2/5/25
thank you for protecting me throughout my life. Thank you for not letting me get seriously hurt or kill myself, and thank you for keeping anyone from killing or seriously injuring me. I pray, God, please protect my son, as you did me. If he one day feels called to search, explore, discover far away from me, may his journey be beautiful and fruitful. But God, keep him from harm. Protect him, pass this shining luck I had while out in the world doing risky things, onto him. May he be richly blessed all his life. Amen.
2/10/25
read something today that impacted me: was reading about Saint Martin de Porres, that he regarded all work as sacred. Like even the menial stuff- everything.
Also pretty cool, read that he was praying so hard that the step he was kneeling on burst into flames and he didn’t even notice.
“…going out to speak to the moon and to gaze at the sunrise are valid spells.” – Mandi Em
I think I realized the line between indulging in too much junk food and not. It’s like: there’s a good zone, where you are being kind and treating yourself- being sweet to yourself. and then there’s this danger zone of you’re eating so much of it that it’s actually NOT being kind to yourself. And when I check in with myself, I can see pretty clearly where this line is. Like there’s a difference. most everything you ingest should be healthy i think, but then sometimes you just need comfort and sweetness. But just sometimes. Not all the time. I feel like if you feel you need sugar or stimulants or alcohol all the time, then it indicates something emotional or something else, going on. because junk food, by definition, is not anything you need to survive or that will best sustain you. like if i love and respect myself, i should be eating things that have my best interests at heart. It’s just tricky to make those things taste good sometimes. i’m still working on making veggies and fish taste really good. but it’s not hard to make meat or eggs taste good.
8:57 just now, i said to Hunter: “i love you!”
Hunter in reply: “and i love my Ironman glove!”
2/11/25
just realized: if you don’t want Hunter to do anything out of fear, then YOU can’t do anything out of fear.
2/12/25
it’s 11:04 PM and Hunter is on the couch watching Bluey and eating the steak and sausages and potatoes he requested that we cook. he had breakfast and a decent amount for lunch- almost a whole piece of salmon and snacks and fruit and had been grazing ever since, so I thought around 10:30 after he had stopped eating fruit that he was full enough, and brushed his teeth really well. then like 10 minutes later, he requested all this food. couldn’t believe he wasn’t going to bed yet.
2/13/25
“…by nurturing this connection you honor the spark of wild divinity in you.” -Mandi Em
today when we woke up, I turned to Hunter and asked him what he dreamed. He said “oh! I dreamed that you got me a mixer that you could mix things, and also an Ant-man mask and Ant-man suit” and seemed very happy and excited remembering the dream. I said, “I love that dream!” I’d just woke up from a little bit of a disturbing dream, so I didn’t offer mine, but he asked. what I dreamt was that R was driving a big tractor trailer with me in passenger seat and he stopped at a red light and jumped out as soon as he stopped to get something from the back, but took so long that the light turned green, and I didn’t want to hold up traffic, so I jumped in the driver seat and pulled to the side, but where I pulled off, there wasn’t room for such a big vehicle – felt huge driving this vehicle- so I went around for some reason- my plan was to circle around until R was done whatever he had to do and hopped back in. But I got lost, I ended up somewhere I didn’t know. I parked it somewhere weird like inside of an art museum, and was walking through the city and went through a Chinatown-like place that was very festive and beautiful, and passed through this kind of pop-up, kid friendly and kid themed exhibition where I longed for Hunter, to have him in my arms and be showing him all these cute shapes and interesting things, but I was alone. The exhibit led into this huge corporate office building, where I waited for an elevator to go down to escape the place, and a snotty kind of woman asked me in the elevator if I had a visitor pass, and I said, “no. I’m just trying to get out of here.” And then I was on the street trying to text Rodrigo where I was, trying to find some landmark because we were in an unfamiliar place in New York City I think, but he didn’t answer, so I started to call, but as I called, some guy on the street snatched away my phone- like robbed me- and my heart fell bc without my phone- for some reason that doesn’t make sense now, but did in the dream – no one would know where I was and I’d be lost forever. and then I think I woke up. I didn’t tell Hunter every detail of this, just I guess the kid friendly ones, and i tried not to let on about the shook-up fear that I felt in the dream. I think maybe I have some rightful anxiety because we’re making such a big life change right now with moving from a house into a RV- I have these worries that maybe I’ll have to do things alone? And I won’t know where I am or where to go or what to do? Also a bit afraid if I can physically handle driving- R will do most driving but I’m sure my time will come- this big truck that is towing a gigantic trailer. Like if i can handle it on the road. But all I told Hunter was that in my dream, i got lost and tried to call daddy and then somebody snatched my phone from my hand (so Hunter was showing me that I have to hold my phone close to my body and not hold it out, and I said “oh yeah! I should’ve held it like that!” and we were laughing, and i started feeling better) and when I told him I was lost, he asked, “why didn’t you call a superhero for help?” as if that was the most natural thing in the world to do (and this melted my heart and was the absolute best). I replied “oh yeah! I didn’t think to call a superhero for help, I thought I had to do it all by myself. That’s a really good idea.” and he asked where HE was- if we were together in the dream, and I said “no, you were at Granny’s, or home, it was just me and daddy.” And he seemed sad at that, but I said “it’s better, because you were someplace safe. where you were wasn’t dangerous like where i was.” i still wanna do it, though- the RV. It feels right. it feels like what we need right now. probably not forever, but just right now.
Marriage Journal 