fear is faith in the wrong thing

9/20/20

“Fear is faith in the wrong thing. Fear is faith in lack, or that man’s good is being withheld from him.”

 -Joseph Murphy, “believe in yourself”

9/21/20

a lot of times, since he said it a few months ago, I think of this and it makes me happy.  The macrame entryway drapery thing that I hung at the beginning of our hallway, I noticed that every time R goes under it, he has to duck his head a little or else it hits the rope fabric that’s hanging down. One day a few months ago after he just passed underneath it I offered, “I can take that down—it looks like you have to bend your head every time” and he looked at it for a second and said, “No, but it’s pretty.” So it’s still up.  I would have taken it down, but I’m glad he said that cause I think it looks really pretty there too : ) Now every time I look at it (which is a lot, since I’m working from home every day still), it reminds me that my husband can appreciate beauty/decorations. Idk why but I…didn’t expect …a husband to really be able to have those opinions/make those kind of decisions. It sounds very stereotyping/old-fashioned to say it. But it did surprise me.

*

will I become who they say I am? or will I become who I see I am?

9/22/20

something that gave me a rush of happiness last night: R just suddenly, when I sat down for nightly cuddle in his bed, wrapped his arms around me (he was lying down, I was still sitting up) and said, “I love you so much! [and other stuff that I forgot]” and I was just laughing cause it was so out of the blue/random, and I said I love him too and we laughed. lol. but it was nice cause we don’t say it all the time, so when we say it, I feel like the impact is harder, and I like it this way.

9/23/20

realized something tonight: there is a point, a moment, in between something – anything, that happens to you – to your body/to your life- and then your decision<— this is the most important moment —and then fate/whatever may be. I just think that a lot of people don’t realize that that moment exists, that they “have to” react a certain way. But “involuntary response” is not true, i think. there’s this fleeting, beautiful, floating moment, this gift that everyone gets in which the entire world is hushed and waiting for the decree of your total lucid free will. It’s this chance, with everything that “happens”  – to exercise it. With everything. It’s hard for me to see sometimes, a lot of times i think because of clouded mind/strong emotions maybe. But i just realized that like, even if you don’t see it…it’s always there. The Chance. the open space.

9/26/20

thought that came:

just because you’re in pain, doesn’t mean it’s getting worse.

think about it—how much pain you were in w/ex like 4 yrs ago, and how that wasn’t “worse.” It was an absolute turning point in your life towards enlightenment. Don’t think pain is bad, or that all pain is bad. It’s not true.

…is every bout of pain a turning point?