the forest of self-discovery

5/13/23

there are these large black crows that live around here- i’ve seen them in our backyard a lot lately. when they’re coming in for a landing, I’m usually near the windows that face the backyard and see them, and have gotten startled like three times already because of them, because they swoop by so low- like ground-level window low- and aren’t flapping, and pass by in a second, so that it looks like a person – the back of their shoulders – dressed in all black, trespassing, so close to me, moving fast. i’m still not sure if it’s the crows. but i’m pretty sure.

5/15/23

just found some poison hemlock (used plantnet ID app) growing in our garden in the backyard, like seven different places it’s sprouting up. have to get rid of it, dig it up when I have time.

had a dream the other morning, early in the morning, that started out benign, but turned scary. It was like two days ago, so I forget most of it now. all I remember is that I was in some sort of room, might have been a classroom, with my teacher/an older lady. Random things were being catapulted through the air, and one of the things was this black cobra snake. It was sailing through the air, and I thought it would go completely past us like the other stuff, and not near us at all, but as I kept watching it, it seemed to change direction, and it was a live snake- real and hissing- and suddenly flying directly at my face before I could even realize, and right before it did, I asked the lady something like if she thought it would come near us, and just before I woke up, it was about to bite me in the face. it was moving so fast and so close to me that i’m sure it bit me- I just wasn’t asleep and dreaming anymore when it did. what reminded me of the dream was that I was just looking in the mirror and noticed I have this little rash that popped up that looks like a snake bite, near the bottom of my chin, there’s two puncture-looking wounds there.

The yunnan seems to either not be working or not be working well enough for me to continue taking it, as I still feel bad-really dry and puffy and inflamed- especially when I first wake up in the mornings. Stopped today, and only took one pill yesterday (took three the day before, though). I ordered this powdered colostrum from a company called Armra (saw an ad on Facebook), and idk. I mean, we’ll see- I’ll be consistent and take it and see if it works, but at this point I’m feeling a little sad and jaded bc i’ve tried so many supplements, diets, and topical things that don’t work.

Was staring outside today while working (went into the van to work because I was so cold in the house. it gets sauna-like in there on sunny days) and for some reason thought about how R told me once, in our early, pre-baby days, how when he was a kid and wondering about who he would end up with, he used to think to himself like, “maybe she’ll be born today, the girl of my dreams.” but then he added, when he was telling me this- “little did i know, she was already born!” – because I’m like 8 years older than him. I’ve thought about this memory a few times over the years since he told me and smiled at it because it’s a nice one, but today I had a new thought related to it, which went like: how god answers your prayers before you even pray them. how he prepares your way out before you even look to escape. and then my quiet unspoken hope from all this inference: that maybe he knew before I was even born how much I would suffer with my skin, and he already made the solution exist all around me, or very close to me, and I just have to find it- or just keep going to get to the part where I find it.   

started taking this “fulvic and humic” multimineral water supplement today that’s supposed to help skin. supposed to take 1 tbsp twice a day. I like the taste – earthy-sweet, and how it looks- dark like swamp water.

5/16/23

over the course of like one day, area on chin, right below lips, has erupted. Never got eczema here before. i’m not sick with any cough or sneeze or fever or cold or anything as far as I can tell- it’s just my skin. It’s a little painful, and very unsightly, mentally makes me feel bad and worried and sad for my appearance/health, makes me feel like withdrawing and not seeing or touching anyone until it goes away, but with husband and baby, that’s kind of impossible. So now I’m acting weird around them, like avoiding them, because of it. Drew tarot card this morning-just one- it was The Magician, a card I never got before. It’s a beautiful card, almost overwhelming with how full the illustrator (Kim Krans) stuffed the scene with symbolism. It’s all about action, she says. Action, action, action.

also, right before/while this was happening, felt lumps underneath my chin, like at the top of my throat, and today saw that it was bigger, and puffy- the lump right under my chin. I don’t know if this is any result from taking the yunnan paiyao, or if it would’ve happened anyway. No clue. But appetite is pretty lost right now as well. also worrying if this is contagious. can I pass this to Baby? He is always and forever smashing his face into me, constantly clinging to and touching and reaching for me. if it’s contagious, it would be so hard to avoid giving it to him.

worried also about showing face on zoom meeting tomorrow morning, which we have every Wednesday- how I’m going to hide it.  We also have our monthly meeting the next day, Thursday. Worried about how it’ll show up on screen. if I might wake up so bad tomorrow that I need to tell my manager about it in order to cancel/have permission to not show face, and how pitiful it would be if i had to ask for that. sounds messed up, but wondering if this is some sort of payback for having such a smooth abortion.

feeling the expectorant cough-y feeling again in my lungs, but have not taken yunnan for more than a day now and don’t plan to resume it. The looks of the inflamed area under my chin reminds me of when I went to the hospital so many months ago in December- I really hope I’m not like dying or have to go back to the hospital. Physically, I feel fine other than the weird lung feeling and the skin pain. and I have been getting not optimal, but decent sleep I think, since I’ve returned from the hospital like 5 months ago, so my immune function should be better. Even my Viome test results were rated “good” on both the immune system tests. But I don’t know what it is – I look so sick/like something’s wrong, if you judge it by my skin.

5/17/23

Something really cute he’s started to do: he’ll unlatch from breastfeeding after awhile and move down to my tummy, put his whole face on it and blow a raspberry so it makes a farting sound, and of course i crack up, and he does it over and over on all different places on my stomach until we’re both just laughing and laughing in the bed. he’s the funniest person- i sense he’s always either wanting to laugh or to make you laugh.

Thought (sarcastically) as I was laying in bed going to sleep tonight: “Yay, it’s so fun to be on the brink of death every few months.”

5/18/23

Are you only as beautiful as how well you take care of yourself?

Have been thinking a lot about the things I would want to have done before I die, because i feel closer than usual to death these last few days. Realized that while I would still want to have done some “chore-like” things like clean out my bedroom (still haven’t fully unpacked since moving here two years ago) and gone through my old poems to see if there was anything salvageable, I realized THE most important things to me are Hunter (I would want to make sure he knew mama loves him so much, and I would ask him to grow up to be a smart, strong, kind man), Rodrigo (romantic, generous, faithful, funny, lighthearted, calm, logical, pleasure-loving, handsome, sexy, shy, kind, polite- he was my One- my Last Love- my only husband and father of my only child- I would tell him go on and be happy and if that means another woman, I don’t care- I’m not here anymore it doesn’t matter), and my parents (I would tell mom that she was the best mom. she was. All those activities she shuffled us to and from. Standing at the sink peeling grapes one by one, just so they would be nicer for us to eat. And dad- that he was the best dad- that I’m so glad he didn’t try to be an aggressive “model man” like he had all the answers – I loved that he let me be independent and let me grow how I wanted, and admitted when he didn’t know things. I had the best life. The best life. Please don’t let me die yet).

this week, had a relapse of eczema herpeticum (it’s what was happening since the beginning of the week- maybe even before that- but i didn’t realize what it was until I thought to Google the symptoms on Tuesday night when it started getting especially ugly/painful and also R urged me to do something, and then i remembered the tarot card too.) i’d originally planned to just wait it out to see if it got better, but that was the worst thing i could’ve done. This condition is what put me in the hospital for the first time back in December. I had ruled it out in my mind because I thought you had to have a fever or otherwise be sick for it to manifest, because that’s how it happened with me the first time, but I guess that part is optional, because all the other symptoms (like inflamed lymph nodes, skin pain, fast onset, and just the appearance of it) all fell into line. It didn’t seem as severe/widespread this time, so I went online and got the same antiviral pills (valacyclovir) they prescribed me when they discharged me from the hospital (started taking it yesterday, as soon as I could), hoping to stay out of there this time and avoid the costs (I’m still paying for that stay) and the intravenous drugs. I don’t want to go into too much detail about it because I’m still sick with it and sickened by thinking of it and sick of it (I thought it would never come back- that that one time would be the only time), so this is all I’ll say about it: it’s the worst thing you can imagine, aesthetic-wise, and it’s on your face. Each time you pass by a mirror = mental dystopia. and it hurts- the pain is throbbing, stabbing, shooting and sickly strange- not in a good way. and if not treated early, it can cause blindness and/or kill you- via organ failure ultimately. and it’s rare (lucky me).

I learned some things about myself during this time, though. I learned what’s really important to me, and got in this minimalist mindset, which I kind of had before, but I’m even more committed to now because now I see the value and meaning of only keeping what’s precious and pushing all other things away. the realization of time running out and the urgency/clarity that follows. I learned that I need to relax more- not just in my physical activities (like not do so many chores one after the other- take breaks), but also with my mind conversations- like how I talk to myself- I need to be more generous and kind I think. i’m kind of stern with myself usually. I chastise myself a lot, i realized. I learned that I should take time to do things I enjoy, that give me pleasure, and not just work and keep house all day. because when I thought I might die this week, I didn’t want to die having just done chore after chore after chore all week, so in between I made sure I watched some Netflix shows I liked, that I ate a little ice cream, that I did other stuff that made me happy- stuff I didn’t give myself time to indulge in before I got sick. it changes you, sickness. maybe for the better. You suddenly look around for what truly- society and peers and media all aside- what truly makes you happy, and you follow them like butterflies- you lead yourself deeper and deeper into the forest of self-discovery.

5/19/23

The beginning of the week’s dreams were not good, but now they’ve started becoming so nice. had some sensual ones that I woke up happy and peaceful from.

The bedtime breastfeed: 80% baby torturing me to sleep (coming on and off, biting, squeezing other nipple, slapping me in the face, scratching me, continuously poking his finger into my belly button) and 20% him lullabying me to sleep with angel cuteness. sometimes a combination of both of these in one sitting.