12/9/24
feels strange to be without pain now. I had it every day for so long…it was like it became a part of me. i’m so glad it’s gone. I wish I knew exactly what to do so that it would never come back, but… i’m still just guessing. it was seven months of just brokenness. i’m so happy that my body knows how to go back to normal- that it didn’t forget. i’m still wearing the pads in my socks out of habit (and the skin’s still tender, not normal-strong yet)- the first physical thing I did when getting out of bed every morning for the last few months was stick the pads inside my socks, and put socks on. But it’s been a few days in a row now that there’s nothing to soak up anymore when I take them off at the end of the day. Maybe next week, I can stop wearing them. like a normal person.
12/10/24
I can step on cardboard boxes now to smash them flat when recycling, instead of bending over like an old lady with the box cutter.
12/12/24
The only other theory I have other than tree pollen: is that with the drier weather, the dust mites I’m severely allergic to died off, and maybe now they are at zero? either way, I really feel it’s the absence of something that is healing me, rather than the addition of something. because I hadn’t added anything new before it started to slowly heal. I feel (hope?) that the celery juice is helping me, and may help me long-term, but things had already started reversing when I added it to my routine, so I know it wasn’t the main factor.
tonight, almost savoring clipping baby’s nails. This is in stark contrast to when I just started clipping them and would get anxiety about getting it done as fast as possible before he woke up. But it’s one of the only times, I realized, that I can admire him without him going nonstop- talking or moving or wiggling or jumping- or just staring back & judging me for admiring him. His face is becoming less babyish and more boyish/manly. The heels and skin on his feet a little rougher.
He doesn’t do this as much anymore, but up until just a few weeks ago, whenever I carried him, he would stick his little hands in whatever warm pockets he could find, so like, into my armpits, around my neck, in my shirt, behind my ears, in my elbow creases. so funny. And for what seems like a whole year now, when you carry him or are just very close to him, he will lightly pinch and press your earlobes between his fingers while just hanging around you. he still does this all the time; he even does it to us as he’s falling asleep in bed.
12/13/24
I realize I am smack dab in the middle of my fertile period as I write this, but I think my sex drive is improving somewhat. I wrote before that I never felt like having it really anymore, but now I feel like, if it’s changed at all, it’s that I want it more than I did before. i’m sure what’s majorly contributing is that my skin is getting better so i’m sleeping a bit more, so I’m feeling stronger and more together.
Also, incidentally, this morning had a dream that I was going on a (scheduled and agreed-upon by all parties?!) date with someone we’re close to, which in reality would be disastrous, but in the dream, felt wonderful and natural. when I woke up, I felt romantic and dreamy thinking about it, instead of guilty, for some reason. He was supposed to come pick me up at 4:30, but he arrived early at 4, and I wasn’t ready, but then we went out to dinner or something or to do an arts&craft thing, and it was really nice, sitting across from him at a table, one on one. I think the big idea behind the dream is not so much the actual person, but what he represents to me. He’s always been so gentlemanly and thoughtful and gallant I guess is the word, towards me, and we’ve never had a sexual or even a close relationship, and I guess I maybe miss that chase? The uncovering of a new person when you start to date them, who you don’t know intimately yet. I guess I miss the romance of all that- of not knowing, of mystery. I won’t do it – I would never hurt my husband. but I dream of things like romance and fate and destiny and fairies and sparkle and candlelight dinners. I think also it balances out the mundane of childcare, is why these dreams come to me. right now, when we’re home, we’re basically working in shifts; Hunter takes the attention of whoever’s with him while the other one of us gets work and chores done, then we switch, and the other plays with and watches him while the other goes and tries to keep the house in order and get the most urgent personal things done. There’s not really any gap where we’re alone together unless my parents have him or he’s napping for some reason. Maybe once Hunter gets older, and we have more time, maybe R and I could do something to bring back romance. Though I can’t for the life of me right now, in the trenches of it, imagine what it would be… I invite it please, with all my heart.
Marriage Journal 