12/18/23
drew the left two cards, but the nine of cups just involuntarily flipped over while i was spreading the deck when it got “caught” on a wrinkle on my bedspread. I actually kind of like when that happens – it’s just happened once or twice to me already.
12/19/23
now approaching midcycle, those thoughts I had last week about R and no money and leaving him are not even on my radar anymore. I feel happy in our relationship and content right now and optimistic for the future. As christmas gifts, i recently got three checks from three different aunts for about $150 each, which i’m sure helped make me feel like I have a buffer and eased mental stress about finances for now, but I also feel like hormones/biology (like where i am in my cycle) play a big part in navigating my mood. also I feel like writing it out helped a lot – like to just dispel it and disperse the feeling.
12/20/23
got 4 of pentacles when asked about my diet in relation to my eczema.
got this card when i asked what Hunter needs right now.
I have to say- for how sad my bank account looks, and how superficially worried I am about money, so many of the tarot cards I’ve drawn recently (and without any specific question in mind except like “what is my card for the day?”) have to do with material gain and financial stability. Almost like my subconscious or something is trying to comfort or reassure me that everything will be OK. It’s nice. it’s nice to have that message just repeatedly coming up. I do find it reassuring. Thanks 🙂
12/21/23
I was surprised that since like last week, the skin on my feet have started returning to normal, starting from the toes up- it’s getting thinner and smoother, back to the texture it should be – it’s definitely better and less itchy. there are still little rash spots near the tops, but it’s the body part where it was the worst, and for so long, so I feel good about this progression. No weeping at all for the past week or two, no steroid use. Only doing the supplements still and still trying to exclude dairy, egg, and grains from diet. And still trying to get good exercise and sleep, though def not getting it perfect with any of these areas: some cheese and some rice still, some days without exercise still, some bedtimes still way too late and morning risings too late. I did get a little spot in the space between my upper lip and nose these past two days which I mini-freaked about and started taking lysine again (12/23 update- it’s almost gone now), and my face still very uncomfortably itches sometimes, but still, in general, everything is better, and during/after I shower, it’s not really painful anymore: after i shower, I can lotion up, brush hair and put on clothes and be ready to hang out with R (without needing to spend an hour alone trying to calm and soothe burning skin) – this alone is a huge improvement from just a few months ago, that i’m really grateful for.
last night, I slept with R in bed. I didn’t sleep with him the night before because I was too tired. But last night was wonderful, and we didn’t even have sex. We just kept holding and holding each other in different positions as we both fell asleep, and it was heaven for some reason. The thought occurred to me as his arms were tight around me: “how is it possible to feel free wrapped so tightly in someone’s arms?” I don’t know if I’ve ever felt this way before- I think I usually felt a little trapped when boyfriends tightened their arms around me, but last night I 100 percent didn’t- it was the opposite, it was like he was freeing me. At one point I was so happy when we were laying there together that I was afraid a plane was going to crash through the wall and kill us, because of how overly-tipped the scales felt in my favor at that moment.
2nd card: got when i asked how my brother is doing
12/23/23
the set of three cards was the answer when I asked what would happen if I went out tonight. R said he’d watch the baby if I wanted a break (i did- i alone slept with baby last night and watched him by myself all morning) so i had the night free, and i was thinking of doing the kind of going out where you actually spend time on your makeup and outfit…i miss those kinds of nights, but i also wasn’t sure if i felt like putting forth the effort and had a lot of stuff to do at home, so i asked the cards. it was interesting and i also wasn’t surprised – i had a hunch it could turn out like that – ending up scattered and unfocused, given the way I was feeling (a little mad/vengeful at R) so i decided against it and stayed home. I’m not single anymore – i’m married- so…it does make sense that when I feel mad at my husband, i probably should not intricately do my makeup and put on a sexy outfit and go out alone to a bar/club/party/wander the city and “just see” what happens (which is what i was considering doing). Like i can’t deal with frustration the same way I did when I was single (which was kind of irresponsibly). I should try to face everything that really bothers me, like a grown woman.
“Listen in the darkness with all your heart, body, and soul. This, becomes your wisdom of your body.” – Maria at Birth Song Botanicals
Marriage Journal 