Journal 