4/18/25
had to start wearing pads inside socks again today, after some months of not needing them, to contain weeping. Just on the right foot, but tomorrow if it keeps going the same way, will have to do both feet. Am brewing wild lettuce with skullcap tea right now. There is sadness in my heart from the physical discomfort.
4/19/25
just want to note: oak pollen (what the tests showed I’m severely allergic to) in my app seems to have jumped into first place as one of the leading pollens in the air, and the pollen percentage is the max it can go in the app. So with my skin getting bad, it really coincides and just proves my theory even more.
i have a lot to be thankful for though. i can move most of my body without pain; it’s just feet. i can think clearly. My sight isn’t perfect, but i can see. i can hear fully, i can taste fully, i can smell and intuit. I have R, i have mom and dad’s help still. I have a loving extended family, and one or two good friends. I’m not in a war zone. I’m not impoverished. And something is actually healing on my body (my thumb) – it’s not all getting worse. Something does feel off in me, something does feel bad, i acknowledge. But…i’m not bedridden, so I can make strides to finally overcome it, now that i know what it is. I have much to thank you for. I have many reasons to get to the other side. It hurts now, it does. But…I’ll get there. I’ll get there.
had tickets for Bright Eyes tonight, and had plans for parents to watch baby while R and i attended. Had to sell back tickets (at about a $100 loss) and cxl plans because of how bad feet got. Sad about it, because i was looking forward to it. i was looking forward to swaying to music and hearing what they had to say and sing, and dressing up and feeling beautiful. if i think about it too long i start tearing up and it doesn’t do any good to dwell i guess, so i’ll stop thinking about it now. i’ll just say: it was the loneliest feeling curled up on the couch in the dark searching for the cheapest organic cotton pantiliners (to start putting in socks everyday to soak up my weeping feet) and getting the calendar notification on my phone that the show was happening right then.
it’s now unbearable. i can feel it all the time.
4/21/25
Hunter getting easier to care for in the morning, because he’s getting really into video games/watching YouTube videos of people playing video games. So when he gets up, after we cuddle and brush teeth, and he plays a little by himself, he’ll turn that stuff on and be entranced for a long time, and I can get ready and cook and stuff without him needing attention every 5 minutes.
skin hurting a lot today, after being relatively painless yesterday, I woke up and a lot was hurting: spots on hands incl thumb which is getting worse- it hurts if just a hair brushes against it- feels prickly and cringy and bad, and feet hurt – the weeping and bandage phase is in full swing I guess. I know it’s the pollen. the pain is keeping me from doing a lot of stuff or feeling like doing stuff, so I think my cooking will be reduced and I’ll start getting more stuff that’s easy to prepare instead of trying to do everything from scratch, which is what I had been doing.
4/23/25
it hurts the most in the morning, as I get up and go downstairs and brush teeth and take care of baby- my feet and hands crack from the movement. Then throughout the day, I guess it dries up or dries over, and the pain lessens as the day goes on. Then at bedtime, I have to take my socks off, and itch away the built-up excess, which reopens everything, and it hurts again, for a few hours, till it dries over. I finally, after hours soothing, go to sleep pretty much pain-free, but when I wake up in the morning, it starts over again.
4/25/25
might stop the celery juice. tonight was just reading about ragweed, which is one of my pollen allergies. Apparently ragweed has a connection with celery. I don’t see any improvement with my skin (still got the horrible rashes that don’t seem any better than last year) so i guess it wasn’t helping anyway. but gonna keep drinking barley grass, lemon water, and lemon balm. unlike celery, i actually enjoy the taste of these and they’re supposed to be good for me and are unrelated to ragweed/birch/oak pollen (my “big three”), as far as i know.
Marriage Journal 