D-word

4/15/24

dizziness is lessening now- if i lay down quick it’s almost like a drunken dizzy now, unaccompanied by nausea. but if I laid down and sat straight up a few times in a row, I’m sure I would get nauseous/pass out.

had this dream: Hunter and I were at my parents and my dad told me the ice cream truck was here so I grabbed my wallet and took Hunter out to go to it. It was this new kind of truck that I never saw before named Crispy I think. They had tons of menu options, which was overwhelming, and were really busy with a big kitchen i could see when i looked behind the cashier, and the cashier up front looked like Kieren Hutchison (i somehow managed to mention to him during our interaction that he looked like this actor but in the dream couldn’t remember the name, but I thought of him as Carey during the dream). I ordered a SpongeBob ice cream for Hunter, because in real life that’s what he’s been wanting, and for me, a Daiya dairy free chocolate, which, when I finally got to look at it, was only a tiny sad scoop of ice cream, and I wanted the one with a cone, oh well (im like 100% sure this has to do w my current real-life frustration of lack of delicious dairy-free cheese, gf bread, etc. options). the main part of the dream was that when I went to pay, I opened my wallet, and all the bills were play money. They looked real at first, and I took them all out, a 20, a 10 and a 5 I think, and they were all white and printed  correctly it looked like, and I was just staring at them, trying to figure out why they looked white, then realized it was play money from all different games Hunter had. I told Carey and he said it was fine if I wanted to give him fake money and laughed, because he liked me, but I said I wouldn’t, and was then searching a little frantically, because there were a lot of people behind me, for my credit card, but couldn’t find any credit ones, so had to use my bank debit card finally and remember thinking as he swiped it, “there’s at least enough money on there for ice cream..” (obviously has to do with our current financial state). After we ordered, I stepped away, and then Carey finally came out of the truck and brought our order, and in the moment that he put the order in my hands, he leaned in to kiss me on the cheek at the same time that I did to him, like we both had the same idea, and it was wonderful, it was all I wanted. i tingled and everything. I actually remember, I think, mentioning my husband or boyfriend (R) when I was talking to him, and he knew i had a son probably from seeing Hunter, but still, he really liked me and I really liked him, and there were immediate, mutual, romantic sparks, which left me feeling loved when i woke up.

4/16/24

last night …after R didn’t let me know where he was going and just left while Hunter and i were at the playground on Sunday, and after a tiny back-and-forth about it through text, I was seriously thinking of divorce like in the hour before I fell asleep. But then I considered that I am in the PMS phase of my cycle, so maybe I’m blowing up something small. I decided to give it a week and see if I still feel the same, and also after reading about divorce on Reddit, decided we should try milder tactics or to “save” things first like with therapy, rather than jumping from being generally happy, to divorce.

something really sweet (clingy?) that Hunter did this morning. We were just woken up in bed having slept together the last two nights at my parents’, and my mom had come to take him downstairs so I could sleep/work, and he wouldn’t go, and first she gave him the choice to either go down with her or she takes away his breakfast rolls that she had brought up to the bed, and he chose to have her take the food away rather than leave. Then she told him all about the gummy bears and vitamin gummies and stuff downstairs she would give him if he came with her, and he really loves gummies, but he still said no, that he didn’t wanna leave.  the final thing was that my mom said “do you want Mama to stay here all the time? Then you have to listen to me, or else Mama won’t be able to do her work and she’ll have to go home.” To this he responded, “ok i’ll listen” got up right away and went with her.  It just showed me like I don’t know. He really loves/is attached to me I guess.

4/17/24

feet had been getting better, until last night. I went to bed and couldn’t stop itching for a while, and then it was painful. When I woke up this morning, I looked closer and there was some weeping. I was trying to think back the last few days what I ate. I never broke any of my diet rules, but I thought 1) maybe there was some gluten-laced soy sauce in some sushi takeout i had, or 2) the granola that was in the açai bowl I’ve been eating for the past two days.  I looked it up, and I saw that the restaurant (playa bowls) offers regular and gluten-free granola, and I did not ask for the gluten-free one (I just assumed and couldn’t spare the few minutes to check that the granola was gluten-free). so basically have been ingesting wheat for the last two days, which I’m pretty sure is what caused the flare. It made me sad and discouraged that i’m kicked back a few steps. trying to take it easy on myself today and drinking a lot of celery juice and of course eating clean. Took a few more fish oil pills than usual to help with the inflammation. Trying to look at it as a kind of contest with myself to see how fast i can get my body back on track. 

4/18/24

this morning i just tried saying this line out loud in my head to see how it sounded: “i was married for five years.” “Yeah, i was married for like five years.” it sounded fine, actually. like it didn’t sound like a pathetically short (or pathetically long) amount of time or anything. I’m pretty sure i’d be comfortable saying it.

4/19/24

when I first got the idea of divorce this week, I thought it would be a very difficult thing. maybe it would be a little hard logistically like with paperwork and joint account and house and such. But the more I think about it, the more i think it might be best for both of us: for me, I can avoid all the awkwardness around his family because I’ll never have to see them again, I feel really safe at my parents especially at night because there’s no sexual requests being made on me when I really don’t feel like having sex bc i still feel like i’m recovering, and that worry i feel around him whenever he drinks- that he’s drinking too much- is completely removed because I don’t have to witness it every night – everyone I live with here, my mom and dad and Hunter- are like much more stable people. For him, he could find someone who likes to be butt fucked and will eat junk food and dairy and eggs all day long with him – stuff I can’t give him. Maybe someone more fun-loving than me, someone more like him. and I also keep getting the thought like: “he gave me what I needed (the baby). Maybe I don’t need him anymore.”

4/20/24

tonight was playing hide and seek with Hunter. gave him a nice long 20-second count, during which i heard him scrambling all around the room looking for a hiding spot. when i finally opened my eyes, he was standing right in front of me, looking right into my eyes and patting me with his little hand and smiling lol. also this morning he woke up and first things he said to me: “you’re my superhero.” “you’re my incredible hulk.” “you’re my captain america!”