7/8/23
the kids bday party today was really nice- my close coworker- i was glad to see her again after so long (a year). the only thing was it was so hot and they had an awesome blow-up bounce house water slide and i couldn’t go in cause it would have been hell for my skin. but i’m glad i went; i liked all the ppl there- laid back and non-judgmental, they seemed. Hunter had a blast playing in the bounce house and pool and inside with the bday kid’s toys.
spotting today, just a tiny little bit
tonight, at the end of nursing, he unlatched, opened his eyes and looked at me and said, “mon… monkey.” Then he closed his eyes and fell asleep. hahahaha
7/9/23
he’s started wrapping his chubby warm arms tight around my neck when i pick him up now, and leaning his entire body into me while i carry him. i can’t explain the feelings this jolts out of me…protective, loving, in-love feelings.
spotting again today
7/10/23
had a little spotting for two days. makes me a little sad that because of the bc pills, I won’t really know where I am in my cycle anymore/gives me an artificial cycle. I tracked it so closely, for so many years. I think like twenty years. I took pride in knowing.
I still feel my boobs filling up, and he’s still breast-feeding the normal amount of times he usually does. sometimes, rarely, he keeps switching sides and seems unsatisfied, so maybe it’s gradually getting less? I don’t know, maybe too soon to tell. *update 7/14: my milk supply does seem to be lessening.
The past day or so, I’ve been wondering if Hunter’s skin flareup last week was due to his sickness just before that- he just got over a cough not too long before that I think. Cause I was reading that back around his first birthday, he had this like whole-body, measles-looking rash which the doctor diagnosed as the after-effects of going through (and successfully ending) a sickness, so maybe the same thing just happened to him now after that cough? because his skin seems to be getting better/not worse.
7/13/23
woke up from nap late morning today with conjunctivitis in right eye, and skin (fingers, hands, feet, etc) hurting as usual per the last few weeks. i feel sick, disgusting, disgusted, weak, dirty, contagious, sad.
kind of decided tonight: even though the bc pills don’t seem to be helping my skin, gonna give them the three months the doc said i should, cause this method is so much easier for me than the interruption of opening condoms every time- i like this bc method better. And my natural family planning method I used for most of my life is kinda out the window now: my sleep and schedule is just too erratic now (with the baby to care for), to take BBT temp and give it the kind of attention it needs to work, and even when I was using this method, it didn’t work a lot times (I’m NOT fixing to have another baby). but i’ve read that birth control pills deplete vitamins and minerals and your good gut bacteria…so if i see like significant health problems starting that i’ve never had before by the 3-month mark (or later), i’ll consider stopping it altogether. just want to give it a good try.
if I ever get better and survive all this to flourish and thrive, please know that i couldn’t have on my own – i would be dead on my own, i think. i needed so much help and support. from my husband, my parents, doctors, friends, hospitals, scientists, medical staff…. i needed so much help, or i wouldn’t even exist, i realize. I needed everyone’s help, and i’m so lucky they gave it.
7/14/23
funny thought I had today after researching more on birth control pills: if men die earlier, and I’m older than R and maybe get complications from taking bc pills long-term, maybe then we’ll die at the same time/more around the same time.
had a dermatologist appt today. called yesterday in bed, as soon as I woke up, and made the appt bc I was feeling so bad and didn’t know what else to do. weird: was expecting her, like all others, to prescribe topical steroids, even oral ones (and I was actually mentally prepared/preparing take them- that’s how much I want relief) – but all she prescribed was antibacterial ointment (Mupirocin 2%) and oral antibiotics (amoxicillin 500 mg) and said to use Aquaphor and wrap my feet in saran wrap to create a moisturized environment for healing and use the antibacterial ointment on the red spots (my right foot, my middle finger, and neck). She asked if I was still breastfeeding and said she wanted to avoid steroids because I was – so maybe that’s the only reason she wasn’t as quick to prescribe them as the other docs. I’m just so desperate for relief right now, i was ready to go down that road. But maybe this is for the best though – to try the minimum first and see if it works.
Marriage Journal 