These past weeks I was going back in my journals as far back as around the time I met R (in 2017) kind of in prep for our first wedding anniversary this week (on 8/18), and found this entry that I wrote about 4 months after I met him. It just struck me as…a nice one about…facing what you say you want and not getting in your own way if it’s presented to you– not being scared of what you really want. I think i’ve had that problem. Like…wanting something great, but when i sense it coming near me, drawing back and hiding. Like if you want something, if you really want something…then you have to commit to wanting it.
12/26/17
Do you really have room in your life or know how to make room in your life for a man? Do you really want a man and all the work that entails, to be in a relationship? Do you believe that there is someone meant for you? I think you have to believe it. I think believing is a big part of it. Because, if you don’t believe and you’re in something as scary as a real relationship, then you will perhaps retreat where you should have gone forward. I don’t mean blind, oblivious belief. Like, vet him all you can, probe and weigh and question his character, and after you’ve done all that is humanly and womanly possible to know if he is quality..and you still love him…then—then you can’t make up excuses for why it won’t work. Then you have to believe that someone could love you. Not mainstream American love. Not just city love or suburban love. But…the kind of love that you have no words for because when you try to imagine it, the feeling chokes you. One that is not only worldly, but includes the spiritual, intuitive, heavenly, unseen. Do you believe it? Do you believe? Don’t be afraid. I hear him saying it to me, over and over. Don’t be afraid.
Marriage Journal 