you will return to me

5/19/24

pretty sure I have not felt the dizziness at all this week. (it’s gone)

5/20/24

had a class, my first, with Sarah Jackson Coaching today. it was really good, restorative, informative. some things i learned/that occurred to me during:

how I want myself to feel, baby to feel, and R to feel: you are safe with me. and I want our home to feel safe to each one of us too.

you will restore to me/more than I have lost.

Signal safety, dignity, and connection through the language of physical sensation, which is the language of your nervous system.

“never underestimate the power of making your body feel safe with you. Creating trust with your body.”

5/21/24

happy that i found a pretty good cheese. finally, one down. still need a good bread.

5/23/24

after our second therapist appointment today, talking to her about how R and I are different in that I can have peace being alone for days and days, while it seemed to me that he needed the companionship of others to maintain some homeostasis, it started me thinking more about how different we are. like how he likes to go out, and I like to stay in. But I think these differences are kind of what drew me to him in the first place, maybe subconsciously. Like, maybe in my heart, I knew I am too much of a stay at home introvert, so I chose a partner to draw me out sometimes, to maintain balance. I wonder if he sensed the same thing with me but opposite (he felt that he went out too much and needed someone who would ground him by staying in a little more?). and even with our different native languages, we draw each other further out of our comfort zones. And I guess also this point of attraction, when taken too far, can sometimes become a point of contention (like when I REALLY feel like staying in, and he wants to go out). it’s like how they say your strength is also your weakness. I think it’s just if we communicate well and kind of know and accept each other’s personalities, when lines are crossed it’s not too shocking and maybe we can roll with it more lovingly. because for all my tiredness and exhaustion from these past two years, I still wanna grow as a person, and I still desire to change and become more beautiful and not stagnant. I know that somewhere, he wants this too. It’s how our adventure started. It’s just that this most recent part with a baby was so physically and mentally difficult, that we need some help now. but I feel like we are still well suited to each other, and I still love him very much. even though i’m not well, something still melts in me a little when i look at him, esp after he’s been out in the sun all day. he still has my heart and my loyalty.

5/24/24

if you die in your sleep…was your whole life like a dream?

his feet don’t fit in my hands anymore. i used to always while breastfeeding him, hold the bottoms of both his feet in the palm of just one hand. now just one of his feet are too big to contain in my hand. 

tonight on the couch i was holding baby in the very late afternoon/almost-evening light, and everything in the room was the same shade of blue, and R was sleeping right next to us, no sounds except for the air conditioner alternating bw on and off. and i was looking over this sleeping baby, his perfect skin. and i realized…it’s true, it’s happening: you will return to me/more than what i’ve lost. i started crying, holding my perfect baby, mine, in my arms, the heavy toddler weight of him against me so real. so real, and yet almost unbelievable how perfect. this is exactly what i would have asked for, of course. that he be healed before me. first the baby. him first, always. as an outsider, i always thought: i won’t be one of those selfless mothers – i won’t lose myself/my identity. but now knee-deep in it: i can’t help it. he’s innocent; he’s nothing but a tiny ball of pure sunshine energy. it feels like nurturing and protecting that is what’s most important, at whatever cost.

5/26/24

Hunter fell asleep holding my hand tonight. i looked over after he’d fallen quiet for some time and his eyes were closed, his face peaceful, his pouty lips pursed. i am in constant love. (simultaneously in a lot of pain too with skin, but this is what I most want to record and remember.)