2/3/20 a weird thought I just had: what if…when Mir raped me, starting then, sexually, I went inside of myself, I hid. And even ALL through the next like 15 years of sexual activity, though every boyfriend, every encounter, everyone I’ve ever been with, still, even then, still…sexually, I was still…I was still…hiding. I still hadn’t come out yet. And I was thinking…I was thinking….now, recently, about 5 months married now to R…I was wondering…if it’s the first time I’ve ever…like me, the real me, has ever…peeked her head around the corner, and started to move towards the doorway to come out. Bc I was thinking of the good sex with R last night, but not just that. I was thinking of how…how now I WANT to come out. Like…that maybe it is safe now for me to come out.
I was thinking how I never noticed until now how I’d been disassociating my mind from my body during sex, but now…now I realize it, and maybe had been doing it unconsciously with every single partner all along but didn’t know, and how now I really want to…stop doing that, and be…there in the moment, with him. I want to be present, with him. I don’t want to have any sexual or mental dysfunction. If I have them, I want to find them and correct them, so that…so that….our bed is blessed, and I can make him the happiest man in the world. That’s what I want.
I’ve never before, during sex…been so magnetically pulled to look at the other’s face- this compulsion to know what he’s feeling at different stages, with every change. I’ve never before searched someone’s eyes so long when they were over me, under me- for things I can’t explain. I mean some things I can name: his desire, his enjoyment. But also…strange things I can’t begin to name, I’m looking for in his face. I’ve never before held my mouth open just in awe at mere lines of a face, its profile, its contours, the tiny hairs, the shade of his skin, everything, like my senses are exponentially multiplied. I’ve never wanted the best for someone else’s body, morning and night, no matter what, even over my own body. Never. Never, until now.
Maybe being raped as a virgin…it was a curse that kind of…turned into a blessing in that…it saved me (the complete total real me) for him. Like I’d only been observing the technical aspects of sex like some scientist, until now. Like my heart was never in it, until now. Like: “From now on girl, for the next years, you will only fuck. But after you marry, for the first time, you will make love. You’ll create it with just your two blessed bodies, out of thin air.”
Marriage Journal 