10/7/25

stuff I love about RV life: Baby is in my line of sight more often, I love I can drink my eye-fill of him more than when we were at the house and had to bring him to Granny’s during the day; love the idea that we’re not gonna have to endure a hard winter, but will be chasing the warm weather; love that our scenery changes frequently, and that it seems like there are more possibilities traveling than staying in a fixed location. Love how it’s brought us together and we’re doing things as a family so much more now, even though it’s mostly mundane stuff like going to the laundromat, going to the dumpsters, going to the grocery store. we eat all our meals together now basically, even if we don’t eat at the same time, because we’re in such a small shared space, we see when each other are eating and what. I love the constant smell of bonfire smoke and the laid-back, vacation like atmospheres of the parks. I like that every place we travel, we usually go out to eat at least once and sometimes find good food that we never would’ve tried if we had stayed in Lindenwold. I also love how I can vacuum our entire place in like 15 – 20 minutes because of the drastically reduced square footage.

10/8/25

even though we’re on an adventure, in some way, I feel my path is very charted, because I know what I want ultimately, a lot of the time. like my goals…and values. i don’t easily feel lost in strange places, because they’re strong within me. 

10/10/25

had a hard night last night. fell asleep putting Hunter to sleep and woke up in his bed around 2 AM, went back to my bed and soothed from then until I had to clock in for work at 7:45 AM. Feet just would not stop weeping, so I couldn’t go to sleep. Things finally became decent enough for me to lie down around 9 AM, and i tried sleeping then but kept waking up continually to check laptop because I was on the clock. Did a little work. have lots to do later. The whole thing was torturous, and would have been unbearable if I didn’t have Netflix to distract me.

Later, we went to the aquarium in Atlantic City and walked around, and both feet hurt with nearly every step. Not sure what changed, what was the trigger. (my best guess is that the night before, I skipped a soothe- was so tired- and that usually makes the next night a lot worse). But had to put two bandages in socks last night. in pain today so that I can’t really smile all the way.

it’s also really cold today, which I feel freezing and that makes the pain a little worse. it dropped to 40s last night and about 60 now and im frozen. It didn’t feel drier and better till much later. like around 9 PM at night, it finally stopped hurting so much. 

then, as the pattern kind of predicted, had an easy soothe this night. lesson I guess: don’t skip.

10/11/25

yesterday in the morning while I was still in bed, Baby ran into my room, got on top of me and slapping my belly said “your belly’s so big, you ate too much!” Then this morning, first thing he came in and we hugged and cuddled and he slapped my belly and yelled, “your belly is as big as an elephant!” laughing, and left. my belly is bigger since i birthed him, but not THAT much bigger. but I think he said that to me once a while ago, and saw how my face changed, the animated reaction he got, so that it’s one of the things he likes to say now, lol. he likes being super silly to provoke and to turn things inside out and upside down to get attention. he’s also been flailing his arms and legs really hard playing lately, full of energy.

9/27/25

worst downsides so far: 

the whole place is leaning kind of to the left so that when I’m walking, I feel like I’m walking on a slanted platform sometimes, like a little disoriented; it’s not the most convenient to do laundry right now with our washer dryer we bought not fully working yet, so have to use the on-site laundromats; I have to get up on a stool a lot more, like pretty much every single time I put dishes away or get them or get some spices, because a lot of of the storage is farther up than the height I can reach standing on the ground, because of less space; and we’re running into each other/having to get in each other’s personal space more, again because of the concentrated space. Even so, despite all this, it’s all worth it, these are little things compared to the freedom and the gladness I now feel about moving on past my debilitating condition.

9/28/25

i love how the baby says these words:

tissue (TEES-sue)

bullet (BOOL-lit)

9/30/25

last night had a hard night – both feet wept and i stayed up like three hours past when I thought I would (went to sleep after 6 AM). Was subsequently tired all day and kept falling asleep because of how late I stayed up and then had to get up relatively early to check out of the park by 11 AM, and I stayed up the rest of the day walking around historic Smithville (which was so beautiful) with H&R. while walking, feet still were uncomfortable, the right one still sticking for the first half of the day, and then later at night, feeling drier. 

But then tonight, I had an easy soothe. nothing really was wet and I was done in maybe an hour or two, able to lay down to sleep before 1 AM, which is an amazing time given the past like 7 months’ bedtime record. and when I prepared the bandage in my socks before bed, it was the first night I only put one in each sock instead of the two I have been putting this whole time, because I just see that the affected area is shrinking, with the last bit to heal being the middle of the tops of my feet.

btw, this park we are currently at is freeking beautiful. 

today was kind of the first time I heard him repeat something I’ve said that’s important to me, without any prompting. We were out at the playground and a stink bug landed on his electric car, and R killed it bc H was fussing about it – squashed it in the sandy grass, and H said “he’s not dead! Don’t let him suffer.” And repeated “don’t let him suffer” a few times. This is what I always say to him when we kill bugs, to make sure that they’re all the way dead so that they don’t suffer. strange to hear something repeated with such conviction: all I did was say it to him, and he believes it.

10/1/25

In our old house, there were a lot of bugs I didn’t like: silverfish, and those big house centipedes. I read they’re both supposed to be harmless, but whenever I saw them, the erratic, winding way they moved would instinctively creep me out. here in the RV, I haven’t seen any of those. There were some ants at the beginning of the trip, not really anymore. We got some fruit flies in the kitchen area which are annoying, but I think with the cold weather (temps going down right now) they’ll die down. Here it’s predominantly spiders – little ones. When I was vacuuming the trailer for the first time, I saw one or two light colored ones. Then another night, not too long ago, I was soothing my feet and one dark small one appeared right before my eyes. I looked and he was hanging from the top of the headboard area of my bed. And then last night I went to sleep earlier, but kept waking up every two hours or so because I was scared of possibly many spiders after seeing that one so close to my bed, but it doesn’t seem there are that many. I just saw one, again small, one of the times I woke up last night, that scurried away as soon as I turned on the light. spiders don’t bother me as much as the bugs from the old house – I even like them and leave them alone if they’re in a corner that’s far from my bed. I fall asleep more at peace after seeing a spider scurry away than a house centipede. spiders move more logically, in a way I understand. We did see a gigantically scary spider at our first campsite, but it was on its web outside of the trailer, on one of the extensions on the boys’ side. I do get a little afraid of when I think about going to Arizona and those areas because I’ve never been in areas that have snakes or scorpions, and I guess they have those there, but I don’t think we’re careless enough to leave the door or anything open for long enough that any would get in.

something I’m also glad about is the toilets here. Something in my childhood (a movie or story? I forget what) made me afraid that snakes could come up from conventional toilets, so that a lot of times when I was on a toilet, I would be afraid of a snake swimming up from the pipes and biting my butt. But here, the RV toilets are different. The there isn’t an open hole in the bowl; it only opens up when you flush it down, and then it closes up again, so I actually feel more at peace using this kind. also, the way they flush is by foot pedal, so I don’t have to touch anything with my hands to flush, which makes me feel cleaner about the whole thing. All this to say, that these small things are unexpectedly improved for me, of which I’m thankful and glad.

10/2/25

bubba sneezing a lot today, had a fit in the morning and a little at night. Not sure why, I feel fine today and we didn’t do anything out of the ordinary. R said maybe because it’s getting colder.

10/3/25

got punched in the eye by Baby twice this week. First was during the Gabby dollhouse movie when he was dancing to the songs, the second was at a restaurant with us eating with my parents visiting here, he just flung his fist back for some reason that I forget/perhaps for no reason. it’s always when I’m leaning too close to him, but I can’t help but lean close to him all the time. he’s such a sweet stocky munchkin right now – very meaty and dense and snuggly to hug.

in general things are well, but then it seems pretty consistently every so often, i get these moments of extreme stress that feel like a hand is holding down my heart in their intensity. it’s always when a lot of stressful things converge at the same moment and it’s really hard for me to accept calmly. Like today, had a medium amount of work, which was fine, but then the boss sent me a pretty big job to do, and my coworker who is a huge help was out, so it was on my shoulders alone, so I was trying to do it as fast as possible for him and just that alone would have been a manageable amount of stress for me, but then R had the washer/dryer going in my room, which is very loud and kind of annoying/distracting and shakes my whole room, but I was tuning it out for work’s sake, then R was also telling me stuff that I was only half listening to because I was trying to concentrate on work, and then Hunter is always yelling something, and then the energy taken from the washer/dryer tripped some circuit and all our power went out and my laptop I was working on was on its last leg of battery and I was afraid it would shut down before I got the power back up to charge it again, and R had gone to I didn’t even know where because I wasn’t paying attention when he told me, but his truck was gone (realized later it was ShopRite to get meat that he barbecued today, which was delicious), and the TV had been distracting Hunter, which was good for me, but that went out with the power so my anxiety started mounting because I was alone with Hunter with urgent work to do and I didn’t know when R was getting back, so I took a break to at first call him, and then text when he didn’t pick up, and this was all kind of when it converged and stressed me out.  moments like these happen to me maybe once every 1-3 weeks. also leading up to today, we were so time crunched, rushing places the last day or two, that I didn’t even change out of my tank top that had some polyester in it, which I don’t like to sleep in (which sleeping in I think contributed to stress beginning, disrupting my routine of always sleeping in cotton/cottony things) but I was so tired that I did sleep in it last night. but now it’s the next day and I’ve showered, and have a moment now to relax, and I guess the stressful times make the relaxing times feel even better and worth it. I wish I could handle stress more gracefully…but why does it all have to converge at once? if it was less intense, I know I could handle it. also about to get period, so PMS is also a factor – getting pissed more easily these last few days.

at the same time, I have been feeling more beautiful these days. it’s been a while. it kind of started with my hair: the other week, realized I would probably be ghost spider for Halloween, so wanted to make my hair lighter to imitate Gwen Stacy. Had mom give me blonde highlights, which both of us weren’t sure how it would turn out – at first I thought it would be too shocking or not blond enough – but it ended up pretty perfect somehow, and she cut my bangs with some feathered scissor which at first they were a little too short, but like two weeks later, they’re the perfect length and behaving, and I don’t even have to curl them or do anything to them like I normally do – it’s really nice to have my hair behaving after it not doing so for so long, ever since Hunter was born. like it’s been some days since I showered, and usually when my hair gets oily, it looks bad/too flat, but this time getting oily, I guess because of the blonde, the oil seemed to bring out the highlights even more prettily. And then with my skin also getting better, it just doesn’t weigh the beautiful feeling down, gladly. And this may have been the first month of a few months in a row that I didn’t get a cold sore on my face, so face doing good. I did get some pimply cluster on the top of my right thigh this month though, which I never got before, which is slowly healing and doesn’t hurt and doesn’t itch much, but feels and looks gross. 

feet still weep a little at night when I soothe, but I feel like every day brings me closer to the days when night after night, they’ll be totally dry, then better. Everything’s flattening out now, less inflammation, less bumps, more uniform color. Hands as well- the other day was the first time in like seven months that I could wash the dishes without needing to put on gloves, and just before that, the first night in about just as many months that I only needed one bandage in my socks instead of two.

10/4/25

“the greatest horrible thing to ever happen to me” -quote I liked from the Netflix show “easy”

9/20/25

it seems H’s skin getting better too. Today kept him in a sleeveless shirt for the first time in many, many months. Have not been able to do that since around when pollen season started because whenever he was not wearing long sleeves, he would itch his elbows every minute. Today, sleeveless for hours, he hardly touched it. 

9/21/25

tonight i lifted up my shirt, i think to scratch my belly, and Hunter was in front of me and was like, “whoa! it’s a different language!” and he walked up to it and squeezed it and was like, “this is a whole different language!!” it was late, I think he was really tired.

9/23/25

I noticed also that with the smaller space for food, it seems that we waste less. There’s just less space to keep more than like one or two leftovers, so the leftovers are finished up before/when we cook new stuff, and don’t get pressed back and pile up to the back of the fridge, because there’s like no real depth to the fridge – there’s only this small fridge space where you can see mostly everything we currently have. 

we went for a walk tonight, through the RV park we’re currently at, just to get out, and Hunter rode his little scooter across the basketball court, and we walked through and looked at the few Halloween decorations. I noticed that while my right foot still has a spot that’s sticking with every step, my left foot feels pretty dry.

9/24/25

when it rains hard enough, you can hear every drop. it’s like living in a sardine can. 

all the laundry gets done right away – folded and put away pretty much right after it’s dried, because there’s just no space to leave it. Back at the old house, I would do the laundry and let it sit in the dryer or leave it clean and dry but in the basket for days in a corner of the house if it wasn’t convenient to fold then. now I just have to put it all away immediately, no matter how late it is.

9/25/25

“im still eating”

baby realizes that when he says this, we stop trying to make him go to bed and leave him alone to eat. so tonight we ate at a restaurant (La Posada, which was excellent) and all the food was packed away and we were about to leave and i started talking about we should go to sleep right when we get home, and like a reflex, he just shouted out this phrase. 

9/26/25

The past like two days, skin markedly better. Still must wear bandages, but it feels drier when walking, and at night when I soothe, I don’t have to do it for as long – maybe half the time (going to sleep at a more consistent 3 AM instead of 5 or later). again, this is happening parallel to the sustained, much lower pollen counts.

9/14/25

feet are still weeping every day, and every day feel uncomfortable and gross, and still must wear the bandages, and still feel, when I walk a lot, the bandage sticking and unsticking with every step – the worst feeling. But also, recently, noticed that the area affected seems to be shrinking, and it feels just less severe in general, compared to the earliest few months, and have been feeling hope creeping in with the weather getting colder, and when checking the pollen, it is now slowly on the decrease. Just feeling a bit more energetic and hopeful lately, that skin is now going to get better, and since we’re traveling now to places with less pollen year round, hopefully better for good.

9/15/25

it’s this under the radar feeling, living like this. like we’re not in the thick of it all, not affected by rush hour or traditional work or mainstream housing or the mainstream schedule…which i like a lot. 

9/18/25

A picture I wanted to take when we were at our last campsite in Cape May Courthouse: we passed this store solely dedicated to Trump, I think it was called Donald Trump Merchandise. Just couldn’t believe it lol.

we were also near this Italian place named Gerry Terry’s that I really wanted to try, but they had reduced hours and we had truck trouble, needing to bring it in to the auto shop, and were without transportation for a bit, and just couldn’t fit it in. 

On the way to our next campsite in Mays Landing, we passed a road sign that said like reduced speed when horse carriages are present, which I thought was cool, but it all passed too quickly for me to take a pic.

such a difference between our first campsite and the next. At our first in Cape May Courthouse, we had so much more space between the trailers and things seemed more open and beautiful. Here in Mays Landing, the trailers are scrunched together and space is tight and it’s not as beautiful. Even the facilities here, like the laundry, only take quarters, which bewildered us last night. I needed a total about $12 in quarters to wash and dry two loads of laundry. We only realized this after we had loaded the clothes in the washer, so went to check the office (which was closed), so then drove to the nearest ShopRite and I had to ask there for the quarters (I cleaned out one cashier’s stock  and had to impose on another cashier and ask her for the other $6 in quarters). Our first campsite’s laundromat took credit card, which was so much easier, to just swipe it. i’m grateful we started out at the nicer one though – that’s what I would’ve chosen for myself- to start off pleasantly so it didn’t taint my opinion on the whole experience.

The boys left me alone at home today, it was really nice to have quiet time to myself. R took Hunter with him to go pick up a washer-dryer for our trailer, it was located in Philadelphia, so they were gone a few hours. I didn’t get to do anything else but work, but still it was nice.

9/19/25

tonight, almost 11 PM, after being kicked and bit and drooled on my face and just climbed over and hurt and pinched, getting little fingers purposely stuck into my ears and belly button and him laughing, and my hair pulled, and reading stories while he wasn’t paying attention, R finally stepped in and offered to finish putting him to bed, and I went to my room and sat down and thought, “if I didn’t love that baby so much, I would run away from all this. It’s so much work. so much work.” I can understand why some parents run away. 

9/20/25

R to Hunter: “remember yesterday when i told you what’s a human being?”

me to Hunter: “what’s a human being?”

H, emphatically: “it’s a human that’s a bean!”

(i’m sure that’s not how R explained it, but Hunter was watching a video and I think just wanted to get me off his back)

9/8/25

Hunter did something really cool the day before yesterday. Keep in mind he’s still technically only 3 years old (with his bday coming up this week). he and Rodrigo had just gotten a Roku, the thing that lets you watch a bunch of different stuff on TV, and he was excited about it and watching different kid shows. Then after a while, sitting across from each other at the table, we started playing a game in which we both were trying to hit these leather coasters over each other’s side of the table, kind of like table air hockey, and we’re seated a few feet away from the TV, and a show he seemed interested in was playing, and he kept turning around to watch it and then turning back to our game, and after like three or four times of doing this, he looked at me and said totally unprompted, “I’m getting distracted by the tv.” I actually wasn’t gonna say anything at all because his distraction was benefiting me: every time he turned around I could look down at my phone and it gave me more time to read and complete tasks on it. But I was really happy and surprised that he noticed, and I congratulated him that he noticed that about himself. I said he could pause it, and he did, and we continued our game together, more focused. he’s really into making everything a game or competition lately. When we’re walking to the laundromat, he’s racing us to see if he’ll get there first, when we’re eating, it’s who can slurp the whole noodle in their mouth first, etc..

9/12/25

this week has been nice, just a lot of the inside of the RV which is very brown and wood themed, but cozy and calming and comfortable. And then a lot of sandy roads, surrounded by forest in the RV park, which is nice to look out of the windows and see trees moving green and sunlit during the day and black and swaying outside the windows and doors at night, and then just lots of rocky sandy trails, tonight walking back-and-forth several times to the laundry.

9/13/25

“The unicorn walks to the fart store and buys a fart!” – Hunter, 10:23 am, lying on my bed and just making up stuff to say while also  pretending he’s being tickled when no one is touching him lol

something else I really like about this RV life that’s bringing us together more: we’re doing so many more things together, because there are things I can’t do just by myself anymore. For example: I used to get groceries delivered via Instacart a lot – we can’t do that anymore because we can’t get delivery to our “house,” so we go out as a family to the grocery store and shop together every single time. Also getting stuff delivered for gifts and needs, like from Amazon, I can’t be the only one that does this anymore, because again we can’t get delivery. as I write this, we are currently all together in the car driving to get Hunter’s cousin’s birthday gift. if we were in our conventional house, this is something I would’ve done on my own – shopped online and got it delivered. But now we’re doing so many more things together.

9/1/25

Baby can put his own shoes on now, but puts them on the wrong feet still! it’s cute when he shows us, he’s very proud

at ShopRite yesterday, we were pushing our cart from checkout to outside, past the aisles of other registers, and someone loading her cart dropped a single roll of paper towel on the floor as she was loading, and Rodrigo, as he passed by pushing our cart, picked it up and gave it to her. after seeing him do this, I inwardly laughed at my first reaction, because it was so strong and lewd- it was to the effect of “wow I wanna bang the shit out of this guy” lol. So I was thinking about it the next day and I guess kindness is something that turns me on. And something that gives it an extra boost is not just kindness alone, but like a reactive kindness – like a reflexive reaction i see someone inherently have in the moment. It makes me love him. he does this kind of stuff a lot actually, which I think helps maintain my soft heart towards him.

9/5/25

after a final like two days’ push of minimum sleep and nonstop moving and pretty stressful packing and cleaning, we finally got out of the house at the last minute yesterday.  just when the new tenants were arriving, around 1 pm, we were in the truck with the engine on. R pulled the slides back in (he did everything really, sweating all day long like every day, I’m so grateful) and we set off. Had to stop on the side of the highway once because Hunter had to pee. All in all, this feels really good and fun and I love how the RV brings us more together because of the closer living arrangements and the adventure. This morning I could even watch what Hunter was watching on TV in the living room (my neighbor Totoro) just by lying in my bed in the next room. But also, I’m overwhelmingly tired. My skin is still not really letting up. (we’re going to stay around here mostly near the beaches, for the first few months.) Last night, itched from midnight till like four in the morning, and then woke up at 7:45 AM for work, and could not go back to sleep because of the close quarters and Hunter barging in and work I had to do. At one point I actually just closed my laptop in the middle of it all and started crying because I am so tired, and I can’t sleep at night. it’s been many days now, I’ve lost count, that I’ve had just like three or four hours every night of sleep in a row. very rarely, I’ll feel comfortable enough to lie down to sleep at like 2 or 3 am, but mostly it’s later. i just wanna sleep at night, and I just wanna like have a normal life. That’s all I want. I feel the effects: zoning out with a zombie brain, a lot of out-of-body feelings, not able to make decisions quickly, foggy brain, irritability, extreme bone-deep tiredness while reading bedtime stories to hunter, which is like torture because I wanna fall asleep, but I can’t because I still have to go to the bed and itch, or else I’ll be uncomfortable all night, so I have to stay up even after he falls asleep. It would be really nice to just fall asleep with him, together. I love to sleep with him now because he’s so sweet and doesn’t need to nurse anymore. If we had a huge huge bed and I wasn’t in so much physical discomfort, I would.

This park we’re at is pretty nice and peaceful though, it has a vacation vibe and I feel like all the parks we’re going to stay at will have this vibe. We walked through last night and the RVers have their pretty lights on, they are sitting out in front of their vehicles around bonfires and with lawn chairs, etc. just relaxing. One guy waved to me. it seems there’s a lot of older folks, I guess retirees? have seen a bunch of children too. Right now it’s daytime and Rodrigo took Hunter on his bike to go explore, it’s very sandy here (we’re near the beach), there’s playgrounds and a pool and mini golf all on the grounds. It’s better, it’s nicer than our house situation I feel. I wish I wasn’t in pain and exhaustion, but it could be worse, and I’m doing everything I can. we all are.

also, loving my bathroom. I like it so much more than our weird one (connected right to the kitchen) from our old house. this one is not directly connected to the kitchen, seems clean and has no smells and no dusty or bad corners, even though this is a used trailer. A good bathroom means a lot to me.

also really loving the close quarters. I love that the space is more compact so that all I have to do is basically lean more to the right or left or whatever to turn a light on or grab something I need, instead of walking across a room. like I turn around or take a few steps and whatever I need is right there. I love that I can go through the whole trailer and give it a once over when I get up in the morning in like less than a minute, as compared to when we were in the house and I walked through every room and it took like five minutes. 

And another good thing: for some reason I thought when we moved into the RV, that I would never get a moment alone and it would be like nonstop husband and son. But I’ve just been left alone like all of the late morning when R took Hunter out for a bike ride – they came back and immediately got in the truck and went to Walmart to get food and stuff, and I had the whole trailer to wake up by myself, eat a bite by myself, walk back-and-forth by myself and got to play music and sing alone, which always makes me feel better. I’m so glad about this. something I thought I would sorely miss about being in a fixed house, didn’t happen.

9/7/25

something good that came indirectly from my skin being bad: found Outlander, which I just started watching, I’m in the first season, and it fast became of my favorite shows ever. I could watch The Wedding episode over and over probably. The books must be good, if the show is so good.

8/25/25

had one of the most stressful days ever today. this week is the week we move out of the house, and things were time crunched at the end, so we are scrambling to empty the house and donate things and give things away, even big things like the couch, tables, bookshelves, etc. Also today went to an office to sign our closing docs. It’s down to the last few days (today is Monday and we’re supposed to be out of the house by Thursday morning), and at the same time, at work, multiple abnormal things going on this week, like a super surge in workload, a weird PTO schedule AND using flex time, and at the same time it’s my week to help test this new server coming out. Along with all of this, baby has been extra clingy the past two weeks or so and still – Rodrigo thinks it’s because he knows we’re moving and maybe it makes him emotional. It’s sometimes really cute, like today he was walking away from me and when he got a few feet away, said “mama I miss you already” and came running back and saying stuff like “I just can’t stay away from you!” and hugging and kissing me. But 70% it just keeps us from doing the things we need to do, like pack, and sleep, and just like rest a minute. today for a while, it all converged in that the baby was climbing on top of me while I was working, and with my headphones on, at Granny’s house (he insisted that I go with him and not stay back home) while I was in the middle of an urgent workload, while also suffering from sleep deprivation (went to sleep around 4 bc of skin, woke up at 7:45 for work and pretty much had to stay up because of workload), while also being hungry but not even really having a minute to eat (at the time, my parents had temporarily given up trying to get him away from me and out of my room because he was so insistent). It was the worst, but hopefully we can get through this and settle down soon. It’s so stressful to be stressed. I really don’t wanna snap at anybody, so I just kinda shut down and get really quiet until I get through to the other side.

8/26/25

just got cold sore under bottom lip. not really surprising i guess, after the day I had yesterday. 

8/27/25

just yesterday (tuesday), realtor texted us that the closing date this Thursday that we’ve been looking forward to, would be pushed to next Wednesday. my coworker said it was maybe a blessing in disguise, and I agree because I really don’t think we could’ve finished packing up the whole house in a day, which is basically what we were trying to do. on the other hand, the mortgage and other bills for the house are going to charge another time now (these would’ve been paid off/ended with our closing and the money from it), and we’re running out of money because R hasn’t been working (though he’s had tons to do preparing us to move and fixing up RV and child care). So stuff like that- mixed feelings- with stress running high this week and probably into next week, at least. Still, underneath it all, i’m excited to move, and I sense R is too. for me the number one reason is that my skin will heal and I’ll feel better, and number two is the adventures. I think for R, his number one is the adventures.

9:36 am: I’m getting up for the day in my room and Hunter is running around me, slapping my butt and saying “your butt is so cute! Your butt is so cute and angry!”

8/28/25

The other day, when I was getting up in the morning, I kind of realized in tangible words what it feels like to know when Baby needs me. Before, it just felt like an urgency in my stomach. But the other day, I realized more specifically or alternatively: it’s almost like I hear him crying in the back of my mind, even though I don’t audibly hear it. like when I “hear” that, I know he’s about to wake up in the morning / that he needs me for something. so when i feel this I go, and as soon as I arrive, he’s usually just waking up.

I think maybe Hunter and R are allergic to the pollen too. Because Hunter’s elbows and behind his knees have been dry and itchy (though thankfully not terrible), for the past maybe month or so. And he keeps recently sneezing a lot of times in a row and his eyes looking watery, and he sounds congested, and R is  sneezing a lot like that too. I checked the pollen and it’s super high, basically at the max (though now it is ragweed instead of tree pollen season). my skin hasn’t been terrible like back in March April etc, but it’s totally not healed and I’m still staying up almost all night itching – that’s how the pollen affects me, instead of sneezing a lot. So in conclusion, maybe moving away is best for our whole family, not just me. like my symptoms are the most severe, but maybe it would make everyone more comfortable. No need to exacerbate something that they are allergic to – staying close to the triggers can’t make it any better.

8/29/25

Today R has an important surgery. It’s 8:44 am and i’m currently sitting in the waiting room waiting for him to come out and i’ll drive us home. when we were getting ready this morning, he told me he had a dream that he was ice skating through the streets and that it was nice. He said we were all there – me and Hunter and his sisters and family, but we were all following behind him, and he was skating ahead. I interpreted it for him to mean that he really is excited to embark on this RV adventure, and he confirmed that he was.

8/19/25

the baby

The first thing I seriously consider 

when I get a spare minute away from him 

is what more I could be doing for him. 

so this is motherhood? insanity? 

is motherhood a kind of insanity?

it’s not even obsession. though I love him dearly, I don’t feel in-love obsessed. It’s just this constant, knee-jerk reaction 24/7 like: “is he OK? Is he the best he can be?”

8/20/25

was thinking how ghosts can influence ideas and weather and seemingly so much for being “dead.” i mean compare that to us – living now – how exponentially much more communication we have at our disposal, for a limited time.

8/11/25

i kinda feel like if you’re going to have a baby (in the US?), you should be like a millionaire if you want to be able to relax. because he wants everything. Every toy, every game, just everything, the whole world, and more than the world.

All my life thus far, when I pull fallen stray hairs from my hair, they’re dark, like all the rest. But now, some stray hairs I pull are totally white. Seems like it began just this year, approximately. But it’s pretty I think – I don’t mind. 

8/13/25

dreams-

yesterday during a morning nap, had what seemed wild dreams. In both of them, I sat in the laps of much older men. In the dream it felt good and intimate (only when we touched), but when I woke up and thought about it, creeped me out a little and was not pleasurable to remember. 1st dream was of an older man I’ve known just casually through work for years, and the other dream the man seemed to be a made-up character who was driving us somewhere and driving really dangerously so that I feared for my life. at one point in the dream i knew we were going to crash and die, and in that moment before i died (it felt real – I didn’t know I was dreaming at the time) all I saw in my mind was a picture of the baby, of Hunter – he was all I wanted to think of and focus on before I died.

8/14/25

I realized all I’m trying to do by moving is make myself want to live in this world more. Because there are things that hinder me from fully wanting to be here (mostly pain and discomfort from my skin). I wanna move so it will heal, the pain will go, and then ultimately I’ll want to fully be here in this world, in my life. It must be so nice for Baby, he’s so happy most of the time, and we do like everything for him, including wipe his butt and dress him and feed him and get him most of the toys he wants. I was thinking he probably 100% loves to be here. for my life now, I just want to not be in pain – I think that’s not too much to ask for. Just to not be in pain anymore. 

8/15/25

seems like all I’ve been doing is scrolling through results for superhero cake toppers the past few days. Hunter’s birthday coming up next month. also a bit telling: R remembered our anniversary coming up (in three days!) and I totally forgot it, seeing only H’s bday. 

8/17/25

Felt a weird sadness I’ve never felt before, today. It happened like this: Hunter has lately been into the song “beautiful things” by Benson Boone, and asked me to look it up and play it, so I found the YouTube of it and played it, then after that one, the live version of him singing it at the Grammys this year came on, and I watched it and really admired how handsome and young and athletic he was (he did some flips on stage). And all my life up until now, I was young enough to imagine “what if” with anyone I wanted. But today I realized i’m gonna be/am too old to do that – like with me and Benson Boone, I couldn’t really picture “what if” with him, because there’s a 20 year age difference and that’s just too big a difference. so I guess I was just sad because that never happened to me before – liking someone and then stopping myself from imagining being with them because of age. like it always felt like nothing and no one was ever out of reach to me, until now. like now that I’m getting older, some possibilities seem to be slipping away, whereas before they seemed all there. i’m sure there’s an optimistic side of this too, like probably things I can do now that I’m older, that I couldn’t do when I was younger. but this is just the side that hit me today. it felt like a loss, and one that i never really anticipated.  

also, I wonder if I made any old guys feel sad like this, when I was young? I remember speeding down the highway on my motorcycle in just a skimpy tank top and my helmet. Going out, dolled up. A lot of stuff like that.

8/10/25

11:39 pm: currently having text conv with R from one of the nearest distances ever; he is in Hunter’s bedroom and i’m sitting on a stool right outside it, next to Hunter’s potty. H just fell asleep (he’s in a sleep late/wake up late pattern) and i didn’t want to go in and try to keep my voice down saying all i needed to say to R (he could turn off the AC because it would be cool tonight, trivial family matters, questions about charges on our joint account) so just sat down in the darkness save for this patch of light hitting the stool in a spotlight-like way from outside, and started texting. So convenient but also still feels weird to not go directly to a person who is like 10 feet from me to talk. like when I chuckled about something he said, I thought he might’ve heard my actual laugh in real time from inside the room. so much revolves around the baby, still. For how long? 5, 10, 15 years more? Forever, permanently?