8/2/20
I really like when I can make R laugh—like when I say or do something that elicits the “high” harsh “real” laugh from him, I feel really…good, accomplished, happy. I feel like I did it to him two times today at least : )
8/3/20
we must put away our willingness to profit from the exploitation of others. – John Lewis
8/4/20
As she changes her mind, so she will change her body.
She purified her bloodstream with her thoughts.
-dr. joseph murphy, from his book, “all the world believes a lie”
*
another dream I had, I was traveling by foot somewhere. By myself. Maybe going to meet R. At a nice place I think, I can’t remember. Wilderness/hiking kind of place. I packed really light and was proud of it, but then worried that I forgot some essential things, like enough (or any) underwear for a week. I think I did forget a bunch of things I needed like sunscreen and underwear and was trying to figure out, while on the road to him, where to get them.
8/6/20
“grief in whatever form it takes.”
– https://letsreimagine.org/3780/grieving-out-loud
(how many forms can grief take? innumerable?)
*
(coming up on our 1-year anniversary. found this journal entry from about a year ago- written about a month after we got married)
9/28/19
Another new thing I feel: when I’m tired, when I’m annoyed, and I happen to be with R (bc I’m with R all the time…) I realize something different now. Before, with boyfriends, I sense it was different. Before, in my mind, with boyfriends, it could be on or off. You could go backwards, with a boyfriend. Meaning: you can back out of anything, with a boyfriend. Back out of problems, tension, the entire relationship, if you felt like it. But with husband, it’s different. There’s no going backwards now, I sense (and I don’t want to). I mean- if I want to stay in the heart of marriage— if I want to stay inside the purpose of it- there’s no flippantly backing out, saying, “nevermind- changed my mind- I don’t want this anymore.” It’s just scary, it’s just a new feeling: there’s only forward for us. There’s only going forward. It’s…kind of thrilling, actually, not being able to so easily just drop him/discard important things like that. To focus and care about something with your whole being— until marriage, I realize I was kind of half-hearted before, with people, with relationships. Like, marriage is all in. You’re all in. And I always had the option to back out before, so I wasn’t all in. Now…now I’m not- I don’t have this option if I’m going to keep the promise I made to him and all our families, and I don’t WANT to back out of it. It’s just lovely, this situation, I feel. I like it—the challenge, the pressure, the tension, the dynamic this situation creates, of holding two people together face to face, eye to eye, with a promise. And how strength of character and beliefs and faith, gentleness, forgiveness, softness, openness, patience and stuff also play into this situation- to balance this tension. It’s kind of exciting, new, in this way. I’ve never had a relationship like this before.
Like- now, I have to find a way to move forward with BOTH of us. (like the yoke and oxen.) Before, maybe easier- I thought of just myself.
Maybe, when you get married, you have to become even MORE adventurous—MORE creative, because you have to come up with solutions that satisfy the needs of two people instead of just one. I love this challenge. I love being married.
Marriage Journal 