12/15/25

3 am: I feel like I’ve done a decent job so far. But also, frequently, I feel so exhausted – and he’s only four years old. There’s still such a long way to go.

Hunter let his soup sit out till it was cold, now he’s eating it. But he was blowing on the spoon and I said, “you don’t have to blow it anymore, it’s cold now.” He said, “just to vibrate it!”

got some validation at least today that we’re not crazy: I got a package delivered at our campsite, and went to the front office to pick it up, and both doors had the  “Open” sign, but they were locked. I was knocking on the front door when a white truck passed behind me as it entered the park, and I guess he saw I was in a little distress, because he circled back and parked next to us. R rolled down the window, and the driver guy (who seemed to be just another site-stayer) proceeded to tell us that if we needed help, that we should call the number hanging on the door and someone might OR might not help us, that they were really understaffed. He seemed to be a little frustrated when he said it, like that had been his experience. We said thanks.

12/17/25

 a prayer that rose in my heart today as I was thinking about aging: 

please make me useful to the end. like up to my deathbed – may i be useful all the way to the very end. 

12/19/25

Hunter’s been praying to God lately – I’m sure he got the idea of God from my mom when she was still babysitting him back when we were in Jersey, because R and I don’t teach him about God or bring him to church. but one day in the living room, I saw him put his hands together and close his eyes, and afterwards I asked him what he was talking to God about, and he said he was just asking for some toys. Then the other day (he is still in love with my belly), he was patting my belly and saying “oh no it’s shrinking it shrinking! Hold on” and he closed his eyes and put his hands together and was whispering, and told me that he prayed to God to make my belly bigger again. and the day after that when he was patting my belly, he said “oh yes, it’s big again! God answered my prayer!” and then the night before last, it was more serious stuff. Early in the night, I heard him asking R what happens when all the people in the world die, and all the animals die? And then later when I was putting him to bed, he was asking stuff like “am i going to die?” “Are you going to die mama?” and “what is dead?” And “what is alive?” And then he stopped at one point and put his hands together and closed his eyes and whispered – he told me to put my hands over my ears, but then told me what he prayed for right after: for him to either live forever or go to heaven when he dies. and then he did a second prayer later: for me and R to never die. it was difficult – all these questions surprised me and i wasn’t prepared to answer them. I just tried my best.

12/7/25

today was the first day I was able to sit cross-legged normally. I haven’t been able to sit this way for like the past seven months because of the way this sitting position requires the tops of feet to press against things. today was the first day I could because skin has healed enough. it felt good in that: a relief to not have to contort myself into a position I didn’t want to be in, and just move how i wanted. please let this last. please let this be the last time.

12/8/25

had small weeping on left foot last night, but it wasn’t painful and I still feel like I’m getting better, even though it isn’t in a perfectly straight line. 

12/9/25

today, since feet have been reliably dry,  stopped putting in the adhesive pads in my socks, and I’m just wearing my loose organic cotton socks as a first layer, with regular socks over those when I go out.

12/13/25

today, we were at Ace Hardware store for some screws and we also decided to buy pepper spray, one each for R and I. The first day we got to the park we’re currently staying at, I was unloading stuff from the truck into the trailer, and on one of my trips coming from the truck, I looked up and there was this medium size, a little scary looking, I don’t know what breed, but had a very square jaw, short hair, black and brown splotched coat, dog right in front of me, on our site. no leash or owner around. My initial reaction was a high-pitched “Hiii!”, even though I was pretty startled, then I backed away and went back into the truck, and then for some reason I got scared he would follow me and bite me, so I shut the door and just sat in the truck for a minute until I could see out the front window that he had crossed the road and was now over near the bathroom area a safe-ish distance away, then I came back out and went inside our place. R saw the dog too. then the next morning, R came back in and was pissed – he had just stepped in a fresh pile of dog doo that was right next to our truck. we called the office about it and told the guy, who told us to call back if we saw the dog on our site again. since then, have found another dog poo on our site and some around the bathroom facility which is right near us. Then last night, we were coming home from a day out, and I had entered the trailer, and the door was still open behind me, with R still outside with Hunter, who was bouncing on his new bouncy ball with a handle, when I heard barking that sounded like it was right outside our door – it gave me a bad feeling and I rushed to the door, just as Hunter and R came in and R told me that the same dog had appeared behind Hunter out of the darkness and started barking, and R had just taken off his hat and waved it at the dog, shooing him away. R could hear our neighbor, whom the dog belonged to, chiding the dog, “don’t scare the neighbors”, but not saying anything to us. But we were shaken after that – what if the dog had pounced and attacked our child? We called the office again and let them know immediately after it happened, but they said there wasn’t much they could do, that the guy would come out and try to take a look who owned the dog. but we never saw anyone drive by looking and no one visited us, so we weren’t sure if they even came out. So that’s why we bought the pepper sprays today – after all these instances, we’re kind of scared walking around here now with a loose dog (we know who it belongs to – we’ve seen the dog sitting next to his owner, who is our neighbor and seems to never have him on a leash- he seems to be permanently loose) especially with our baby, and with the barking and coming out of the dark. I’ve actually never owned pepper spray before, but my mom has given me like emergency whistles and stuff, which I’ve thankfully never had to use. Trying to figure out how to wear it – I’ll probably put it on a lanyard?

11/30/25

still waiting until after he falls asleep to cut his nails. I don’t know why like a year ago, I thought we hit a milestone and I could finally do them while he was awake. He’s just as wiggly and can’t sit still as ever. I feel like I’ll be doing it this way for a long time. he’s just too jumpy about it when awake and won’t let me cut more than one nail at a time before he wiggles and flings his arm or leg away or puts them under a blanket, indicating to me “no more”.

12/1/25

it’s just started this week, just the past few days – I don’t see any weeping. 

12/2/25

I can’t even explain what happened, but I’ll just mark down today (and last night) as being one of the most stressful days ever. It’s just too much and too tiring to think about and write about. maybe much later after I’ve gotten more rest and distance from it, I will.

12/3/25

yesterday was the first time I was able to wear socks without any pads or liners in it. It seemed like things were well enough to not weep, so I tried it because I had to mess up my routine because of the stressful thing that happened. Rodrigo wasn’t able to come home last night, so I had to put on socks after soothing (I usually sleep the whole night without them so my skin has a while to recover) and walk to the baby and sleep with him. It did hurt at first, but the next day when I put them back on, I guess it had dried up more and I was able to wear the padless, loose socks all day without really any pain. I was worried earlier in the day, but kept checking to see if the socks were sticking to my feet, and they weren’t. By the end of the day, was satisfied that things were fine. also, I want to mention that these past few weeks since I’ve been suspecting that my feet are getting better due to low pollen, I have been letting myself/indulging in gluten and dairy and everything I want, just to again test if diet plays any role with my skin. It seems like it doesn’t play any significant role. Because right on time in accordance with the pollen, and just like last year, it’s getting better.

12/4/25

so I won’t write about the stressful thing here, because I just spent all day writing it as a complaint to the BBB. I just wanna say here that, even though a bad thing happened, tonight while I was walking around and thinking, I realized that i’m really glad and thankful that: when I have something to say, I have the skill to pretty much completely express it with words, in writing. I’m really grateful I can do this. It’s important and satisfying to me to express everything I’m feeling.

Rodrigo is bringing our laundry to the laundry room at this campsite, and I just now realized something I really like about our new situation: it divides up the chores more evenly. When we lived at the house, I did the laundry 90 to 95% of the time. I handled basically all the groceries and food coming into the house. Also most meals/cooking I handled, except on the occasions (which were fewer and farther between) that we would go out to physically grocery shop or to a restaurant. Now, in the RV, we do it all together, and I like that R can see like how much work it is. He sees how much laundry there is to do now – the endless, endless loads- before, he didn’t know because he was away from home working all day. Now he sees and participates in how much work it is to keep food stocked and keep varied meals coming every single day. It puts me a lot more at these, sharing the burden. 

12/5/25

what if… i’m headed to where I was always meant to be? What if I am? what if I’m right in the middle of the journey to a place where I’ll never get sick like i was again? what if I’m almost there?

11/25/25

baby, my cat that passed away, would often follow me, and when I was in the bathroom, stick his little paws under the door, trying to open it. he would do this with any closed door, so sometimes just to watch how cute it was, we would leave doors not clicked shut, just seemingly closed, so that we could watch him open a door by himself by pulling it towards him with just one paw.  I always thought that was the cutest thing. I never thought anything like that would happen again, until the other day, I was in the bathroom and saw Hunter’s chubby toddler hands reach under the door and leave his tiny toy motorcycle that he got from a kinder egg. It made me so happy. And then just a few days after that, I was in the bathroom and he pushed in my purple paint sample that we took from Home Depot.

11/27/25

i’ve slowly been letting go of some things: the nextdoor Lindenwold news group, my sub to njkids about local kid friendly events in nj…i know we won’t be in that part of America for a long time, if ever again. but the texts i get about the PATCO schedule, that i’ve been signed up for since i took the patco every day into work…i can’t let go of, even though it’s not practically applicable to me at all anymore. every few days, i get a text about some delay or track work… i love that bridge, that train. i remember how my heart felt sailing over the water on it. i loved who i was becoming then. 

*

the cxn btwn babies and poetry: knowing nothing, but still yelping/ooing/ahhing your immediate reaction. not even knowing how to talk. out of nowhere, your voice. 

11/29/25

I still like to hold him like I did when he was a baby: cradling his whole body in my arms, but now, his arms and legs are so long that they all dangle out. I still love it, and look into his face, and just stare, starry eyed. He’s also starting to recognize more and more words. He can read small words now: new, joy, stop, go, off, on, exit..

i’m beginning to think that, maybe, despite all the pain and everything, the severity of my pollen allergies was a blessing? Because without them, we never would’ve moved. We would’ve stayed probably where we were- we definitely would not have done this – a country-wide road trip basically. And because of this trip, we’re spending so much time together, getting to know each other, just the three of us, tightly knit. Doing everything together, and we didn’t put him in school right away because of this trip- we get this precious time before he goes to school, just us, building a good foundation. enjoying so many more moments together because of it. maybe it was a blessing. Even though it was so hard. And hard isn’t even the word. It was terrible and forced me to continuously live at the edge of my psychological limit.

11/14/25

 I feel a little sad about: because of the breakdown incident where we had to get our rig fixed and postpone a campsite reservation, we missed two days of our stay at Green Mountain campsite and had to leave literally the next morning after arriving that night. also a little stressful because we didn’t get to settle in or relax because we knew we were leaving the next day. we didn’t get to visit the playground, which is usually one of the first things we do upon arrival, which shows how time crunched we were there. Have visited every playground of every campsite we’ve stayed at since the beginning, except now that one. And later also found out that there was some mountain or park that was one of North Carolina’s main attractions, that was close by there. And our park had all kinds of hiking trails, that we had no time to see or hike. we couldn’t really change our schedule because our next like five places were already reserved and planned out, so if we messed with this stay, the rest of the stays would get messed up and we couldn’t be sure if there would be sites still available to reserve, so we had to keep going. (also the park was only open for 1 more day so an extension wouldn’t have mattered much)

11/15/25

today was really relaxing, and the weather was so beautiful. We’re in South Carolina now, and when I woke up, I thought it would be cold, but it then progressed to being in the 70s and I had to actually wear a tank top for the rest of the day or else I would’ve started sweating. It was beautiful and sunny and perfect, and we took a lot of walks in the woods surrounding our campsite. Moving again tomorrow, i think to AL. 

there was a moment today. Hunter is still drawn to my bare belly whenever he sees it, and he sometimes tries to lift up my shirt to see it and squeeze it. So today the moment was, he had his mouth on it, and was also squeezing it with his little hand, and it reminded me of when he would squeeze my boob while breastfeeding, and looking down at him doing that, it made my heart feel soft and tender, and felt a bit bittersweet. 

11/16/25

Have started going to sleep earlier, which im beyond glad about – it’s been so long. it’s because feet are getting better so it is taking less time to soothe before bed, so I will just soothe for maybe an hour or so and it’s done, so I’m going to bed around 1 AM instead of 3 or later, unlike the past 7 months before. there’s still the occasional later night, but this earlier sleeping in general is allowing me to wake up earlier, which I’m also glad about, to be getting back to a normal schedule, so I can get back to being synced up with my work hours, instead of fighting them.

today it was almost oppressively hot out, and I wondered if I would have to get out my summer clothes that I had put away – if it’s gonna get hotter the further south and west we go, even though it’s winter now.

we’ve been on the road for a while, so to entertain Hunter, I asked him what his favorite pie was- “apple pie? Blueberry pie? Cherry pie?” he answered “Guacamelon pie.” he likes to say anything that will make himself or us laugh.

11/17/25

we’re in Alabama today. it’s the second or like third day of our trip that the sun felt too strong. I can’t believe it’s mid November, and it feels like summer. it’s nice I guess, nicer than being too cold. But it’s also really hot sometimes lol.  it’s also really dusty at the campsite we’ve just arrived; I can see dust clouds behind every vehicle that drives by down the rocky gravel paths.

11/18/25

I feel like it just took like 30 days off of my life to get Hunter dressed again after he took a shower. It’s like this a lot, because it involves moisturizing him and combing his hair and getting his clothes on, all while he is losing his mind screaming his head off and running away from me naked and laughing hysterically. It takes like an hour. it’s pretty much the main reason why I like never suggest that he needs a shower, unless I feel somewhat mentally prepared. So today, I realized it had been a while since he had a shower, and he was sweaty, so I said it, and steeled myself, and just did it. R did the other hard part, actually showering him, and I did the after shower stuff.

Lately, have been feeling things are much better between R and I. It started with a pretty simple thing: we both finally had a minute to ourselves, so we lay down next to each other, and there was silence for a little bit, and then I started with, “I’m sorry if I snap at you sometimes…” which lead to him apologizing for snapping sometimes too (his are fewer and farther between than mine), and this lead to me trying explaining it’s just sometimes I get so stressed that i do it, and he said him too, which lead to us both telling the other we would try to stop doing it. It just kind of cleared the air, and made us realize there wasn’t that big a deal between us, and ever since, i’ve felt the vibrations become more loving and soft and understanding, which is really nice. 

tonight was the first night in what feels like two months that I haven’t needed to use the heating pad on my back while soothing, because it’s so hot down here in Alabama. 

11/23/25

“your eye looks like a firefighter helmet.” -Hunter randomly said to me this morning as we were looking at each other, cuddling in bed.

i’ve been realizing how spoiled we were grocery-store-wise back where we lived in south jersey. I could get organic anywhere, and close by: Sprouts, MOMs, Whole Foods, even ShopRite, Acme. not to mention the delivery services: Instacart, daily harvest, imperfect foods. Now, where we’ve traveled in the south recently, there’s mostly just like Dollar Generals, and grocery stores i’ve never heard of like Foodland and Food Lion that don’t have any organic or hardly any – maybe just the apples. No grocery delivery obviously, because our schedule is so erratic and many parks don’t allow deliveries. it’s like a gold mine for me when we find a good food store. Aldi is not too bad, not my favorite. I hate going into big Walmarts, but it helps when we find one because they have a good og selection usually. yesterday had to drive 35 minutes to one, because that’s the nearest one to where we are now in AL.

11/12/25

i’ll write about this because I have some time to do it, but we’re still not really out of it, or maybe halfway through it, or 3/4 of the way. But it was kind of a big deal and my mind is still not over the exhaustion of it. So today is Wednesday. Yesterday, we were on our way to NC, our longest trip ever which was gonna be about six hours, but just like two hours into it, we heard a noise- not super loud, maybe medium loud-  on the road, and I looked back and our rig was tilted to one side, not straight. R saw it too and we pulled over and the leaf spring I guess it’s called, that I guess it’s connected to the wheel? had broken – it was rusty. First we called Progressive, but they ultimately couldn’t help with that, then we googled and saw we were right near an auto shop (Automundo 2, the guy was nice and helpful), and R drove it like 10 mph there, and the guy said if we got the replacement part(s), he could put it on for us. So it turned into this whole thing: R looked for a RV parts place, which was like 40 minutes away I think, we went to this place to get the parts, came back to Automundo where it was after hours and we just dropped it off, they said they would work on it tomorrow, then all the while, while trying to get through all these things, delays, waiting, anxiety, stress. I had to call the campsite we were going to check into that day and postpone it, and got a hotel nearby the auto place. The cheapest possible, and I guess you get what you pay for, because it was a depressing (to me) room, although R said it was fine. But the free breakfast was nice actually, and we found a really cool playground (Centennial Park playground in South Hill, Virginia), and there were cats at the auto place which were beautiful and friendly and cute that we admired and petted. But like 80% of this was stress for R and I. Thankfully, I think Hunter was spared a lot of it and just enjoyed all the good stuff about it lol. So then we ate and waited around this morning into afternoon (R was also a bit frantically looking online for some other parts he needed that he wanted the guy to put on) and finally by like 5 PM today, our rig was fixed (he also found something with our brake – the brake on our trailer like wasn’t connected), and we drove it to a nearby Cracker Barrel and had dinner there and actually are now parked in the Cracker Barrel parking lot, to stay overnight so that we don’t have to drive like four hours in the dark to get to the next place- we can do it tomorrow (had to postpone our check-in yet again today). But right now in this parking lot, we’ve got no electricity, no water and we’re trying not to use up the RV battery so I’m using a flashlight instead of turning all the lights on, so it feels like we’re just surviving, until we can get settled and on the grid at a real site again. also, this whole time today, I was trying to work. I thought we’d be at the campsite by today so I didn’t schedule off. I worked a little in the morning at the hotel, but mostly was working out of the truck all day, typing while it was moving and bouncing, or staying behind and typing while they went out to eat and do things. I hauled my laptop & gear out to the playground for a bit and typed while they played, and it was nice, but also very distracting. I had a lot of work too, so that added to the stress. So a lot of unexpected pressure, but still, adventure I guess. Learning. Will come out OK, better. We felt lucky because it could’ve been worse (we broke down within a one minute drive of Automundo), but we (at least I) also felt stupid for not preparing better and prevent it happening in the first place.

*

I feel like if no one really tells you about how having kids is (and no one really does or can), that there is no winning with kids. Like as parents, we all fail. It just matters how much, how epically we fail. Like the range of our failures, like just trying to fail the least amount possible. but no one is like winning, with kids. Because you lose everything – you lose everything you were as an individual, everything you thought you were as a couple. but you gain…a person – you introduce this unblemished new star of a soul into the world, which is a miracle. It’s such a paradox, such irony, such a tragedy. Like Greek tragedy. you lose everything, but gain something supremely precious, BUT this precious thing just seems yours for some fleeting early years and is ultimately not really yours – they are their own. But which coming into their own, if you live to see it, may be the greatest joy of your life?

6:38 pm, at a Cracker Barrel in Virginia- Hunter just randomly said to me: ” you’re a booger. you’re a stinky lovey cow!!! no no no you’re a ghostbuster!”

11/13/25

this morning had another dream that Hunter got away from me. in the dream: I was in the truck, and saw R walk past with Hunter in the seat of a shopping cart, pushing him through a parking lot towards a store. It was very crowded, people everywhere. But Hunter saw me in the truck as he passed, and got excited and wanted to get out, and I saw him pointing, and R looked away for just one second and in that second, Hunter had jumped out of the cart, come and ran to me to my horror, and kind of lost where I was so he ran past me, and I watched him run past the truck I was in and I was already getting ready to get out to run after him as he disappeared into a crowd, and I never took my eyes off him as he disappeared and reappeared behind people, and I was moving towards him, but he was moving further away and got caught up in this literal, like cyclone of kids running around, but he wasn’t happy – I saw his face start to get stressed and worried and about to cry – and I was calling his name to come to me several times, in different ways I was calling until he finally, finally heard me, and came to me as i was getting to him, and I picked him up. I woke up, and the dream stayed in the back of my mind so that I felt extra protective of/anxious about him all day.

11/5/25

kind of just realized this today: had been hearing from parks lately that their offices close before sundown, and I thought it was because they were afraid of vampires or superstitious (we’re going further south now, in VA currently). Then the park we’re currently at spelled it out: they are trying to avoid RVs trying to park at their site in the dark because of how large they are to maneuver, to avoid accidents. And it all finally clicked lol

11/6/25

these past few days, walking around, feet have felt dry and pretty comfortable. I was thinking about this and the term “cheating death” came to mind. I guess because it’s been so long- about eight months straight-that I felt so uncomfortable walking around, that now that it’s getting better, there’s this feeling of cheating death because my life had been so uncomfortable all the time up to this point, that now that a bunch of pain is lifted, it feels like I’m escaping some heavy oppression. I still must soothe at night, and still must wear a pad in each sock to catch any weeping during the day, but still, it feels (and looks) much better than before.

Being out of Jersey bonus: not loading and unloading every single item by hand as much when we forget our bags. bags at grocery stores!

10/29/25

I realized that everything baby does, even the kind of annoying things, I find deeply funny – just everything. Today it’s only noon and I’ve laughed my hardest two times because of him. The first time, he found a bunch of USB drives and was pretending to plug them into the couch and wall and random places and pretending a video game popped up when he did and he was inside of the game and was running and jumping, it was so crazy. And the second time was just now, I’m in my room and just looked to my right and I could see his little butt sticking up in the air in his room where he keeps saying he’s microwaving a chicken or something, playing with his toy microwave on the floor. I love all the halts and pauses and stutters and absurd phrases that come out of his mouth as he’s trying to learn the language. As someone who loves words and poetry, it’s a special joy to me to see him playing with and grasping and understanding words. I love when I hear him say stuff that no grown-up would ever say or could ever think of. Which happens a lot. his mind is just in play mode all the time. when I look at him lately, I’m usually thinking one of two things: 1. how must it feel to always be in your imagination, 24/7, with no responsibilities? or 2. I can’t believe how beautiful this boy is, who grew from a tiny seed and developed and lived inside my belly. I can’t believe this wonder came from me. He’ll be explaining what a certain villian does, or asking for a toy, and i’ll just be staring into his face, thinking these things. 

10/30/25

“but do you know I love saliva? I want saliva for dinner every day.” – Hunter

10/21/25

“you know Granny? You’re a super duper party pooper!” -6:35 pm, Hunter just randomly said this to my mom, who is visiting

tonight, wore sneakers for the first time instead of the wide flat slip-ons I’ve been living in for the past 8 months. I had to because was going to do the laundry and had to walk up two really steep hills to get there, pulling the wagon of laundry behind me, with Hunter in the wagon too. would have slipped out of my shoes if they didn’t have a back to them. chose the widest, loosest ones I had. And it wasn’t bad. I didn’t feel really any pain, hardly any stickiness. when I was going up the hill, it was such a load that my heart started beating fast and the autumn air was crisp and it was refreshing. And a while later, coming back down the hill with the warm clean laundry, it was exhilarating in the darkness and colder air while also managing the weight behind me – to not let it get past me and using my arms to hold it back. And then running down the flat straightaway back to our trailer in the darkness, the only light was from some lit-up Halloween blowup decorations but it was mostly pitch darkness through forest and along the Conestoga river, with Hunter in the wagon, gleefully holding my phone flashlight as he bumped along. 

I’ve been thinking about my snapping and think I’ve uncovered a little more about it. I realized it’s not only when multiple urgent things are happening at once that I do it, though those are definite times. It’s also sometimes when no urgent things are happening and it’s just between me and R. Trying to pinpoint it further, I think it mostly has to do with the baby. I get super annoyed when like: I think the environment is cold and R hasn’t put enough layers on him, I think the baby isn’t eating healthy enough because R has not provided enough vegetables or is microwaving too many things instead of heating on the stove top- stuff like that, that has to do with the baby’s health and safety and comfort – if I perceive that R is not doing like the absolute best thing for him, I will get annoyed about that, and get snappy about that. so aside from stressful situations, my snapping is mostly coming from my dissatisfaction that I perceive the baby is not being taken care of well enough. In truth, I think R is a caring, loving, attentive, protective and creative dad who does a really good job. (Maybe made better from my previous snappings?), but he’s the one who is sleeping with baby at night and waking mid-night to squish his large man body into baby’s small twin bed when baby calls out for him, collects all the wet sheets when Baby wets the bed and changes them, he takes care of Baby in the morning, brushes his teeth and gives him breakfast with usually a good variety of foods, dresses him, wipes him clean and changes his diaper, even will feed him when it seems like Baby is getting too involved with some video and is forgetting to feed himself. it’s just…a lot of times, i judge what he’s doing and i see even better ways he could be doing it, for Baby. I realized: when Baby says he’s hungry, it sets off an urgency in me. I feel like I’m always somewhere internally tracking whether he’s hungry or thirsty, and when I realize he’s hungry – whether he’s said it out loud or I just sense it – I start making food and I feel like it is the most important task in the world, to get the baby fed – I get laser focused, and anyone who gets in my way (which is usually R, he’s the only other person around) will be run over. It’s like bubba’s biological needs – being fed and clothed and warm and comfortable all the time – if any of this stuff is messed with, (I’m only consciously realizing now because I’m writing about it) I can get a bit ferocious. I could definitely see how this has a biological origin, because this attitude would help babies survive, and thus help mankind survive. But still, I don’t wanna be this snappy person. I don’t like myself like that.

I guess I could…realize that maybe things are not as urgent as I feel they are? Like I think I had a hypervigilant streak even pre-baby, so because I know that about myself, maybe I can calm down a little about everything, take everything a notch down, and that might help? I don’t know. but I feel a little closer to the solution now. Maybe I judge too much? I could definitely let go of the little things I judge R about, that have to do with him. but when it comes to the baby, I can’t let things slide. I always want the absolute best for him- i just have this urgency in me to give him all I can give, and I can’t…supress this.

tonight, I cut baby’s nail too close and it bled and he cried. It started with him coming to me, holding his finger out, asking for me to cut it (I’ve clipped several hangnails of his before without any issue). I was actually confident going into it, because I’ve been cutting his nails since he was an infant, and have never yet bled him, so it’s been years without a mistake. it kind of made it worse when I thought back on it, how confident I was. I should’ve been more careful. But I got the same clippers I always use, I even knelt down in front of him to get the closest look at it, I gave it what I thought was my full attention – looked at it and sized it up a moment, positioned the clipper where I thought would be the closest best cut without breaking any skin (and I usually even leave a little more space just to be safe), and then I clipped down hard. Immediately after, he started crying that it hurt, and I thought he was just being dramatic, but then I looked down and saw to my horror that it was too short now and was pink and then became red with blood. It wasn’t gushing or anything, but it still was bleeding red. I sprayed iodine water on a water wipe and dabbed it, then smeared some goldenseal myrrh balm on the pad of a baby shark Band-Aid and wrapped it around his finger. I don’t know what happened, but I’m gonna be so much more careful now. I really thought I knew what I was doing, but it was his pointer finger, which I always thought the nail there was shaped funny and not how I think a nail would be shaped, so maybe that had something to do with it. I just really thought I was cutting off dead nail, and not into his live flesh at all. I hugged him close and tight as he cried, I said sorry so many times and that i didn’t mean it and asked if he forgave me two different times, which it melted my heart that both times immediately he said yes. I felt so bad, on par with the bad I felt when he was an infant and I accidentally let him fall from the bed. On par with that. i felt like a failure as a mother. I kind of couldn’t believe that he still wanted me to put him to bed (and not R) – that he didn’t hate me and still wanted me near him.  When he was crying, I felt like crying myself, but I didn’t let myself. I held him and answered all the questions he had about Band-Aids and his wounded finger. I think that might be the last baby Band-Aid I had with us, and it occurred to me to buy some more. but then I realized – I’m so angry at myself for making this mistake that i swear it’ll never happen again. and to reinforce this, I don’t need to buy any more Band-Aids, because it will never fucking happen again. I still remember when I was little and my mom cut my nails too close, how it hurt. I had been sailing along, thinking I would never do that to my kid, and now here I am. no different from anyone else.

10/22/25

today, backstepped with the pain. although the area affected has definitely reduced in size on both feet at the same rate, the spots that remain looked bad and weepy. I wore the same wide sneakers today that I did the other day, but today, for some reason, it hurt. The tongues were pressing down and hurting my feet, which felt open, even though I reached in and stretched the tongues up and out and wider. during dinner at a pho place, I had to sit with my feet out of my shoes at the table. I can’t think why except that I guess nothing goes in a straight line towards the goal? Or maybe because I’ve been eating gluten lately? my mom is visiting and brought pecan pie, which I’ve eaten two days in a row, then we went out for regular pizza, other stuff. I don’t know. But my feet did feel better later at night, and still had an easy soothe tonight.

it feels like a lot of “you get what you give” with baby. Like when we love and cuddle and swaddle and give every comfort to him, it somehow does the same to us. Like just lying in bed tonight with R with the baby sandwiched between us, knowing that he must’ve felt so safe nestled there with our bodies pressing him from every side, healed something in me and made me feel safe.

10/24/25

last night, while Baby was sleeping, checked his wounded nail and it looks to be healing okay. I didn’t see any redness or swelling. The nail still has to grow back where I cut it too short, but the exposed part is now a dark brown/dried thin line, and not as bad as I thought. The morning right after I hurt him, he came into my room and onto my bed and showered me with kisses, seeming to forget/not care that I  just last night was the source of his terrible pain. I never felt in such a state of grace as being under his kisses that morning.

10/11/25

had a sort of epitome, tonight inside of a Chuck E. Cheese of all places. I guess what most contributed to it was that physically I felt good: feet had minimal discomfort, wasn’t hungry or thirsty or stressed. Feeling content, and going to this fun place with my family made me happy, and then even happier when I saw that the place was half empty so that I wouldn’t be overstimulated. happier still to find new, neat and clean looking rides and environment, not too crowded together, with enough space for everything and everyone. even the pizza here had improved since I last remember it. Following leisurely behind Hunter as he checked out all the games and rides and stuff, never in this town though, i kind of realized: no matter where we go, people want to have pleasure and be happy, so there might actually be a really beautiful place/places waiting for us. Like just because I lived where I lived for so long, doesn’t mean that that was the best place. everywhere, people are trying to better and beautify their surroundings, so maybe we could find a great place like that, with good vibes that click with us. I was some anxious before we started out, when we were still in the old house and I was anticipating the move. But now I’m not really anymore (though I know unexpected, difficult things may happen). I’m mostly excited and optimistic. 

10/12/25

The jump in sophistication in Baby’s speech sometimes shocks me a bit these days – how he more smoothly connects words, and his vocabulary… it just reinforces what his growing limbs are saying – that he’s really, surely growing up. I find myself holding on to any signs that indicate he’s still at least partially a baby: when he still sometimes rests his legs in that frog leg position, when I can sometimes still see his double chin, his still plumped, pursed lips that look like they did when he breast-fed, his still many constant babyish sounds and squeals and nonsense noises. that time was so hard – maybe the hardest time in my life – but still, I don’t wanna let go of the idea of him as the baby, as my baby who i could completely contain in my arms and against my body. when I pick him up now, I hold him with all my might not only because he’s right at that weight where it’s almost too much for me, but also I know these are the last months- the last days- that he’s still small enough to hold against me like that. I’m literally and figuratively holding on.

 At the same time, when he was just born, I remember saying to R that I hope he grows up fast so that he can protect himself – his vulnerability from being so small scared me.

10/13/25

we got here to our new site yesterday, but it was a little nerve-wracking. It was one of our longest trips, it took like 2 1/2 hours. there was the rain, and then the RV GPS took us off of I-76 and onto these narrow winding roads, which with a huge trailer and truck, I was a little nervous, and I wasn’t even driving, R was. At one point, one of the doors to our storage underneath flew open, and we were driving with the door open on the highway and I know it had stuff in there, but I think nothing fell out. We were able to finally stop on the side and R closed the door and locked it. That was maybe the scariest thing during the trip. he had forgot to lock it, but I don’t blame him because setting up at a new site and breaking down, there’s so many things to remember, and I don’t help with that at all really. I just stay with the baby while he does it all, so it’s kind of guaranteed he’ll forget something sometime. I need to learn what he has to do, so I can help, but it’s hard when one person always needs to be with Hunter. Maybe we could all do it together… seems like the only way to get anything done. 

10/14/25

pros list continued: the phrase that woke me up this morning was when Baby yelled emphatically, with perfect pronunciation but with the baby accent/squeak: “Dada! A bug has landed on your cup!” everything he says, it’s like he’s reporting on the most important event ever. so I woke up laughing. it’s not just that I get to see him all the time – a big pro is that I can hear him all the time, from wherever he is basically in the trailer. It’s like a nonstop baby soundtrack, which the things he says, I love. This morning, playing video games with his dad he kept saying “oh, I’m a penguin! help me! I’m just a little penguin” and now they’re playing with toys on the floor and he just said like “I burned you with a marshmallow on fire” or something absurd like that. I could listen to him all the time. 

tonight got about $250 worth of groceries at a Walmart near us – we’re near Lancaster PA now – and when checking out at self checkout, R and I got stressed out trying all our cards and them getting declined / not working. We thought there was something wrong with their machine, and they even moved us do a different self checkout register, but then after we (finally) left the store, I realized the bank was trying to protect me because I was making a charge so far from home – realized this when I saw like five texts and four emails about it from the bank on my phone. should’ve just checked my phone, but I didn’t realize. I wonder if it’ll do this to me in every city, when we try to buy a lot of groceries all across the country.

10/16/25

had one of the best soothing nights in as far as I can remember last night. It was short- I was done by about 2 AM- and not really any weeping at all that I could see or feel. After several days of needing to use two bandages in socks, just last night went back to only one in each sock.

I feel like lately, maybe like past few weeks, I’ve been snapping at R. not when it’s just the two of us and we’re having a normal conversation, but like when a lot of things are happening in the moment – like I have to do something quickly, and Hunter is talking to me as well, and then R asks me a question all at the same time, I will snap at him, like an object will physically snap under pressure. And then I immediately regret it, but in the moment I can’t help it. I want to do something about it, so that I don’t do this anymore, because I don’t wanna talk to him like that at all. I wanna talk to him like a lover, not like someone angry or frustrated. But i’m not completely sure what to do yet.

had a dream that I was chasing after Hunter who was running towards the campground restrooms and he ran across the street without looking, and I couldn’t catch up to him, and a car was coming, but it wasn’t that close to him. But still, of course it scared me and when I caught up to him, I bent down and had a serious talking to with him.

H recently seems to have really entered what people typically characterize as the toddler phase, now. he’s still super sweet, and good, but sometimes – usually later in the day, and I assume he’s tired when this is happening, because he isn’t napping anymore (just sleeping in one block through the night) but he’ll just start acting crazy. Making loud noises, nonsensical words, very loud, shouting, squeaking, and screaming, just unintelligible stuff. The other night at Walmart, he was doing this and also wouldn’t stay in my hand when I held his hand, kept twisting and rolling and running away and just not staying beside me. He’s never had a tantrum where he falls on the floor, though – thankful for that. But he will start crying for weird reasons (weird like: once he started seriously crying because I would not let him rip the sweater I was wearing in half), and whining, and the other stuff. It’s not unbearable, but it can be a lot. in the moment, it takes up all my attention because (especially if we’re in a public place) I feel like there’s just no guessing what he might do – like he could very possibly run in front of people or run into a street in that state, so I’m always keeping a super closer eye on him when he’s not calm.

10/18/25

today was the first day that we were walking around and my feet didn’t hurt. It was trick or treating again at the campground, and we were walking a lot, through the whole park getting candy at tables set up at each trailer with Bubba, who was dressed as Spider-Man and so happy. I walked and walked, and then I realized this and kind of stopped short, and just my eyes glazed over and I savored the feeling. I would’ve stood there for whole minutes and minutes more like that, if there weren’t people all around and it wouldn’t have looked funny to them. But I just savored the feeling as discreetly as i could. Of not hurting. it was a kind of elation: as if I’d been wearing ankle weights 24/7 for the past nearly 8 months, and they had suddenly been lifted.

there’s a definite difference between R and I, that I don’t know how to name, but it feels positive and complementary. It goes like: this whole trip – like the whole RV idea and traveling – I don’t think I ever would’ve undertook on my own or the thought even occurred. it was his idea, but I’m loving it. And then, recently, we were at this campsite, Spring Gulch, that was kind of inconvenient because they had us on a hill and it was hard to back up the RV and also we didn’t realize it wasn’t full hook up, so we couldn’t auto empty our sewer tanks. R was unsatisfied with this and looked up other places we could move to and found an even better park. Whereas I know if I was on my own, I would have just stayed where I was because I was there already, even though it was a bit uncomfortable. i like how he pushes out of physical and geographical discomfort to find better. he has the get up and go, I guess you could say. and I have the like, stay home contentedly. with certain things. 

even though I still get stressed regularly, i’m really liking this new environment. when all is said and done, everyone is just really on vacation at these parks, relaxing, sitting out on their lawn chairs and picnic tables, barbecuing, bonfiring, meeting people and enjoying life at a consistently slow pace. It’s really not the same feeling of where we lived in our suburb- there’s less hustle and bustle/business feeling. more like the feeling when you go to the beach. I’m sure it’s gonna start taking its effect on me in a good way. Like there was a moment today, early evening and still light out, when i was walking through the trailer as R was roasting lamb on a smoky fire outside, Hunter had been playing with rocks with his new truck he just got trick-or-treating and was now inside with me watching his iPad, and R had just talked to our neighbors pretty thoroughly about each other’s travels and where we were going and I heard a snippet of their conversation with our neighbor saying things were great and he hadn’t encountered any racism or anything, and “we are the world” was blasting from his speakers, and the little kids from our neighbor to the south were toddling around in circles in their cute Halloween costumes, and I was looking forward to roasting marshmallows and eating the meat soon and burning some Palo Santo I have in the fire, and then I looked to the neighbors on our other side and they were laughing with each other, and before they had smiled at us and given us Halloween candy, and i just felt in the flow of things, a nice moment. in the middle of a bliss sandwich.