6/4/23
what if all that is really holding up the world is the prayer of mothers? (how I was so lost and promiscuous that summer after high school but never got an STD and mom said she would always pray for me during that time. and how I pray for Hunter now. and how many others are so protected. How no one can know the count.)
The biggest lie you can believe is that you’re alone.
6/5/23
a Nice, beautiful thing that happened: Saturday afternoon, took a bath. Foot still bad, and a little while after I got out of the bath, got the familiar itchy feeling but had spent so many hours away from R and Baby already, that I decided I would get dressed and just go out to the living room and hug R at least one last time before I itched it (the whole process can take a long time, like a half an hour or so, until my skin calms down afterwards and I feel comfortable enough to be around people again). So I went out with my foot really uncomfortable and put my arms around my husband and leaned into him and just enjoyed it for a minute, then I told him that my foot was itchy so I might have to go soon to itch it. he responded, “let me help you,” and avoiding the top of my foot where it’s bad, he itched the bottom of my foot, which my feet soles totally fine. And I just gave a weak smile at his attempt to comfort me while he did it. but something funny happened in that, as he was doing this, and we were looking into each other’s face, R genuinely being as comforting as he could and me open to it even though I didn’t think it would help- the itch went away. I didn’t think it was possible: I’d had the same feeling before, on my own, and in my experience there was no next move- nothing i could do in life when I had this feeling- until I itched it and then could move on, and I thought this was one of those times. But as he itched the bottom of my foot for me, I just got calmer and calmer, and it went away, and I miraculously ended up not touching my foot at all- not feeling the need to- all weekend, up until Monday morning (two days later) after I got out of bed and there was no one in the house. But after it happened, the same day, I told R I couldn’t believe that it happened, and he said, without any hint of joking or doubt, “it’s because I’m transferring my energy to you.” Then: “You should let me help you more- I want to help you.” he had been asking before this if he could spray the Briotech spray that I just started trying on my foot, but I had declined, saying that it only took a second, and doing it myself. needless to say, we had a really nice weekend together after this. it was a milestone- something we accomplished together, that I would never think could happen, in all my 40 years experience with eczema. Could it be true- does love really conquer all?
feel even closer to the solution today. went back in journal to Dec 2020/Jan 2021 when I was first pregnant with Hunter, and read that skin, after being bad a long time, started reversing as well—just like recently when I was pregnant. I know it can’t be a coincidence. Now just trying to find something to work into my life that mimics this condition.
how does your body feel when it believes in a good idea completely, with its entire being? have you ever felt it? I think this is important to know: what it feels like to have faith, and not lose it.
6/6/23
For skin, started taking liver lover by Bioray (drops, 2x a day), 3 evening primrose oil capsules at meals, and red clover extract (drops) by Nature’s Answer 3x a day between meals. On top of still taking Armra, fulvic humic water, and basic vitamins (prenatal, vit D, vit A, and probiotic)
6/7/23
Stopped taking the Liver Lover today – was reading more on red clover and it’s supposed to also be like lymphatic cleansing (the reason ppl don’t recommend taking it while pregnant/breastfeeding is bc those are not the times to have toxins circulating in your body) and Liver Lover is also toxin-cleansing, so I didn’t want to be taking more toxin-cleansing things than I had to (was taking both things for skin) so I stopped it and will continue with just the red clover, the bare minimum. I don’t even want to do red clover bc of any risk to Baby (still breastfeeding), but my foot’s so bad- hurting consistently throughout day- that I need to do something. and not steroids. Anyway, if there happens to be a time when I’m not BF and need to try something for skin again, I can start it again def then.
Also stopped taking Armra- I’m guessing it wasn’t helping, and paired with how expensive it is ($109 each bottle, but I had a discount on my first one at $81) plus the fact that my body def has a sensitivity to cow’s milk, figured it’s not worth it. Just gonna use it like milk powder on desserts and stuff until it’s finished.
the sun’s a weird color this afternoon from the smoke. Like sunrise/sunset pink. Strange, sad…
6/8/23
Was surprised tonight because when I went to cut Baby’s nails they were still so short, as if I had just cut them, but I don’t think I’ve cut them since last week (since he was a baby I’ve clipped them every week, because that’s how fast they grow, until this week). I wonder what made them stop growing this week. Maybe he’s at a growth plateau now?
6/9/23
this morning wondering if this unprecedented feeling I’ve gotten in my lungs recently has anything to do with the Canadian wildfires. Just googled when they started, and it says the beginning of May. that coincides in my journal with when I started feeling this constricted lung feeling that still hasn’t gone away. Didn’t know these fires were happening (and how big the scope of it) until just like this past week.
Just ordered an austin air purifier yesterday- super pricey but…i feel like we need it- maybe baby and i most of all.
I feel like I’m not thinking the same thing as most people. While on my phone today, I rested my chin in my palm and it made me think, “it’s a miracle I can even rest in this position – that I can touch my own chin. that soft skin now covers where a nightmare once was.” (Skin there is almost back to normal now)
Marriage Journal 