pizza

2/24/25

Hunter last night, amid a flurry of kid-talking and spouting just all the information it seemed that he had learned in the past few days and also in his lifetime, naming superheroes, etc., in the middle of all of it, at bedtime in bed, he said (very randomly), “do you not want me to die?” And I was caught off guard, of course. I said “of course I don’t want you to die!” and he said “but I’ll get old?” And I said “Yes, we all get old.” And then he went back to talking about more kid-like stuff. 3 years old. Shocked me a bit.

2/27/25

started taking this pollen distress homeopathic spray 3x a day, since pollen has started again. have not stopped celery juice in the mornings, and incorporated a few other Medical Medium things into routine (lemon balm tea almost daily, starting spirulina, eating more fruit). we’ll see if it’s enough to stop the feet disaster recurring. i hope so; its been so nice. so nice not having to deal with it these past like 2 months. last year, it started getting bad in May, so maybe this head start will help too.

love was the big secret. -Life

i wonder how many accidents w kids have occurred because their mom was too stressed and tired. That’s when all of mine occurred: when he was an infant, I let him fall from the bed in a desperate moment of needing to finish my work, so brought him to bedroom and ran to next room to get laptop real quick, and didn’t realize he would crawl fast after me. I was caught between doing my work and taking care of him by myself and extremely stressed, with no help at the time. Then the next time was also when I was taking care of him by myself, that time just a little while ago when I was tired in the morning and almost gave him oil of oregano instead of his multivitamin dropper. And then today- I’m still tired and not sleeping 100%, but wanted to make sure he got some good stuff in him before he left for granny’s, so in the early morning rush, gave him some lemon balm tea from the stove and didn’t realize until after they left, that it had been sitting out all night and was a few days old (though I had kept it in the fridge nightly). I wonder how much better the world would be if mothers got more help. More help and support.

3/2/25

i’ll try to explain what happened today: it was morning. R was making a pizza for breakfast. He had a premade frozen crust and was adding stuff on top. Hunter was helping, they added tons of cheese, red sauce, deli sliced roast beef, other stuff. I wanted to add some mushroom powder but Hunter didn’t want it, so I just added it to my little “piece” of the pie, and he was OK with that. I chopped up some green celery leaves to add, but R asked “are they bitter though?” and i responded, “not really…but bitter things are good for you” But I took that to mean that he didn’t want it, so I wasn’t going to put it. I left the pile of chopped leaves on the cutting board. I asked R what temperature the oven should be, and he didn’t know- he was just going to wing it, which unnerved me because I felt it might ruin the pizza, so he fished out the package from the trash and read it to me, it was like 375. I thought it would be like 500, so I’m glad he read it. then before it went in the oven, he said, “you forgot to add your stuff”, gesturing to my chopped leaves. Which I took to mean that I could add it. So I took a handful of it and sprinkled it over the pizza. Hunter saw it, and started making a big deal of it. He started loudly whine-crying like “I don’t want the green stuff on the pizza, take it off!” And he did it for a long time, over and over, and it started grating on both our nerves i think, but I wanted the nutrition for all of us, and I thought when it came out, it would’ve all been cooked and might not matter that much to him anymore, so I took my chances and said, “I’ll take it off after it comes out of the oven”, just to buy myself more time and see if he would eat it when he saw it all pretty and cooked down. Right in the middle of this whining, R went out to the bank and came back. didn’t try to help at all- it seemed a weird time to just leave, but fine. So I thought everything was fine and the oven started beeping that the pizza was done, and I was doing something for Hunter and said to R “is the pizza ready?” And he said I don’t know and seemed to not want to deal with it. so I eventually took the pizza out, and it looked really good because of all the toppings, and my sprinkling of chopped leaves had cooked down and melted with the layers and layers and layers of greasy cheese they put. After it had sat there for a few minutes untouched, I asked, a little annoyed, “is anyone going to eat this pizza?” to which R replied, “it’s your pizza now.” He said because I put the chopped leaves on it. I said, “you told me I forgot to add my stuff” and he said “I thought you were just gonna put it on your piece, not all around.” Nobody wanted it now, he said. And I said, “OK, I’ll take them off” and started picking tiny no-longer-green pieces off one by one with my fingers and R said, “he told you he didn’t want them. he told you to take them off before you put it in the oven.” This made me mad on a few levels (since when does our toddler’s demands also verbatim speak for you, the adult? because R never said he didn’t want them. was just silent the whole time Hunter cried about it). I scooped up the pizza in my hands- the whole heavy untouched pizza with mostly cheese (actually too much cheese for me, but I didn’t complain) and just a sprinkling of 1. mushroom powder that disappeared upon contact and 2. green leaves- both ingredients intended to halt sickness and extend the life of my two loved ones- and hovered it over the automatic trashcan, and the lid opened, and I was between them both, and I said, “should I just throw this out then?” And they both jumped up incredulously and were like “no no!” And I asked, “are you going to eat it? Because if you’re not going to eat it, I’ll just throw it out. i don’t want it just sitting there for days.” And they both said “no no don’t throw it out, we’ll eat it!” And I got even madder and looked at R and said “so you ARE gonna eat it? because you just said you’re not gonna eat it.” I said, “are you going to eat it or are you not going to eat it?” And he said that he would eat it, going back on what he just said before- that no one wanted it. Which the inconsistency/dishonesty pissed me off even more (if that was even possible) and when they were in the living room (without any pizza – it was getting cold by now), I put the pizza back on the sheet pan and literally threw the sheet pan back in the oven. it made the loudest shrill banging noise, which satisfied me in the moment because I was so angry, but looking back, I shouldn’t have done- there wasn’t any other point of doing that other than to let out my frustration, and it maybe scared them. But I was super mad after that, and didn’t look at R for the rest of the day, and in the kitchen i squatted down and cried hard and covered my face, and went upstairs to my room and cried really hard for what seemed like a long time. And strangely, during the crying, I realized something, it kind of just came to me: I know the point of all those lover dreams i’ve been having. I miss the romance between me and R. When I think about the sex recently/since baby, it’s so like…perfunctory? I feel more like a robot or a machine than a person lucky to be alive on this earth. He gives me some signal, and I know his signals, and I try to give him what he wants if I’m not too tired. it’s a very predictable process with zero surprises, and that’s just how it is because we don’t have time and we don’t have real money or energy really other than to take care of this baby. So like the dating and romance and stuff we did before, it seems impossible now to do. so I have a kind of problem like, I need this romance in my life, and ideally, I want it from my husband. But how can you have uncertainty and mystery in a relationship where you live with the person and have such close ties with them because you’re taking care of this little baby? Like we know each other’s schedule, we know basically everything that’s going on with the other one, because we have to coordinate. So he can’t show up spontaneously somewhere where I am, which I would love. I would love for my romantic dreams to be fulfilled by him, because I love him and there are definite reasons I chose him, both external and personality-wise. Like I love him the most out of any man that I know. But I just don’t see how he could cross this bridge to what I’m dreaming of. because there’s no bridge for him to cross, because we’re on the same side: how can he go from helping me dump a training potty full of stinking baby shit into the toilet, to also like, showing up at a dark sexy music show where I am and romancing me? Because I would’ve had to tell him where I was, and he would’ve already known, we would’ve had to get a babysitter, etc.

At least, even though I don’t have the solution, I figured out the problem: How can I have romance and mystery with someone so close to me? also starting to feel a little desperate, like i’m running out of time in real life to have these moments I dream of, because it’s getting warm and the pollen’s started- I’m afraid to be disabled again for a long time. I feel like: if I’m gonna be in pain again for a long time, at least give me some nice memories to hold onto. Give me some beauty before I’m shoved into day and night, nonstop ugliness.