married sex II

3/21/20

I was thinking today how a 30 y/o man and a 37 y/o woman can be like, pretty much in the same place on their sexual journey. Like: Even though I’ve had sex with boyfriends or whatever in the past, I was thinking, I’ve never had this kind of sex where I’m viewing the man as my partner for life. So maybe in the kind of sex I had before…it was exciting because of the apparent/relative newness of the relationship and the fact that we were just physically both usually in hot, young, kind of peak shape, but perhaps lacked depth. The kind of depth that…is not easily won/easily gained by…non-committed/non-long-term relationships. Like I never dealt with someone before with the mindset that I would be pleasing them and pleasuring them and sexually discovering with them forever. I never thought about someone that way, until now. And then, I think…this perspective… it…changes things. It’s not like it was before–just in it for the moment, just reaching for some vague societal-directed or porn-directed goals. It’s something slower, but..that feels more powerful in that…there is like this foundation being built, that isn’t going anywhere. Like every time- every new and next sex w/my husband, it builds upon everything already there—we’re like…taking inventory of…things, and…we’re somehow transmuting them/these details/this unsaid body language, and storing up this delicately-specific wisdom about each other, and USING it to make every time better, to also use to journey towards discovering/cracking the code of how to best please each other. It’s so…different than the like years of sex I was used to, I think. So different. That sex was “Now.” And now it’s…it’s still “Now,” but also, it’s…”What can I learn now to give you an even bigger high later? What can I learn?” It’s really nice…really…personal. I like it. But it’s also scary, I think. Scary cause you’re learning the super-specific ways to please this unique person, so like you are programming yourself in a way to FIT THEM exactly—their sexual needs—like a specialized key—like every day you are training for them—for the marathon of them and ONLY them, in a way—and through any act of God or circumstances, one day, what if one day there are just taken away from you? That’s the scary part, for me. Then you have this highly-specialized skill set with no one to use it on. But I guess this fact is also part of the risk that makes this whole exchange, this whole marriage thing, precious.