the luckiest

1/27/25

I feel most lucky to be a girl. 

Even though I have to bleed 

and statistically be raped 

guys will never know what it’s like to 

go soft, fold in, be swept away

just be swept away by God, be 

wrapped up and cloaked and hidden by him. 

They will never know that strength

because they are busy trying to BE that strength-

not knowing it’s something you call upon-

it’s something you reach out and touch the roots of when you need,

and he will deliver.

***

got eczema herpeticum spot on lower left chin right before my period, like the day leading into it and the first day of it. was surprised; I had started to feel home free and didn’t think I would get sick until at least the spring when pollen started. Was trying to think back to what may have triggered it, but I haven’t felt sick (unlike R who has been coughing and H who has been congested). But I have felt stressed, like cried a few days leading up to period. I just attributed that to the PMS I always have.  Maybe it IS the PMS I always have, but now that my immunity is still not fully intact or back to 100%, the same stress i always have that wouldn’t have done anything before, triggers an outbreak. I guess the lesson is, to always take it easy and rest right before period? To avoid this? I don’t know. but I still don’t attribute this to diet- this kind of thing only happens when my immune system is down, and I would think that a more varied diet would only help my immune system. it has to be stress paired with my still-recovering immune system, paired with the timing (something I’ve noticed is my immunity seems to drop right before/when I bleed).

what else could I have done to prevent? i had been taking care of myself and sleeping as much as I could, while also taking good care of a toddler.

i’m worried that this will be my life from now on: getting too stressed = disgusting explosions on my face. And what about the future even? Like when I’m considered an elderly person, and my immunity is low because of it? Will I just be continuously living in a state of being threatened by this appearing, like every day?  Will it never go back to how it was before?

I think I could’ve also, which I’ll do in the future, is when I see anyone sick around me, in my family, even if I’m not showing symptoms yet, to take preventative measures like making skullcap tea and taking oregano oil and lysine (stuff I do when i already am sick- just remember to start it earlier before you are sick.)

1/30/25

Last night slept with Hunter, because R’s been bringing him home asleep the past like three nights, and I missed him so much- just seeing him. So this morning when he woke up, I was reading books to him because he asked me to, and he kept pointing to my cheek and saying “is this your nipple?” and I’d say no as we were both cracking up. Then he’d point to the book and say “Is this the lamp?” and he’d point to the lamp and ask “Is this the book?” and I would correct him while we both were laughing. I know he knows what these things are, but for some reason he just likes to do this and be super silly.

how are we deporting people when we should be bringing them in? Bringing in the Palestinians and those most in need of our protection. If you can’t offer protection to those who need it, it means you’re not a great country because you don’t have the strength and resources to protect others. You’re only great and powerful when you use that power to its extent: we could offer such a haven, such safety, if we only focused on it. If I was president, first thing, take care of my own people – all the homeless off the streets, in every city. Unless they want to be, for some reason. But otherwise, everyone has a bed, everyone has a home and a job that decently sustains. fix the medical system so that it actually heals people. those should be our foundation. Then, reach out to the neediest in other places, open our doors. I feel like this would be the greatest display of strength and power. And wealth, even. The hoarding of wealth and safety while others are suffering so greatly seems inhumane, wrong, petty, schoolground bully-ish. Small and childish.