not scared of monsters

8/21/23

just started taking L-lysine supplement yesterday for skin, and have been taking l-histadine as well for a few weeks now.

8/22/23

after being sick for so long and so chronically these past 8 months (years, if you count “plain” eczema, and not just EH), part of me is afraid that I’ll never recover- that I’ll never be as healthy as I was and I’ll always be on the brink of sickness. But a deeper part of me knows: if I can get past this and learn through this, I will sensually experience and appreciate and feel and own my health at a level I never have before in my life. 

today seemed like the first day in a while that the high heat and humidity broke, and it was actually nice to open the windows during the day. It was also the first day, as far back as I can remember, that I smiled while doing chores around the house for the sole reason that my feet…felt like feet. The skin is not perfect- i still sometimes get an itch episode with them, but they are intact and not weeping and require a lot less maintenance and psychological energy now, and I’m way more at peace because of it. I’m vowing to never let them get that bad again, even if I have to use steroids to prevent it. i’m constantly monitoring every little bump and rash on my body now, to make sure I nip things in the bud before they spread. 

8/23/23

said to R “it feels like fall” last night. At night it’s going down to 60s.

even though I had a pretty “normal” birth with Hunter, I still feel that that day was a turning point with my body. As if I was ripped apart that day, and have slowly been coming back together ever since. Even though I was surrounded by my supportive husband who massaged me nonstop all those hours and two great midwives and a trusty medical establishment and everything, I still remember the experience with some trauma- I think mostly because I didn’t know what to expect- how all-encompassing the birth would be, taking over my every sense- I wasn’t ready, and thought it would be much smoother and easier (the unexpected torture of breastfeeding also contributed greatly i think to how hard it was). I feel almost as if I or someone or something jumped out of my body that day, and every day since I’ve been trying to creep closer back to my body, tentatively climbing back in, slowly learning to live in it again. and this was with a normal birth. I can’t imagine how hard a recovery would be from a traumatic one.

8/25/23

R found my phone in the fridge today, laying on top of the plastic bin of salad mix. i do not at all remember how it got there. but things have been crazier than usual this week with dad just finding out he has covid and no one to watch baby for the first half of the day (the task has fallen to me every day, and i’m still working).

8/26/23

not sure if I was supposed to start taking my birth control again yesterday, but I didn’t- forgot and lost count- but started again today, it’s the first “active” pill after the seven-day break. 

had a pretty hard day today pain-wise. Woke up around eight after Baby and R did around seven I think, and was really itchy, mostly on face, but still went out with them anyway, to a lakeside beach, Atsion lake. The heat and humidity has recently returned, and this weather combination really hurt me while I was out- I sweated and it made everything feel more inflamed and itchy, and we had to leave early because I was so uncomfortable. Hunter seemed a little uncomfortable/itchy too, also because of the heat, I presume. I needed to go home to take a nap, and R dropped me off there, and took Baby to a fun place (indoor kid gym), but Baby got scared of a dragon mascot while there, and they came back home right when I was waking up from the nap, maybe after an hour.

“oh mama! you’re so pretty and brave. you’re not scared of monsters!” -Hunter, out of nowhere while running around on the bed at bedtime. (he’s been watching a lot of halloween/zombie themed youtube videos lately)