i cried longer than i laughed

8/24/22

Baby’s first words besides Mama and Dada, or nene, were: pizza, bug, and duck (seems like he says “duck” for both ducks and clocks).

just started keto diet like 1-2 days ago.

8/27/22

today was in the bath and thinking about how in addition to the TruGreen chemicals my parents already spray on the lawn, if they use a chemical bee killer for the bees that are building a nest right under the steps to the front door, which we just noticed, how those chemicals will get tracked in as well, and baby is walking around downstairs and everywhere in his bare feet- how to best resolve this situation while keeping everyone happy, and didn’t know what to do, so concluded in my head, “oh well, if it gives him neurological difficulties, maybe there would be a bad thing that happened if he was too smart or something” and then laughed at the absurdity of that thought, and immediately after, started crying, because of the overwhelm from how much I realize, I’m just realizing, that I need to protect him from, how many things the world is full of, how many places I cannot be at once, and I started sobbing in the warm bath and got on my knees, and said to myself “God, please protect my baby, please always protect him and go with him, and be there when I can’t be there. Please be everywhere I can’t be.”  I cried and prayed longer than I laughed.

He’s walking a lot now. We put him down and he just goes, like a little tornado of destruction.

Trying to adhere to the keto diet as much as possible, but not beating myself up at all if I stray and have a bite of some crusty fried chicken and a few fries, which I did last night. Didn’t realize until i started this, how much bread/cereal/bagels, etc. I actually ate. Kind of didn’t know what to eat when i got a carb snack craving the last few days – have just been increasing meat and yogurt and veggie intake.