9/15/24
just realized it might have just been the berries. last night ate several again, when i was hungry, and later felt a little sick, again. (blackberries)
when I reach out to my hand and he takes it all the time now, I keep thinking how there’s coming a time so soon that he won’t want to hold my hand anymore, when he’s older, and becoming a man. his chubby hand is so warm and soft.
was changing him just now, 7:30 at night after he’d been asleep for about a half hour, and during the changing he woke up laughing and looked around the room, and just kept laughing while I changed him, and after I was done changing him, he rolled to his side and fell back asleep. it made me happy because I thought maybe because he’s laughing during his subconscious time, it means he’s really happy.
9/16/24
it’s weird how the condition of my feet can kind of change daily, like it doesn’t take a long time for it to go from good to bad or from bad to good. last night, feet were amazingly not bad. Amazingly because just the night before they didn’t look too good, and then, even that same morning, there was some weeping. but when I took off socks at end of day, things were pretty flat, and it did seem a big improvement from when I last saw them. haven’t been doing much different – have even been eating more sugar lately in the form of Sweet Loren’s cookies, a clean brand I found which taste so good, for the past like whole week or more. The only things I can think of are: 1. I took showers closer together, like only a day or two apart? But I’m sure I’ve done this before and have not seen such an improvement. 2. I had a nice pillow talk with R in which I explained kind of in detail the pain I have with my skin, letting him know my nightly routine like if I don’t itch before bed, I wake up in the middle of the night and itch then, which is worse, etc., and maybe getting that off my chest helped me physically. 3. maybe the topical skin probiotic starting to kick in? it’s been like 60 days now.
other than these things, I haven’t been trying any new supplements or anything different that would improve it. Have started jumping on the big trampoline in our backyard, but only like 3x so far, and the last two times were like only five minutes each. maybe it’s the weather getting cooler? And the pollen/environment changing because of that, that is somehow better for my skin? I also suspected mold from our air conditioners, but we just used them like two days ago, so if it was that, wouldn’t I not be getting better now? So maybe it’s NOT that? Finally, it could just be a one-day fluke, and tonight maybe just getting back to the old badness? I don’t know, I guess we’ll see. but I’m kind of glad I’ve been eating cookies and it’s still improved, bc i love those cookies. like if my skin had gotten bad during this cookie-eating time, I would’ve blamed it on that, but now I feel free to eat them, in as much moderation as I can. though again, unsure of everything because it was just one time. need to wait more days to see if there’s any pattern.
9/17/24
yes, Baby does things that are really cute, all the time. But the general feeling for me that encompasses all of this- and by “all of this” i mean from birth onward- is just this like, sadness. Sadness of having lost so much and been in physical pain so much. And then this happiness that can’t compare to anything when I’m with him- when he’s holding my hand or hugging me or saying he loves me or just watching the circus show of his absurd behavior. It’s just maybe the greatest sadness and the greatest happiness at the same time- parenthood- for me.
9/18/24
Hunter did this a few times yesterday to me. while we were playing/interacting, he would stop and be like, “mama. Let me tell you something.” Then a dramatic pause, then he’d say, “you are so beautiful!” It made me laugh with surprise and delight every time, and also a little made me wanna cry, because of how not beautiful I’ve felt for the last three years.
he’s also started saying, “I love you” to me out of the blue, many times a day, randomly it seems. He’ll even do it when R is there but not say it to R. not sure if I should ask Baby to tell R the same thing, or if it’s better not to. like I would feel left out if Baby told R that and not me, but then I would also feel bad if R had to ask him to do it and he didn’t feel any initiative to say it on his own (does he even mean it then?). I’m not sure which is worse. I guess I would want R to address it and ask Baby if he loves me too, just so I know at least one person is “for” me/thinking of me.
9/22/24
last night after shower felt most put together i have in a long time. meaning i didn’t feel like I was falling apart via my skin (the water magnifies bad feeling of any open wounds) and I just felt more closed up and intact. haven’t cleaned the bathtub in almost 5 months because I’ve been hurting so much, but I feel like if it keeps going this way, the next time I take a shower I could stand being in there and scrubbing the tub clean, and not have this urgency to get out as soon as possible. In the last few days, I’ve even had no-no foods. Not bites of the pure form of them, but stuff that contained them, like there was this Cappello’s ravioli I served Hunter that looked so good that had real cream and cheese in it, that I ate, and bites of cheese bread here and there. I think 50% I’m doing it to test how much “problem” food affects me when it seems I’m on an upward improving streak (because I think that could tell me something about root cause) and 50% because I just really miss the food and want to eat it.
Have also been slacking w supplements- sometimes I just feel so tired that I just take them one time a day instead of the recommended 2x a day. (again, I think 50% because I’m getting lazy and tired with them, and 50% because I want to see if it actually has any effect on my skin if I slack off while I’m on a skin improving streak. like can I take half as much as I’m taking now and my skin still gets better? that would save me money in the future – I wouldn’t have to buy expensive supplements as frequently. or do food and supplements not even matter, and all that really impacts me is the environment/weather, which means I would have to move to another location to be comfortable all year long?) it’s confusing, because I think supplements helped me – when I went to see the functional medicine doctor and he put me on them, my skin improved after a little while on them. And also when he had me do food elimination, I did definitely seem to react to dairy and egg. But why now, then, am I not doing anything different (still sticking to the diet with a few more frequent mess ups, and taking the same supplements, and even less of them) and my skin is getting better? Doesn’t that mean there’s some outside factor that makes an even bigger difference? What is that factor? Or, could this be just finally the culmination of all my hard work trying to stick to the diet and the supplements and everything? I’m sure they haven’t hurt.
Marriage Journal 