4/9/25
last night, both standing up, R was massaging me while I folded the laundry. we didn’t have time to lay down- he had worked all day and had just ate dinner late and got back from picking up Baby, and it was getting late. And then later I was massaging him (again both standing, both in the middle of doing multiple things as we always seem to be nowadays) while he was listing stuff from the house to sell on Facebook marketplace. Again, just because we did not have time to lay down and enjoy it, so had to do both things at once. Such a difference from our pre-baby days when we lounged around for hours. Now it’s like, how many things can we stuff into one minute and the next to get done.
The past two nights, I think I’ve woken up in the middle of the night itching my foot/feet, but not sure how bad because I’m semi-conscious at the time. There’s still no weeping, but things are raised. I know weeping is the next (and worst) step. I’m doing all I can while also not letting myself feel trapped by restrictions.
4/10/25
oddly, i feel like my toddler’s absurdity is one of the main things keeping me grounded. I love how silly he is…and i guess it “balances out” all the bad serious stuff simultaneously happening (the two things that most weigh on me are the immigration stuff and the suffering in Gaza).
tonight, had a brief moment of pure happiness. I wasn’t tired (had briefly napped with R earlier that night), and my belly was full after just having had delicious sushi from Ozaki sushi, this place I recently discovered near us that I’ve ordered from like 3x in the past two weeks. At the same time, heard baby screaming with happiness downstairs as R was putting him to bed, as they played in bed. And though I have some bad spots on my body (hands & feet), nothing at that moment hurt at all. It was just a moment, but I felt so happy and satisfied, and I physically paused what I was doing (getting ready for bed) to realize it. All I really want in life happened to come together at once: full of good food, nothing hurting, and knowing my family is happy.
…at the same time, this slowly creeping feeling that things are ending. Not just with the Armageddon-like political stuff happening, but also: my dad is looking older, and mom, too. She recently had a routine blood test that showed lots of things were off, and osteoporosis too. I always thought of her as super vigorous and healthy (she still teaches multiple Zumba classes like 4 days a week), and I’m afraid to witness both my parents decline. It may be the way of life, but it’s sad and scary to think about, with the two people who loved and nurtured you your whole life and even before birth- who you’ve loved most and earliest and most constantly. I don’t know how I would get through it, their ending. i don’t know… I feel like the grief would be too much for me, and I don’t wanna think about it.
4/12/25
something unexpected I realized tonight, a few hours after coming home from my parents’, where I faced off with R in a Wii game of bowling. I felt a bit uncomfortable the other night playing it against my mom, and I think would feel similarly playing against my dad. but with R, I was actually excited to play against him and see what I could do and see how we compared. I didn’t feel like I had to hold back, or that I would be judged by him with anything I did. And subsequently, when I started out doing badly, I switched the controller to my left hand just to see if I would bowl better like that (I guessed it would probably make me do worse, but was falling behind him, so needed to change something). For some reason, it actually worked! I started getting strikes and spares while using my left hand – it was a pretty amazing and clear difference. But I was thinking later, that I made that change only because I was comfortable enough with him to risk doing even worse than I already was, because I knew the kind of person he was: super accepting and loving and playful and just funny and not too serious. Super non judgmental. He makes me feel free to just try anything, and I feel like that in our relationship, too. And this realization made me appreciate him all the more. I realized I picked a really good guy for my husband. He’s perfect to try new things with, if you never want to feel criticized or judged while doing so. I’m so lucky.
Marriage Journal 