12/5/22
I like how, all I have to do most times is squish the tops of my breasts down with my fingers, and gauging by how hard or soft they are, know if my baby needs to eat or if he’s OK. so efficient, and not dependent on any third party.
12/6/22
the confidence that comes with repetition over time: “I’ve done it the past like million days in a row already – I think I can do it one more day.”
12/7/22
The last two weeks, dad has been picking up Hunter from my house in the morning and bringing him to his and mom’s house for the whole day, dropping him back off here when I’m done work around 5. The most prominent thing I noticed: the heavenly, delicious silence. To be able to hear minute changes in the traffic just outside, quiet sounds from our house that I can never hear when baby’s here talking and screaming. The silence, I realized…I need it, it rejeuvenates me. By the evening time when they bring back baby, I’m more peaceful and better able to play and interact with him, because of the quiet time I’ve gotten and because I’ve missed him, too. Him being out of the house also, I noticed, lets me get my work and chores done faster- I can better focus. When they stay here caring for him, I was always helping them out and it just seemed to scatter my focus and efficiency.
12/9/22
i’m pretty glad right now that I never stopped working after I had my baby. I feel like giving birth and the subsequent time period is and was so life altering and identity-boundary-dissolving, that if I didn’t have the constant of this transcription work that I’ve done for years while I was single through marriage, and until now with the baby, I might not even be able to remember who I was as completely – the changes in the last year have been that dramatic, that I feel that parts of my brain are missing or out of service. When I’m typing for work sometimes, I can remember still who I once was, because I typed this way when I was single, I typed this way when I was childless, I typed this way before I was a mother. Although it does take time and attention away from baby sometimes, it’s also like this important anchor for me. I wonder if..i tug on this and follow it like a thin thread i left for myself that weaves through the forest, I could find my way back and remember…or at least not lose more of myself than I need to.
12/10/22
sick today; felt it coming on yesterday morning and now have: body ache, head ache even into ears like earache (and sometimes sharp pain near the back left side of head), neck tightness, leg weakness, skin pricklies/really sensitive to touch, sore throat, a little dizzy, very cold (wearing my parka inside the 70-degree house) while my body got very hot last night in bed fighting it, a little bit loss of taste but not completely, no loss of smell, fatigue, malaise, appetite loss. So glad mom and dad came this morning and took Hunter over their house while I just take it easy here (R’s working today). I’m still doing chores, but doing them ultra slow like half the speed I usually do, because I just can’t move fast, it hurts to. Peed a lot all through the night like every few hours, now drinking some baby electrolyte solution but it takes yucky, i can’t finish it (I thought it would be sweet like juice but it’s salty too). I was just feverish not too many weeks ago, but that was over in one night; this one is taking longer and feels worse. Def getting sick (quantity-wise and severity-wise) more than usual compared to before baby, when I had adequate sleep. The one nice, showing-progress change lately: baby doesn’t ask to breastfeed during the day anymore- he’s just doing it at night now, all night still.
Marriage Journal 