a luxury i never realized

9/29/24

something that’s improved about sleep lately, though, is I noticed it taking me less time to fall asleep. Before, like last year, I was going to bed and lying awake for an hour, or even two. now, if I go to bed at 1 AM, I’m pretty sure I fall asleep within that hour. which is some improvement.

9/30/24

“you put more skin on my plate. Then I’ll feel happier and happier!”

-Hunter’s order to me while eating rotisserie chicken

10/1/24

baby being able to talk now is like the greatest thing. I keep imagining all the things he says is what he wanted to say when he was an infant and couldn’t talk, so everything cracks me up.

today by accident came up with what seems like the perfect healthy winter meal that I can put on repeat all the time. (gluten free, dairy free, egg free…) started with some way-too-spicy pulled bbq beef (leftovers from a restaurant), added some cooked og white rice, added chicken broth i happened to have started simmering this morning, then some og frozen vegs near the end. was still too spicy, so added big dollop of unflavored coconut yogurt, a little drizzle of pumpkin oil. what resulted was one of the best tasting things. All the flavor is coming from the barbecue beef: salty, meaty, umami, spicy and pretty sour, from the vinegar in its sauce. In its original form, the taste was so concentrated that it just needed to be stretched out with all these other ingredients. then also a bit creamy from the yogurt; I feel like I could eat this all the time. even with the yogurt, it was still too spicy while hot, but once it cooled down to warm, all aspects of the meal were perfect. nose running from all the spice, but it feels good – like seasonally appropriate food, because I’ve been so cold lately.

also just made the best tasting brownies, and all in the same pan. Got a glass baking pan, started with Simple Truth egg replacer (which is just chia seed and garbanzo beans), mixed with water, added melted coconut oil, added tigernut flour, a few tablespoons of maple sugar, a scoop of my chocolate protein collagen powder, a little macadamia milk to water it down, a little more flour, a little baking powder, mixed everything up in the pan itself.  Added tons of chocolate chunks at the end, like the volume of the chocolate chunks was almost equal to the volume of batter, and baked it at 350 F.

*

have been thinking about this just like three-second situation that happened the other day, when we were all in the kitchen and I had just leaned back into R who was holding me from behind, and it felt good to let him hug me and I wanted to stay there, but in front of me, I saw Hunter go up on his stepstool, and there seemed to be too much space between the stepstool and the counter, and without really any hesitation, I broke free of R’s embrace to move the stepstool closer to the counter and then stood there assessing that. what i was thinking is it’s a little sad that I have to choose sometimes. But I guess that’s what happens when you introduce a third person into a relationship. Like, I’m responsible for Hunter, so all my decisions are really going to be biased towards him from now on.  i’m responsible for his life and his safety. I know R does this with me, too, sometimes- like chooses to attend to Hunter rather than me- but it doesn’t seem nearly as much as I do it. I was just thinking and I guess also grieving who we used to be. How it used to be just the two of us, so that our choices weren’t as difficult.

10/2/24

had a dream this morning after waking up and going back to sleep: it was in the house, and I saw there was a half-eaten peeled banana in Hunter’s bedroom, just lying there on one of the beds, with gnats flying all around it, and I angrily went out to find R to let him know, because I knew it was he who left it there, and he cleaned it up, but got angry at me for being so angry about it, and then he stormed out of the house at which point I realized he really doesn’t do anything wrong usually, and is pretty perfect except for a few sporadic things here and there, and Hunter was saying “it’s not supposed to sound like this!” because we were yelling (but in real life, we don’t yell at each other). Then from inside, through the window I saw R speeding away in his car/truck to clear his head I guess, and I wished he would just stay home because I was afraid he would get in an accident and then I would have to leave the house- which I don’t like to do- to go to the scene and help. And then this other scene in which Zachary Quinto (I’ve been watching Brilliant Minds) and one of the interns start having sex, and it was in a public place like an auditorium, and I think I might’ve arrived at that place and realized that Zachary was R. And at the end of the dream, I realized R was having sex with someone else while still married to me. Which I was still trying to mentally/emotionally process as I woke up, and when I woke up and realized it all wasn’t happening, I was really glad. It felt like one of those nightmares where you dream the worst that can happen, because I also had dreams this morning of waking up late for work. Felt extra peaceful after I woke up though.  it felt like maybe a premonition dream – like what could happen if I don’t or can’t or won’t work through my anger.

10/3/24

tonight was the first time Hunter said to me “carry on.” I was reading him a book before bed and he kept pushing the talk button on his talking Iron Man doll to distract me while reading, and after he was tired of that, he looked back up at the book and waved his hand in the air, and flitting his fingers in the air, said “carry on!”

*

now we’ve both given away jackets that had negative memories attached to them: 

you: years ago now, your black leather one – you were wearing it the night we went out with friends and drank too much, and you said something about being able to bang two girls and still have some left for me, after which I walked out of the bar and into the cold street and the subway and then I came back and could not get physically close to you for the rest of the night, and at the next club we were at, finally allowed this one guy who had been hitting on me to take my hand, myself pretty drunk, and walk me away down the street towards his place I think, and we were actually having a nice conversation when I think you saw us, and got some Brazilian strangers to get me back and then you went up to him and i was scared you were gonna punch him, but you just threw your cup of water in his face and said, “that’s my wife!” you checked your jacket at that club, and forgot to take it home. when we were sober i reminded you it was there and you said something about bad memories with it anyway, and we never went back for it. 

me: the cranberry red winter jacket you got me some Christmases ago, which at first I loved, but now reminds me of when I went into the hospital in 2022, so sick with eczema herpeticum from 15 months of breast-feeding with no sleep, and wore it the entire visit shivering in the bed from chills and fever and virus and the jacket got a urine smell on it (from the obviously-not-cleaned-right bed- not from me) and now whenever I look at it, I can’t forget that smell, even though I hottest-water, pre-soaked, 5-rinsed, 2 hour washed it in the washer and highest-heat dried it when I got home and it went back to “normal.” Recently found my dream winter jacket (pastel rainbow colors) on Temu to replace it, so now i’m donating it. 

10/4/24

a luxury i never realized before, now that my feet are healing: taking off tight pants pain free, without having to finagle much around foot area anymore when stripping them off. It’s a luxury for these daily things to not be a physical struggle.