12/13/20— tonight R was driving and i looked over at him, his hair was curling up and looked so good to me i reached out and touched it and said, “your hair looks good.” i thought about a conversation we had last week and added, “i don’t care what you say. you’re hot all the time.” and he laughed and said (i think also referring to the same convo), “i don’t care if you cry. you’re hot all the time to me too.” The convo we were both implicitly referring to that happened last week was – one night in bed I told him it was bothering me that he was seeing me all the time now (as opposed to once a week when we were just dating), at all times, even when I’m “ugly” and not freshly showered and made up. I even started crying while I was telling him it, cause it was bothering me so much and I was stressed that night, and he countered that there are times he doesn’t look good too, and I immediately was like “STFU you’re hot all the time” (cause that’s how I feel), and he said so am I, to him. And we just left it all up in the air because I couldn’t believe him right then- I couldn’t come to any conclusions. And then tonight a week later, we had this really small exchange in the car, when the air seemed different- warmer and calmer, and I was feeling more relaxed, and he still emphasized the same message he told me last week, and so I believed it a little more.
“He says the greatest distance in existence for man is from his mind, to his heart. Unless you conquer that distance, you can never learn to soar like an eagle and realize your own immensity within.” -Angaangaq Angakkorsuaq
“It is a good day to speak an excellent conversation with the world.” -Anne Poelina
12/15/20— a new (and possibly life-changing) realization I had after listening to Joseph Murphy audiobook and hearing him say like, “the most ridiculous thing is when ppl pray, ‘if it’s the will of God/if it’s Your will Lord'”. He said, if it brings you peace, health, love, happiness – it’s ALWAYS the will of God. Presented with this different perspective, I realized I never considered this.
psalm 139:9-11 –
“If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.”
current interpretation: no matter how crazy the idea that I try, you’re there with me. You know what I’m trying to do. You support me. There is nothing so creative – there is no scheme or thought process so wild – that you wouldn’t understand. Basically ANY thing I can dream up, you’re able to back me up on. No matter where we go, there is something very steady inside of us, always.
“If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.”
current interpretation: Despite my own doubts and fears, your goodness pursues me.
(when I read these three verses last night ((I’ve read them before)), I felt like I was reading them for the first time. I feel like it will take me a lifetime to get over how beautiful they are, and how many different things they can mean, different situations to be applied to, different ways to be interpreted- even more than a lifetime. Like I had a bodily, physical reaction to them, when I read the words, with my breath and lungs mostly I think. And I was compelled to read the words out loud, saying them very slowly and softly and surely; it almost felt as if I was devouring them in the act of doing this. If I take the fucking “wings of the morning” and go to live inside the sea? said like thousands of years ago? are you kidding me? It’s fucking beautiful.)
12/16/20— When you’re walking through falling snow and feel as if you are in a million places at once.
12/17/20
Heaven = awareness
Earth = manifestation
Marriage Journal 