the moon

8/29/23

had the functional medicine doctor appointment today. Got so much information that it would be too long to put here, but was very satisfied with the information influx. one of the things that I took from it was that the synthetic hormones in birth control can exacerbate my skin symptoms by messing with my immune system, so I stopped it cold turkey today.  it’s been like 2 1/2 months on it anyway, and I’ve seen no improvement with my skin, which was the sole reason I was taking it. If anything, it probably made my eczema worse. (The convenience of not having to get a condom and open it and put it on every single time or worry about pregnancy afterwards was nice, though.) The doc said he’s never seen anyone’s skin improve through using rx birth control. feeling kind of relieved from the burden of remembering to take it every day, but also worried about switching back to condoms and just misusing them / thinking we’re at a safe time and not using them and maybe getting pregnant. curious if my milk supply is going to return or not after being reduced for so long. wondering if R will get a vasectomy soon- we’ve talked about it before and he said he would be willing, so I don’t wanna bring it up and seem like I’m nagging. I feel like that might be the best thing for us to do though.

8/30/23

I think one of the most important things this doctor is doing for me is making me more sure about my treatment protocol. Because before, I was trying all sorts of different things, but not really sure if they would work or were good for me. Now I have more direction, and he recommended some of the things I’ve already tried (omega-3 and the Fiber GG supplement) but didn’t stick with because I just wasn’t sure if they were helping or not. But now I’ll stick with it and see – I have more confidence in my choices, and my choices are more narrowed-down (because of his suggestions), whereas before, they were all over the place (because of my desperation and lack of any medical training).

8/31/23

since like all day yesterday, I’ve been having this weird feeling like I can’t move fast enough to do everything I need to- like I’m moving underwater every second, no matter how fast I try to push things. I think it’s a combination of: 1. my volume at work really is increasing, so I have more work to do; 2. May have PMS from suddenly stopping birth control pills, because I feel like irritable too; and 3. maybe it’s just a normal feeling living with a hyper toddler who eats up every spare minute.

something I knew all along, but am just now fully realizing and feel ready to take action on: when I’m depressed and hurting, I’m sure it affects R. I want to get out of my pain and sadness not only for me- but I realize through marriage and just the general spirit of our relationship and friendship, me and R are really connected, and the mood of one of us affects the other. I’m sure my being down these past months has affected him, though he would never say so outright. I want to help myself as much as I can, so that it helps him too, and any problems that my depression may have exacerbated in him, can be healed. I love him so much, he’s always done good by me. I want us to be the best and the healthiest we can be. The baby kind of took over everything once he was born two years ago. But now…I want us to all rise up together, as one family unit, with the health of one of us not costing the health of another (like it did when I was up all night for 15 months straight breastfeeding).

something feels different about today, like there is certain magic or uncertainty or change in the air. I think a lot has to do with the weather- it’s noticeably cooler in the  70°s,  just really nice and cool and fall-like compared to the last hot days. The air feels different- there’s a change and a crispness. also, mom came to visit today and brought me food and acai, and told me that dad dropped a light bulb fixture or something when he was fixing it and it shattered on the ground, and she hoped it wasn’t a bad omen. Also, I drew a tarot card today and got the moon.

9/1/23

bleeding a lot today. Don’t know whether to count this as a normal period bc I know it’s as a result of stopping the birth control a few days ago. Def gonna wait a few months and make sure cycle is normal again before doing anything like trying to label a day fertile or infertile.

skin felt horrible today, unfortunately. Went to the big bounce house event in philly and it was a cool gig mostly, except 1) one of the cool-looking bounce houses that Hunter wanted to go in, that had a monster face as the entrance, there was a height restriction which he fell just under, and they didn’t let him him in (even with his dad), and nowhere (that i can remember) in any of the emails they sent or website did i read anything about there being height restrictions, so that was disappointing; and 2) my feet got wet in the big main bounce house from soap-water being all over the whole bounce house floor and unavoidable (i think from the bubble-making machine) . Luckily my feet aren’t really bad anymore and mostly closed up. But in the hot sun, my face burned like hell and I felt like hell, too hot. I feel like the prednisone is still coming out of my body maybe. Still, I don’t know if I can say with 100% certainty, “I wish I never took it.” I was in a worsening full-body flare when I started it. Maybe…maybe it helped, did something, kept it from becoming worse. All I know is, I’m never going to totally shun western medicine: it may be just full of band-aid solutions that don’t get to the root of the problem, but with topical steroids at least, it’s a band-aid that helped me out of months-long pain and misery by stopping the worst of it and allowing me desperately-needed respite. My feet are still doing a little better every day, still thank-god all closed up. On the days they seem fine, I just put all-natural balm and put my socks back on. If I see/feel any concerning bumps (maybe once every 2-3 days), I hit it with the tacrolimus or clobestaol- the smallest amount possible- and the next day it’s all flat and dry, and continuing to get better in general, which majorly contributes to preserving my sanity.