to think beautiful

6/30/24

thinking about that 10%. i think…in the beginning i definitely fell in love with R, KNOWING he was impulsive and spontaneous. Maybe not fully comprehending the extent of it, but definitely sensing these characteristics in him and liking them. and i still love him – he wasn’t told really what to expect with a baby, same as me, and though i definitely still think the burden of labor, starting from pregnancy through birth until now fell/falls with me, things are gradually starting to even out. he’s not like a superhero, but most men are not. he’s a good guy who loves me back and is trying in every area of his life. and everything that’s happened, i wanted to happen. this baby is one of my dreams come true. i guess… it’s just easier for me to blame when things get hard. i just want some burden – any burden- off my shoulders.

7/2/24

have been thinking about death recently- not so much directly, but just when alone, feeling it more – the ultimately of it, the inevitable approaching of it. lots of things triggered this i think: watching the whole series of Six Feet Under and other shows, just everyone around me getting older as well as myself, how my mortality was brought center stage when i had to go into hospital 15 months into breastfeeding, and being chronically sick ever since. to ponder it feels…a bit uneasy, uncomfortable, achy when i think i won’t see Hunter’s whole life from beginning to end, probably. And it also makes a lot of things that concerned me when younger, like jewelry and trinkets and outfits, seem really unimportant, which in turn makes me feel like i wasted so much time. 

at the same time…i think there’s something to be said about looks and appearances. what interests me about it right now is how looking at something beautiful or feeling beautiful can change your mood, which i’m sure affects chemicals and hormones and a cascade of other body processes positively. and in contrast, constantly feeling or thinking “ugly” and “disgusting” – how that might keep you down in a perpetual cycle of sickness, or at least factor into prolonged sickness.