feeling pretty

2/10/20:

I get this feeling that marriage is making me more lovable. Just like…kind of at times, for a second, for some moments, getting glimpses—just glimpses—of how he sees me, how my husband sees me. How he sees me as cute when I don’t feel like I am, how he sees me as pretty when I don’t feel pretty. It like…it just like…his perspective, it gets inside of you, kind of. From being so close, from close interaction living together. So that…maybe it makes it easier for me to love myself, watching someone else fall in love with me. Mirroring, maybe like mirroring, or like blending perspectives- becoming one for a second in your mind, and also for a series of unexpected random seconds. Like for just these random seconds, I see myself as he sees me, because he tells me every day, always unexpectedly: “So cute”, “So pretty” and I believe him; I have to believe him; what else can I do but believe every good thing he says? Slowly and deeply, as a marriage goes, as someone falls in love with you, you fall in love with yourself, slowly and deeply. So crazy. So crazy, I never thought this would happen. I almost thought…idk where I got this notion—maybe from just not knowing any better—but before I was married, I thought maybe marriage was more like something to endure and get through/muscle through, like a prison sentence or a marathon, but a generally-fun one that included love. But this…this slow unfolding and deepening of love and perspective—both of myself and of another person…I never imagined this when I thought about marriage as a younger lady.

Almost like…there’s a place that exists that you can’t get to without time and commitment. Like even if you have mind-blowing lust and highs and fucking and adventures, still. Still, this place…it’s somewhere else, and those are not the keys to it. They can supplement it, I think, they can make it more exciting. But foremost…you can’t get there without…first dedicating yourself. Like if you don’t dedicate time, energy, focus and will to this place, this place that is both mysterious wilderness and what seems like profound peace…you won’t find it. But it’s crazy cause like, you are dedicating yourself to a place you don’t know where it is, or even what it is, or what it’s called, or even really how to get there – the how just unfolds a little more every day, but there is no one map to it. All you know is that…that it exists.