graceful changes

2/6/24

There is no death – there’s only birth and birth and birth…
– Six Feet Under, “Daddy” episode

2/7/24

11:05 pm: like a half hour ago, i saw the mouse run under the couch. me and R barricaded the living room and called R’s dad to come help (he’s currently visiting from Brazil) and they turned the couch over while i stood back and sweated and shook on the verge of crying and eventually it came out and R slapped the mouse dead with some cleaning stick we have. i handed R an empty plastic diaper bag which he put the mouse in and he carried him out and threw him into the forest. We think it’s over now- that he was the only mouse in the house. But we’re keeping the traps out just in case. Afterwards, R said, “we gave him a chance. we set those catch and release traps everywhere and put the best food in them for so long, but he never used them.” yea, i said. i was exhausted.

2/8/24

I was just thinking it’s weird how logically I always knew that humans need to sleep to be healthy and survive. And then I lost so much sleep for two years breastfeeding baby, but still, it wasn’t until I went to the doctor and he told me point-blank that sleep was the most important thing and if I didn’t get enough sleep, nothing else we tried would work. It wasn’t until I was told by someone else who had a (very expensive) professional opinion, that I really started to take it seriously. Like why couldn’t I take it seriously before that? maybe I was just too out of it, and needed someone else’s direction- someone sane, focused, and trustworthy – because I couldn’t trust myself in the messed-up state I was in. Like i didn’t know up from down at that point…i couldn’t focus on what i needed to do without outside help.

2/10/24

card of the day