displaced heart

7/28/24

had a dream last night/this morning that I didn’t even realize I had, like i had incorporated it as real life or had totally forgotten/buried it, until I woke up and went on Facebook and was looking for a guitar to buy and the wording of one listing about saving money just jolted my memory of the dream. 

It was: well, there were a lot of details I forget now. But what I remember now, hours later, was: we needed money, and the character in the dream who was supposed to be R came up with this…way. it was like a kind of shady, underbelly, illegal thing where im not even sure exactly but involved competition in which every competitor dropped a hat and then immediately after, picked up a rifle and shot at a target and i guess whoever did it fastest and hit the target most accurately won. so the rifle he got me wasn’t “real” – it worked but was pieced together with just junk parts. then like the next day he tried to buy a real rifle from Lowe’s, but he came out empty-handed because they declined his card because he had no money. And I thought to myself how I could’ve bought my own rifle, but I didn’t want to do anything illegal. So I guess I was just going to compete with this like junk rifle. I don’t know.

“I forgot to warm it up a little bit so it’ll taste good and nicey-doo”

– Hunter when he was playing with a toy blender and microwave at his cousin’s 

7/29/24

3:36 am

So every time this weekend I thought I would be able to cut his nails, he either woke up from his nap, or by the time he fell asleep for the night I was too tired to do it, and was rushing to go to bed myself.  So tonight, around 3:30 in the middle of the night I woke up remembering that they were not cut, and tomorrow he would probably be gone for the rest of the week and they were too long, so went down then to do it. Hard to fall asleep afterwards. The next day, today, so tired, I can hardly stand or sit up straight. Did not do anything today except take care of baby half the day, eat, go to bathroom, and work.

8/3/24

watching him this morning, with his feet on my arm, still sleeping, thought: “now my heart is outside of my body.” then: “why would anyone do this to themselves?