11/10/23
6:50 pm tonight, while running: I wonder if girls who get killed at night feel guiltier right before they die than girls who get killed during the day. Because maybe the ones who were out at night blame themselves for the time of day they chose to go out (night supposedly being the more dangerous time). (I had just binge-watched the Wildfire TV series since last night and all day, because my Amazon prime is ending today and I think I would lose the free viewing, and when I stepped out in the total darkness to finally run, got a little twinge of a scared/bad feeling, but went running anyway, because I wanted to exercise and it was cold and beautiful out, had just rained. While I was walking to the park alone in the dark, got scared because a car had a dog in it that barked right as it passed, and then inside the park, a car came around the corner right as I was going around the same corner [but we were in different lanes], and then the whole huge park was deserted while I ran except for one lone guy sitting on a bench who I didn’t see until I was just like 5-10 feet away from him, which startled me a little bit, but I just put up my hand when I went by him and kept running. obviously nothing happened because I’m back now.) But I feel like guys don’t get the same twinge of fear when they step out alone in the dark as girls do, as I do. It’s getting dark so early now- I used to be able to go out and run at 8 o’clock and it was still light out.
11/13/23
I can’t pay for all the things I want to pay for. (fx dr. appts- stopped, the expensive supplements- stopped, food/groceries – reduced…) I’ve never experienced this feeling before, of feeling so poor. it’s horrible- like a burden that’s with you day and night (I even dreamed of it). I used to always have enough.
11/14/23
was feeling lost and unsure without charting. Downloaded a BBT tracking app on phone, I think this might make it easier to chart, because not using paper (the old way).
I had a pretty good sleep last night I think. woke up with the ache in my abs that I always feel when period is here. In order to soothe the ache, I gave myself an orgasm because I read that it relaxes the muscles there. It did make me feel a little better, and I got up from bed and did not feel too bad, there was a lot of red blood, which I’m actually grateful now to see, after all the weird brown light spotting and absence of any “real” blood while I was on birth control pills. Now that I’m off it, everything about my cycle is more familiar and normal-seeming to me. Was feeling pretty good today: not too tired, appetite def slightly reduced, as usual on first day. cramps basically nonexistent (even tho bleeding is medium – was it the orgasm?), and I even went for a light run once around the track. Mood feels stable, I feel fine. I still feel like I have too much to do, but it’s more because I really have too much to do, not my mood.
11/15/23
last night, R mentioned how precociously Hunter is talking, how clearly he pronounces words, how he can’t believe it. We mulled over some reasons as to why, and at one point I said, “maybe the breast-feeding had something to do with it. it took a lot of out of me…I hope some good came from it.” I almost choked up when I was saying this, remembering how hard it was. R replied, “i’m sure it did.” And i felt reassured when he said it. But thinking about it now, i don’t know if he said it to make me feel better – to make me feel like I didn’t waste all those sleepless nights and wreck my body for nothing- or if he really thought it was true. There’s like no test for that i think. So we’ll never know how much it helped, or what a difference it made, if any.
11/16/23
made up a goal today, because I really don’t want to stop supplements / going to the fx med doctor- I feel like he was making me better. But right now, living paycheck to paycheck. The goal: Have at least $3,000 in savings (bills not eating into any of it) in account before starting my appts again.
Recently, like in the past two weeks, my sleep has gotten better. It went from taking an hour or even 2+ hrs to be able to fall asleep, to falling asleep a little more quickly but waking up every few hours all night, to now, which is I’m falling asleep pretty quickly AND sleeping through the night and it’s enough finally- like seven hours. I do still wake up maybe 1-2x a night to toss or turn or itch a little, but am able to go right back to sleep. This is if I’m not sleeping with anybody though- it still really bothers me if I hear or feel anyone else move – need to be alone in bed to get this best sleep. and when I wake up in the mornings now, I don’t feel like bouncing out of bed like I used to, but I do not feel half dead, which is a great improvement. I now feel like I could possibly get up and feel like a normal person, which is what I did today around 8 am. Again, a great improvement. I don’t know if it’s the supplements contributing (the aller-aid and glutathione, which i’m down to the last pills so I’ve actually cut the recommended dose in half and tapering to make it last longer, because one bottle is $60 and the other $70) or it would have happened anyway.
past week or so, hair seems to be falling out more. Finding more strands on the ground, bed and everywhere. skin is still better tho – hands and arms have smoothed down. feet neck and face still dry and sometimes bumpy, but it’s better, and haven’t had to use any steroids in weeks – meaning no weeping or anything raised enough to warrant steroid use. Which is definitely progress. Def the best thing about skin healing = less pain.
Still trying to stay away from eggs, dairy, grain, but sometimes I let it slide: Had some Lactaid whole milk in hot chocolate the other day, added one egg to grain-free bread I baked last night (it called for two eggs), will eat a little rice if I’m too hungry and that’s all there is.
11/17/23
wow just learned kinda the most life-changing thing today in terms of daily habits: you’re not supposed to brush and mouthwash at the same time! you’re supposed to use mouthwash at a separate time from brushing. Also, you’re not supposed to rinse with water after brushing- just spit it out and leave the paste on your teeth. I always rinsed and rinsed. Though I think I might brush twice in a row now – once with rinsing to make sure no gunk is left, and then brush again right after and leave the paste on. source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tK0UC7j88o
Marriage Journal 