8/13/22
me: “All you ate today were donuts and coffee?”
R, thinks a moment, then: “No, I ate the banana split.”
-Rodrigo, 6:40 PM, August 13, 2022, taking pizza out of the oven
8/15/22
i wonder if my body will ever get over how much I’ve worried about this baby for like every day of the past year, and return to a normal state again. like if i’ll ever move past this daily stressed state into a relaxed state as my default, or if this is just something that comes with being a mother?
8/16/22
5:59 am – wondering if the origin of the phrase “that sucks” comes from a baby cluster feeding in the early morning hours when all you want is to sleep, which is what just happened to me
felt great(?!) 2nd half of day today for some reason. not sure why exactly (baby still woke me up all night). here is a list of all possible things i think:
1. took multivitamin with my vit D, i usually separate these two but just didn’t today
2. put cortisone on my feet rash in the morning after not using anything on it for a few days, and i always get near-immediate improvement w steroids
3. had time to do personal things i really wanted to do (play guitar & read, and i got to take a shower when I wanted to last night- mom watched hunter)
4. with everything i do, even work, trying to get into a “flow” state after reading about its importance to postpartum health
5. have been taking ashwagandha gummies for adaptogen support for about a week now, maybe it’s just starting to kick in?
6. have just had my mind thinking more on ways to improve my health during this stressful time postpartum, because the books I’m reading are on this topic, and maybe that’s making a difference- just thinking about it?
7. maybe the grounding mattress and pad I’ve been using are working?
8. The long heat wave has broken, and the weather’s gotten really nice, with window-opening weather at night, that could also be contributing
9. R came over early to my parents, we got to spend time together and went for a nice walk
10. been exercising a little more: yesterday in the morning, took baby to the park in stroller and even jogged a little for just like a minute, on the way home (when we were going past a backyard where I was scared this dog was going to bark). then tonight our walk actually got my heart racing at the end because R was pretending he and baby were chasing me so I had to run a little lol. my milk-filled boobs felt pretty uncomfortable each time I ran, but the overall effect on my mood was good i think.
11. also, first half of day, didn’t feel too good. skipped my usual sleeping from 8 AM to 11 AM, because I had urgent work that came in. Then I was tired around 11, but worked through it, and just took a quick nap from about 1 to 1:30. Maybe this change in naptime, and not sleeping in the morning, helped?
8/17/22
today surprised that I didn’t even take a nap (and woke up around 7-8) and still felt pretty normal. Tried to do all the same things as yesterday.
8/18/22
today he woke up around 6, then around 7 I could go back to sleep cause mom took him, and I slept til 10 and felt good when I woke up, having had a lot of dreams. Also today is our wedding anniversary 🙂
the one dream I had that made me feel really good I think happened early morning before 7. It was weird: the guy in the dream looked like Matt Damon, but it was actuually Jason (ex). Like we had a relationship in the dream, like we had before, and it was just a laid back, kind of crowded, at night, maybe at a house party? I was just hanging out with nothing urgent to do and had a choice to go with someone else or Jason, and Jason asked if I wanted to spend some time w him, and I chose him, cause he offered an activity I liked, but I forget what the activity was now. It was like …idk. a game? but a game for two definitely, maybe it was a silly game. But I looked forward to it, and he led me, and I felt good and sexy cause I didn’t have to do anything but follow him where he led, and he had power and money & like superstar status, in the dream, and that made me a little bashful, like it was a bit too much, but at the same time, I liked it. I don’t remember anything sexual, but there were maybe just subtle sexual undertones about the dream. And I didn’t feel married at all in the dream or like a mother; I felt single, like I was before.
feeling extra energetic today, and haven’t changed anything really since my last list of things I listed. Maybe it’s because it’s our wedding anniversary today, I’m excited to spend time with R tonight, he’s picking me up at my parents for us to go out to dinner, and I got him a gift I’m excited about because I know he’ll use (wall mounted beer bottle opener)
8/19/22
broke the streak of feel good days today. was just so tired all day, even though i took a morning nap and afternoon nap. i think maybe bc me and R had a late night last night – our dinner reservation at Lamberti’s was at 6:45, the dinner was really nice, we had appetizer and entrée and dessert and didn’t get out of there until maybe close to 9, then checked into a hotel (Feathernest inn) and stayed there until almost 11, then got home and baby wanted to nurse to sleep, so I didn’t go to sleep until almost 1 AM. felt just drained and lethargic from morning till afternoon, until maybe after I took a bath around 5-6 pm, then felt better.
Marriage Journal 