10/23/23
i only see it now- 6 years and one baby later. My name changed the day that I met you. Before dating or sex or anything. Just…i think the moment i first saw you, I changed. I became new.
sometimes when i’m walking through the forest on that path with dappled sunlight bc of how thick the treecover, i feel almost like i’m not in my body still. i feel like this separate person behind the operating controls of a body. i don’t feel one with myself like i did before the birth, when everything operated smoothly, efficiently, even gracefully. when i was in pretty complete control. when i had full balance. now sometimes- i’m pretty sure bc my sleep still not well-regulated/still recovering – i knock into walls, i trip and stumble. i never did before. i wouldn’t exchange my baby for it, but- i want all that back.
i know kids are all naturally intuitive, but this past weekend i think it was the first time Hunter’s intuition really struck me: on saturday night we were at Hunter’s aunt’s, and R had too much to drink. this doesn’t happen a lot; maybe once a year or so (some neighbor had brought over fireball whiskey, R’s dad and uncle were visiting from Brazil, shots were done with much celebratory brouhaha, another round of shots, another…) but it was bad to the point where his eyes were very glazed over and unfocused, i could tell the difference in his body movements and increased socializing, louder talking, slurred words, and even his tone of voice changed- it got deeper and sounded different. Anyway, i guess Hunter could tell something too. R usually drives, but as we were getting ready to leave and i had put him in his carseat, I said just one time, among other (unrelated) things: “Mommy has to drive home.” Then a minute later, R rushed past me and sat in the driver’s seat, and turned around asking for the keys. Hunter shouted at him, “Mama drive!” when R didn’t answer him, Hunter shouted louder, repeating “i want Mama drive!” over and over 3 or 4 times, and he was visibly upset. He’s asked me to drive only once before, a few months ago, but it was playful, and he was relaxed and smiling when he said it. Saturday night…he almost had a desperate edge to his voice. Like he knew. R refused at first, but then two of his sisters ran up to the window telling him no way was he driving, and I said to R, “it’s three against one- actually more than three” as i glanced at his other sister and ppl back at the party who wouldn’t have wanted him driving either, and eventually he hoisted himself over to the passenger seat and I drove us all home (actually to mom’s, cause I didn’t know how long he’d be out of commission and needed help with the baby). But i just really feel like Hunter knew, even though he couldn’t fully express it in words. The urgent edge in his voice when he was shouting for me to drive – it pierced my heart.
10/26/23
Just this week, started feeling ok with getting out of bed before/by 10 am. That’s progress. and yesterday, I even went for a run in the morning, around 9:15. It’s been about 2 years since i felt ok getting up before 10. While I was running, I whispered to my body, “Yes, this is what I want. Thank you. Please keep going in this direction.”
10/27/23
mid-cycle today. high energy this morning. ran at like 9 am
in the middle of a slight flareup right now, I think I have to also put grains to the back of the queue to reintroduce, because I’ve been eating rice like every day the past few days – maybe they are the cause my skin not fully healed?
something nice that’s been happening over the past few weeks: since my parents have been keeping Baby there during the work week, R and I have started sleeping in the same bed together. i used to think that I would never be able to sleep in the same bed as someone, but every week, it gets nicer. The last few nights, after him being at work all day, I looked forward to being in bed with him, and at night during sleep, it’s nice to reach out and touch him when I change sleeping positions, and fall back asleep with my hand or foot somewhere on him. Background: We used to, in the beginning years of our relationship, have separate beds in separate rooms, and we still do. but when the baby came, my room became the baby’s room because i slept with baby every night, with R sleeping upstairs on his own. Then, after I got sick and went to the hospital 15 months into breastfeeding, it turned into the situation of all 3 of us sleeping together in the same room, with me leaving to go upstairs to sleep by myself after I had put the baby to sleep, and returning back down there when R left for work in the morning. It’s still like that on the weekends (and actually, R is starting to be able to put him to sleep without me), but during the week, it’s just the two of us now, in Hunter’s room together, in the big bed. It’s new to us, it’s nice. i sometimes have to step out of the room to scratch and that’s horrible, but mostly, it’s nice.
had my third (i think) appointment, with the functional medicine doc on tuesday. We went over my allergy blood test results and I’m allergic to so much besides dust mites: local trees, dog and cat dander, grass, other stuff. he put me on two more supplements, (glutathione and aller-aid), in addition to all the ones I’m already on. But he said it’s not for the long term- only until we get my physiology to shift. So that’s good. We talked for an hour and even that seemed not enough time to find out everything I wanted, but sufficient I guess.
10/28/23
it’s so much easier at home when baby’s not here. but, knowing he exists… i would willingly allow more chaos and stress into my life, knowing he exists, how he is…i’m willing to pay that price.
10/29/23
Again felt pretty good energy level today and ran around 9:40 in the morning.
Today i turned on the AC unit in our living room and when i came back a few minutes later, i smelled a musty smell i didn’t like. I looked closer and it looked dirty inside, possibly mold? I wasn’t sure, so i looked up some mold experts online, and emailed one and called another for an estimate/inspection. I know mold can definitely contribute to eczema. So we’ll see what they say/find. It would make sense, bc i remember how sick i felt when i tried sleeping in that living room months ago- i’m pretty sure it was during weather where the AC was running. And it would also explain my recent flareup (it’s pretty bad now on neck and feet) because it’s been hot like up to 80 degrees past few days so i’ve had to turn it on, after a long stretch of not using it (which i guess coincided with my skin getting better too, when i wasn’t using that AC unit).
Some dark feelings I had regarding all this: why does it have to be me that’s ultrasensitive? So many people pass through this house, and no one seems to suffer like i have. Like physically hurt like i’m hurting. Not that i want anyone to hurt at all. But…why…why can’t i be one of the ones that dust and mold and pet hair and pollen don’t have any effect on? Why do i have to be the one putting forth so much energy and money and time and thought into not-fun things like doctor appointments and elimination diets? I felt….jealousy, i guess it was. Maybe self pity? or anger? i don’t know.
The leaves are…so beautiful. The other day, father-in-law was raking our backyard and they were falling all around while he was raking. If you just sit out there, every second, at least two fall, if not more, all around. It’s cause our house on the one side is all trees; I never lived so close to a forest before, it’s…beautiful. More beautiful than spring or summer I think. They’re everywhere and crunchy and falling like rain that’s actually comfortable to stand in.
Marriage Journal 