12/2/24
I woke up yesterday morning and went to see R and H who had just woken up too in bed and one of the first things that happened was Baby punched me in the eye. I think he was getting frustrated at something before I got there. But it really kind of hurt so I just went away to brush my teeth. I don’t know if there’s a better way to do it, like tell him not to punch people, or something else, but we’ve told him before, so I guess he knows?
12/3/24
my skin has been getting better and last night it was like the best it’s ever been; I soothed my feet for like 10 minutes and then I could go to bed. I really think everything kind of coincides with the pollen: when it started getting colder up till now, is when it started getting better. I just checked my allergy app today and it says that pollen season is over for now and there’s zero pollen. And that completely coincides with what’s happening with my feet. The only thing is, treatment for tree pollen allergies is not so clear. They just say to take Zyrtec and stuff like that, which I don’t want to take because the ingredients can mess with your immune system and other stuff and it doesn’t address the root of the problem of why I’m allergic to it. at my most desperate, I actually did try Zyrtec/Allegra/Claritin, but it did not help. Then also, Google suggests I could get allergy shots, which seems over the top, and again not really addressing the root of the problem. I tried, when my feet were bad this year, various different allergy medicines: natural pills, the Allergimittel tablets, extracts, homeopathy, everything, but none of it seemed to help. So what do I do now? What do I do for next year? Will it come back? Google also suggests to shield myself from pollen, like not walk near the trees, or if I do walk near trees (we live right next to a forest) to wear eye protection and nose protection…but what’s the use of going outside if I have to basically drape a blanket over myself and not enjoy anything? looking into cromolyn sodium now as a result of my googling, which doesn’t sound too bad a thing to take, that might help.
i’m also annoyed because if this is all true, then at the time of year when I would most like to open my windows- spring and summer – I can’t. And then the time of year with no pollen, when I could open my windows and let in the best air for me, it’s freezing outside.
I feel like out of all the things I’ve done in my life, that breast-feeding was the loneliest thing. You have a baby right there- a person- but they can’t talk or really communicate past anything other than tears or smiles, and a husband, maybe, and family all around you, but no one can do it for you. People might cook and help around the house, if you’re lucky. But no one else except you will be getting up every 2-3 hours, no one else but you will be aching and twisting and writhing tired in the bed, finding different positions to stay still in for hours while feeding the baby, over and over again, every day, all night, until it’s finally over.
i’m glad I did it – I would do it again solely because of how much I love this baby. But it was the loneliest and hardest thing. I remember feeling relieved when I got so sick I had to be hospitalized. not right away – I was worried at first. But when it seemed like things were getting better after they gave me the antivirals and antibiotics, I realized in my someone-else’s-urine-smelling hospital bed that I wouldn’t be bothered for a whole night- that I could rest for hours straight and not worry that baby needed me- and inside I just sighed with relief.
there must be a connection?
(these are my feet almost healed. i’m only including “after” pictures of my feet. No “before” ones, though I have them just for reference, because I don’t want anyone to barf.)
12/4/24
I think if in the spring, my feet/skin get bad again, I will consider making a big location move. I was reading that living right next to trees, as we do, can expose you to 10 times more pollen than living down the street from them. so maybe I need a whole change of scenery, like different trees, and also not right next to them. looking up walkable cities that have good children’s libraries and a decent school system.
12/5/24
working through it
have to go back to the beginning, build it back up block by block, now that we’ve been decimated.
a little every day.
“calculated exchange creates boundaries, and non-calculated exchange creates bonds.”
take it down. take it waaaaay down a notch. be appreciative of everything. Go back to the beginning. Assume nothing and no one is attacking.
One thing I love about cats: how when they’re falling, mid-air, they self correct.
***
during the day, when I flex my feet and curl my toes, it doesn’t feel like things are cracking and breaking in there anymore. everything is starting to come together in one piece again. it’s so nice to have this burden lifted.
12/8/24
my plan to prevent becoming sick next season is to become so healthy before then that I don’t react to pollen or anything anymore. Is that even possible?
Marriage Journal 