11/5/23
definitely PMS today. All day, alternately felt loving and tender towards Hunter, and then like killing people (not literally) all day. and something is definitely out of whack/imbalanced, because it feels a bit more severe than pre-birth control PMS. like I even ate chocolate all day and it didn’t really help.
11/8/23
in love with falling leaves. Today, bright and sunny, coming back from a run, this big yellow maple leaf floated down in front of me in the sun so that when I looked up, it looked like a shining star for a moment.
since learning more about health since starting to see the functional medicine doc (which I’ve paused for now, because running low on money, but hope to start again ASAP), I’ve gotten a little glimpse into how it is to be immunocompromised. Like with simple mold spores that are found everywhere, that don’t affect normal people, if your immune system is not functioning right, you can get an infection called aspergillosis. And even inside your body, there are deadly things residing like chickenpox and herpes virus, that never outwardly manifested on me until I did not sleep for 15 months straight, and then they “activated” and I started getting sick all the time. Like: sleep, diet, exercise, all the stuff that maintains your life force- if you neglect these things, you’ll reach a point where dark forces can easily just take over and snuff you out. Health stuff is pretty serious.
last night with R, didn’t use a condom. He withdrew at the end, but we aren’t really sticking to the plan, which is to use a condom every single time- because that’s the safest thing to do- until he can get health insurance to get a vasectomy. But it was late at night, and we hadn’t been together in a while, and I guess we missed the feeling. The reason I let this all happen though, is because of how strongly and like 100% surely I’ve been having PMS mood symptoms, which means I’m about to get my period. And I was thinking today: even though I haven’t technically been BBT charting by taking my temp every morning, I was just thinking that after 20 years of doing it pretty religiously, shouldn’t I like… have some sort of good sense now, of when the time is safe or not? Like after 20 yrs of charting and observing my cycle, cycle after cycle- which were all pretty consistent and predictable- I should know my body, by now, without having to take the temperatures, right? The temps are just one missing factor – among multiple other factors- cervical mucus, mood, cravings, etc.- of which I can observe and still access. The temperatures would make me that much more sure, but I just don’t have the mind or energy these days to be taking my temp every single day and then dotting it on the chart and connecting all the lines and all that shit.
just yesterday, weighed myself at 99 pounds! I’m so happy about it, that I can gain weight now. I remember like last year, dropping down to 89, and being so sick. I did have a full bladder and had just eaten a lot when I weighed myself, but still, that couldn’t have added more than 1-2 lbs right? Even at 97 pounds, that’s progress and I’m happy with that too.
I feel like also, because breast-feeding is pretty much over now, that it’ll be easier for me to get back to normalcy, like a baseline again. I personally felt- and it was confirmed by the functional doctor- that breastfeeding can upset and imbalance levels of things in your body and really not help with inflammation. So i’m glad that that that big obstacle is moving out of my way and out of the picture now.
I know some people think it’s cute for a girl to be short or whatever. But this week, whenever I haven’t been able to reach something, like at Sprouts I needed tissue boxes from the top shelf, and people had taken a lot of them so only the back ones were left and I was standing on my tippy toes and even stepped up onto the bottom shelf as a foothold, and I still couldn’t reach it…and then putting the clean drinking glasses away, I can’t reach the top shelf of the cabinet without standing on a fucking stool so the bottom shelves get overcrowded… I’m just so pissed at how many things I can’t reach. I can’t even explain how angry, because it never used to make me so angry. But this week it just did, for some reason. Like i’m inept/incapable/inefficient, and i despise feeling like that.
11/9/23
realized tonight when I went out for a run even though it was too dark out (I had been working during the day and missed the daylight slot) – instead of forcing myself to go (it felt this way from the beginning) it’s now to the point that I don’t feel good unless I go out for a run every day. like if I don’t go now, I feel like i’m really missing something.
Marriage Journal 