1/12/21
drinking more water than usual.
“We judge each other for feeling strong and then ask why we are suppressed.”-https://www.instagram.com/p/B7PADvFASWO/
sour things still tasting so good to me, esp in the morning. Had pickles and olives w/my sandwich today, I’m usually not crazy about them. It was a goat cheese/deli chicken/tomato/red onion/mustard-mayo & baba gannouj sandwich. I knew exactly when I wanted to stop eating; there was one bite left and one olive left but I couldn’t finish it- put it in the oven for later. And drank tons of apple cider.
now I’m looking around everywhere I go in wonder of how…like, everyone was a baby once. It’s obvious, but I never thought this so tangibly before: Everyone has been Somebody’s Baby. Like, every single person walking the earth is so precious. Everybody’s somebody’s baby.
to pluck another person from your body. to divide your body in half.
R, he had the sweetest reaction when I told him I think I’m pregnant. It was this morning around 7 am and freezing out, everything had a thin layer of ice – the grass, the gym and buildings, his truck and all the windows. We were going to Home Depot to rent a sander to sand the floors of our new house. And while we were sitting in his truck in our apt parking lot waiting for the car to warm up, I told him, “Eu acho que estou gravida” and his eyebrows raised in surprise and he looked at me (what? really??). I told him, “I didn’t take a test yet, but I know.” I told him I feel different, that I need to eat sour taste when I eat, esp in the morning, that it’s day like 50 or 52 (but just checked actually it’s only day 47 today- but still-that’s way over, and my basal temp is not dropping). His first reaction that I saw was a big smile. It was a genuine grin that stretched out his whole face, and that made me smile a little. It made my heart happy and encouraged me. He said he thinks his family was waiting for this. I laughed and said but I’m glad I felt no pressure from them; they never said anything to me about having babies, never pressured me, and for that I told him I was glad so that when I got pregnant I wouldn’t feel like I was doing it for somebody else. I told him I think my mom and dad would be happy too, and also my brother if the baby is cute, cause he likes cute things. He likes babies. R said did you take a test? We should take a test. I told him I’m afraid to- I’m afraid to know. He said but we should know because if it’s yes, we have to start making plans, like get a crib and stuff. And I didn’t really have an answer to that, he was right I guess. So I said, no rush lol- just if you’re passing by a CVS or something. But it seemed like he really wanted to know for sure cause he said it later too on the way home. We talked about other stuff non-related. But even before we’d left the parking lot, he called me “minha gravidinha” and grinned. “Do you know what it means?” he asked. I said “yeah- like little pregnant lady” and we laughed. And it was around that time I realized that this could be fun, that this might be fun, with him. He seemed happy and excited. We talked about where the baby will sleep in the new house. Two other cute things he did: when we got to Home Depot, before we got out of the car, he said, “Ready?” and I said, “Pronta.” (for ready). And then he corrected, “Prontas” with a sly grin. I didn’t really get it, and he explained “you’re ready plural – for you and the baby”. Later we drove by a car seat for a baby that someone had left on the curb and he exclaimed, “Look! A baby chair!” And then on the trip home, I was saying how when I think about what to eat, I feel like I know exactly what I want to eat now, and he said, “You’re not deciding what to eat anymore, the baby’s deciding.” hehe. And I confessed to him why I started crying the other day (I just started bawling in the truck while he was driving this past Sunday when we were going to a flooring store – it must have seemed for no apparent reason to him- he kept asking if I was ok and I said yeah but didn’t tell him why then). I told him it was because we passed some nursery or daycare and it triggered me to think about all the stuff I’d have to deal with, with a kid: parent/teacher things, school, math questions, other kids, other parents, etc. and it overwhelmed me to think about doing all that. He said that he thinks he would actually like to do those things (which relieved me to hear). He said it would remind him of when his dad had to take him to school and stuff, and I thought that was sweet, and it soothed my heart some. Just everything about how he reacted soothed my heart and comforted me. I feel better now, after telling him- I feel like it’s not just me that will go through it alone. I feel like he’ll help me a lot, and also be glad to. Thank you God for my husband. May he be the most blessed in the world.
1/13/21
After we ate lunch, R left and I’m playing music and have no work right now, started dancing, and feel so good. I’m feel a lot more excited now, with his support. And I think the more ppl who know, as this progresses, maybe, the happier and more excited I’ll get. I think it’s true: this wasn’t meant to be a solitary thing, a solitary experience, like I first made it out to be.
Last night fell asleep practicing deep breaths. I breathed in slowly for 4 counts saying: “you’ve never left me before-” and exhaled for 4-6 counts saying: “you won’t leave me now.” I didn’t realize how much fear I had surrounding pregnancy & birth (I think mostly because of how I’ve seen it represented on tv and in movies) until I actually realized I’m pregnant (still no hard-proof test, but have just been realizing in my body more and more every day), and I’m praying that all fear be released and let go now.
Day 48 today, still feeling weird bloat/air/space in stomach- all day, but maybe a little stronger in the morning upon waking- though no full-out nausea at all. But I’m definitely walking around all day with a feeling like I COULD easily get sick if triggered- like my tolerance for anything “disgusting” feels way less. Still feeling very, very particular about what I eat. Craved chicken wings last night, the 2nd time this week. A little sad I’m craving meat more than fish, bc I had recently set out to be like 100% a pescatarian, but this is what my body wants currently. Heated up fish soup two days in a row now hoping to eat it for breakfast like I had the other week, but both times it was left uneaten because I wanted something else more (yesterday it was the sandwich, today it was cheese cubes + green olives + red grapes). Slight constipation lately that has really no effect on my previously-perfect poo other than it takes like a minute and thirty seconds to come out now instead of thirty seconds. Craving and drinking more water- just plain water, which bored me before- I preferred teas and stuff- but now feeling fascinated as the cool water goes down my throat and it feels delicious. Crying very, very easily at ideas big & small. Very sensitive to smells, esp bad smells like the garbage—was compelled to throw out kitchen garbage yesterday even though it was less than half full. Felt wasteful when I saw how not-full it was, but also knew I absolutely could not stand it anymore. Really glad that taking my daily doses of burdock tincture doesn’t make me feel sick, bc I’m taking that for my skin. Noticed that it’s when I’m getting hungry that I’ll feel the closest to nauseated, then feel better after eating some.
1/14/21
The other day we were just on the couch and I thought this so I said it to R: “I think you’re gonna be a good dad. You’re so cuddly. The kid is gonna wanna cuddle you all the time.” he laughed and said after a minute, “I think you’re gonna be a good mom. You’re so smart. gonna teach them a lot.” I didn’t expect him to say that trait. I’m actually scared I don’t know enough to teach anyone anything.
my guess for my due date is around Sept 17. I just went back to where I think implantation occurred (around 12/11) and counted forward 40 weeks, cause they say it takes 40 weeks.
today I offered R one of my prenatal gummies (Mykind gummies) to eat that I just got last night at MOM’s, cause I like them. He tried one and said, “Mmm!” He liked it too, lol
last night after the positive pregnancy test, and R was holding me from behind rocking me, I was like, “oo. now you can cum inside me for 9 months and when I’m breastfeeding” and he was like “Yes!” then I was like, “but then we have to start being careful again after that” and he was like, “let’s just keep doing it and see how many kids come out” and I was like omg
how would I have known that dealing with fear, pain, discord, challenge were my element, if fear, pain, discord and challenge had not come to me?
the past few days, I feel the baby/pregnancy is what wakes me up in the morning. Like when I wanted to go w/R to home depot, but thought I might sleep in bc I was so tired when going to bed the nite before, I feel that Body just woke me up, and me and R had the best day together. And then this morning, body woke me up (could not go back to sleep) around six – I got to walk around the block and get early start on day, which felt wonderful. This state just seems to make me more decisive about everything: what I want to eat and when, when I want to sleep, when I want to get up. It’s nice. I like it.
1/15/21
To keep myself from becoming angry at cars speeding too fast by me as I walk down residential street, I imagine that every one of them are rushing home to their lovers. Rushing to get to them, every one, like how I feel when I’m driving home to him.
Stepping off a curb tonight during walk, so strange but in one second felt this troubling identity crisis. It was because when I’m walking down the side of the street, and I’m crossing where it intersects with another street, and I hear a car coming behind me and know it’s right behind me and COULD turn and might not see me crossing, I’ve gotten into this habit, I think from the defiant part of my personality- the sense of justice part of my personality—of never looking to the side or behind me—never checking if the car is actually turning toward me (my reasoning is that as a pedestrian, I have the right-of-way—I’m walking at a reasonable pace and within pedestrian zones, i make sure to wear light colors and not all black, so cars should look out for me, not the other way around—even at night). So when my walk hits an L-intersection and I hear a car behind me that could possibly turn into me, I have this habit (that I just became fully conscious of) of squaring my shoulders- not changing my pace, but walking maybe a smidge more boldly because of my right-of-way- and crossing each L-section with eyes forward, encased in this imagined glass shield of self-righteousness, not caring what happens, if they see me or not – because they SHOULD. That’s how I always walk—how I’ve come to walk- and I walk a lot. And it’s worked fine for me, until tonight. Tonight I was walking like any other night, and heard a car coming up behind me like any other car, and out of habit squared my shoulders and stepped off the curb even though I heard it right next to me (they should be looking out for me) but then, unlike any other time, I thought, “what about the baby?” I thought what would I do, how would I feel if I got hurt, and that hurt or killed my baby. I never had to think this before, and I was kind of troubled about it the whole rest of my walk. Like…idk. I didn’t care before if anything happened to me- if a car smashed into me while walking (because I was in the right, if it happened). But now…what matters more? Being in the right…or being safe and protecting myself because that…protects someone that a lot of people are now eagerly waiting to meet and love in 9 months? Now it’s different, and I’m not sure how to act because I never had to think for another person INSIDE me before. I’m very not used to it. I’m so used to thinking of myself as just a single body. It frustrates me a little that I can’t act on whims, on my every whim, like I did before (and maybe…maybe even never again?) That I have to be more careful…I’m realizing. But also..something positive this is revealing…is like…maybe possibly: self-destructive habits and self-destructive ways of thinking. Like…if I wouldn’t want it to happen to my baby…why would I allow it to happen to myself? Is there a difference between the value of our lives, or not? What is the difference, if so? Idk. I just liked…I liked…exposing myself to risk, I think. I think risk is inherent to life, a part of life, gives it the dynamic, the necessary tension. I’m not used to being so cautious about how I move and even with how I eat. But…I think now- now that someone else is here with me, inside me…that I should. And even after they’re born, I can be a little less cautious with how I move, and not really cautious about what I eat anymore, but still—I’ll still feel different I think, like I have to make sure I live and thrive so that I can take care of my child. I never felt this pressure before, to…like, stay alive for someone else’s sake. Like this has definitely…never been a part of my thinking before. I don’t want to become boring or whatever, become overly safe, overly cautious. But at the same time: there’s something so innocent inside me, and I have to protect it.
Before we told everyone last night and were driving to my parents, alone in the car, this nagging fear that’s come up since we found out hit me again. I said to R, “What if we tell everyone, and then I have a miscarriage?” He said, “Then we’ll just tell everyone you had a miscarriage. I won’t be upset with whatever happens. Anything that happens, it’s ok with me.” He said it slowly and steadily and looked at me (as much as possible while driving) as he said it. To hear this comforted my heart and soothed my soul to no end, I think. It made me feel so much better, that this was his attitude. That he would be happy with me through everything, that we would get through anything no matter what. And I believed him, because all his actions from the three+ years I’ve known him supports that he is an open, flexible, loving and generous person. Thank you so much for my husband God. May he be the most blessed in all the world. I feel like any deficiency with me—any gaps in my DNA- anything missing that should ideally be there- that Rodrigo’s half, his contribution, will fill them all up, will cover the way and make it smooth. That whatever’s needed for the baby to be whole and healthy that I don’t have- he has it and he’s done it and it’s already happening inside me. That his unconscious spirit has remembered everything that my spirit just can’t seem to recall, and already checked them off the list, already taken care of everything important. Everywhere I am weak, he’s strong. And God let me be there for him too– let me always be what he needs at the time. Please show me how.
Like every meal I eat feels like the best meal I ever ate and I think I will want it over and over again, but it keeps changing—what I want to eat. it seems like I want more variety than I did before pregnant. like every meal, I want something different. And I also crave foods I didn’t like so much before, like bananas and oranges. Another change I noticed- I’ve been getting so into my food when I eat it, like literally: I lean my head close to the bowl/plate as I chew and stare at it intently while I’m eating. I just feel like…at the moment when I’m eating, that the food is everything to me lol. I don’t know what I would do without any one of my senses, while eating, bc I feel like I’m fully engaging all of them. I noticed I was doing this the other night – leaning way into my food and staring at it as I chewed—then I looked over at R, and he was looking at me with an amused look on his face. lol.
1/16/21
walking epiphanies again: I think pre-pregnant, my walking attitude was that if anyone came up to me and tried to hurt me, I would fight to the death. Alone, single, I think I would frequently feel invincible while walking. But now, a soul growing into a body inside me, I’ve never felt so vulnerable. I’m not sure what I’d do now—I’m not sure, but I think I might just do anything to survive and not think about anger or real-time retribution. So that’s a kind of mindset change. I’m not a lot more worried when I walk now… but more cautious, I think.
Yesterday I lamented to R, “But I love to show off my strength!” I was lamenting that I had planned to help him do stuff like lift the couch when we moved, but realized now I can’t because I shouldn’t lift heavy stuff now. It does make me feel sad that I can’t help out in this way – I love physically helping, using all my body, I realize. Shoveling, raking, lifting, everything. But he said Ailton and them can do it.
A few nights ago we were just talking in bed and R leaned back suddenly and shouted, totally off-subject, “Oh my God! You’re going to be the hottest pregnant lady! The hottest mama!!” lol
Never been so interested/focused on food. Last night I went to sleep thinking what I wanted to eat (potato salad) and dreamt of eating (a chocolate/cappuccino-chip cookie). Then I woke up and went to whole foods and got lots of potato salad and mashed potatoes.
I feel like I’ve never thought on a subject where there could be so many different possible outcomes than now, when I think of this pregnancy. There’s so many factors.
I kind of wish I was more prepared; I feel like a lot of stuff I’m learning now, I should have already known before I was pregnant.
I never realized how many fears I held around pregnancy (or maybe just how fearful a person I am?) until I became pregnant with plans to go all the way. Just everything: how much it will hurt. how I might die. how I might poop during, which they say seems horrific now but won’t matter to me in the moment, but is kind of a really embarrassing thing for me to think I might do, especially with my husband there, the one person I want to see me at my loveliest always. Still not sure what to do about that. If my baby will even be able to speak, to read, to hear, to see. Why does my mind jump to the worst? And not just with the delivery: how restricted will my life become afterwards? Schools, classes, teachers, other kids, other parents. Will I lose my edge? Will I lose my fierceness and flare? Will I become a lifeless suburban mom? Basically I guess the fear is- will it change me for the worse? Are these fears all just stereotypes I’ve adopted? I know when I was younger, I dreamed of this. I dreamed of having a baby—I even have cute baby clothes I bought and kept when I was younger, in preparation. But faced with the real thing now, it’s different from the dream of a young girl. Back then, I focused on the cuteness of everything, the simplicity and beauty and fantasy of it all. Now… I focus on all these details that are possible obstacles. Should I just return to ignorance and think everything will go perfectly? (No, acknowledge BRIEFLY all that could go “wrong”—just long enough to perform any and all countermeasures to them, then when there is nothing more you can do to prevent them, banish them from your mind and your focus forever, because it no longer serves you to think about. To think about these negative things any further than addressing their countermeasures is destructive.)
Marriage Journal 