on my birthday

6/17/23

just last night, started taking chasteberry extract for skin. the taste is more bitter, more medicinal than red clover. taking 3-4 times a day and not sure if I could stomach the alcohol extract (using glycerin extract which lends sweetness).

6/18/23

On my birthday, left R and Hunter at home and drove alone back to my parents’ on empty late-night roads, went upstairs to my childhood bedroom without anyone noticing I was there, and curled up in bed in the fetal position. slept like a baby. in their house I can sometimes, fleetingly, still be the baby. I think everyone, sometimes, needs to be babied. Especially during hard transitions. My body was reaching out for it. The whole drive there I heard it saying: “Take care of me! take care of me. Hold me! Feed me! Let me cry.” It was all I needed and wanted. The next day, after a whole night and a whole morning with no demands on me, I felt back on track.

6/19/23

today was the first day in weeks and weeks that walking around the house doing chores, my feet felt fairly comfortable and not like they were cracking open with every step. have been doing bandages with various ointments and then socks, maybe this is better than no socks/socks only.

6/20/23

last night at like 3:30 am though, woke up with it bad, weeping over a large area (the tops of both feet) and today it feels bad again. Today had the fleeting thought again to break out the steroids and just be “done” with it – not sure how much more of this I can mentally take.

6/22/23

I think one of my favorite changes I’ve made recently is starting to make water kefir. I bought some grains online from Cultures For Health, and now there’s always a batch in the make on the counter and one in the fridge ready to drink. It’s too strong for me to drink straight-  I pour out a little and then fill up the rest with regular water and it’s a nice change from just plain water; it’s like a tangy water. I was especially craving it today after eating ice cream.

although my face is all clear now (thank god), I noticed in the past week, that under my chin, there is still a lump under my skin, like right under where my tongue is, where I think there shouldn’t be. so that is a little unsettling, as if it is just waiting in the wings to strike again. I keep pushing and poking it in, as if that will deflate it, but it doesn’t seem to help. Thinking to look into lymphatic herbs to address this.

when dad took Baby this morning and was driving away with him, I felt not one shred of guilt.  I realized why: I just gave this baby my everything- I had no more to give, and was passing him on to the next person until I recharged. Last night, nursed him late into the night, around midnight. Worried about his cough (he currently has a bad one, but no fever or anything else), remembered we had cough syrup that I bought him as an infant that we couldn’t use because of the honey ingredient in it, dug it out from the back of the fridge, placed it near the bedroom for the next day. Got up early to nurse him, tiredly but willingly nursed him on both sides- two times on each side, per his request- from 6 am to 9 am, dozing in and out all the while, so tired. When he finally woke up for the day, cuddled with him while also a little sadly (because I can’t do everything at once) eyeing the work just sitting in the queue on my laptop that I could not do yet. Changed diapy, changed his clothes, gave him a dose of the cough syrup and then packed it up for dad for the day, and finally handed him off, with nothing left- Time to start the day now. After starting it like four hours ago.

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thoughts that occurred while in pain with feet tonight:

touch hurts it, and touch heals it, all at the same time.

nothing you encounter in life will need running away from.