the sweetest slowest

4/24/23

since deciding to have an abortion, have been dreading the pain a little. Maybe a few times every day, thinking it might hurt and worrying. But just today, a new thought occurred, which went something like: “to the extent you self-condemn and wish to punish yourself, that’s how much it will hurt.” Interesting, though I don’t know how true.

Took the first pill, mifepristone, around 8 AM this morning, now it’s 11 AM. I feel overwhelmingly sad, like I just finished crying hard, but I haven’t cried at all. I feel thin, delicate, vulnerable, breakable inside. Energy is really low, lethargic almost, but I can’t even describe it as lethargic. it’s like some all-encompassing feeling that’s arisen in me to just….lie down and not move or talk or make any sound ever again. To lie perfectly still until I don’t exist anymore. to not see or hear anyone – others are too much, and even myself is too much- i can’t even stand myself: Too full of guilt, too worm-infested and weighed down with guilt. even crying loud feels shameful to me. I just want everything to be quiet, quiet, quiet.

A big part of what is making me sad is that I was thinking how every single time (i’m like 99% sure) I’ve had sex since Baby was born, I did not initially feel like it, and did not initiate it, because I’ve been too tired, exhausted, feeling like no time, and not feeling pretty or myself at all, since the baby was born. like it was R who initiated it every time, but, of course, it was my decision, in response, to get into it or not, which, most times, I decided to get into it and ended up enjoying it. But I was regretting this now and thinking like, “if we never had sex- if he had just followed how I felt this entire time, I wouldn’t be in this position right now.” like I’m regretting the sex, which I never in my life as a naturally amorous and sensuous person, is something I thought I would regret, which in itself is making me really sad. i’m thinking and wondering seriously like: should I just never have sex again? is it the best thing to do to avoid this pain and suffering? it’s the only 100% effective contraceptive. every other instance of sex in the future, no matter what birth control we use, there’s a chance I might have to either go through this again, or have another baby.

i laid down around noon but don’t remember sleeping at all. i felt like i had been awake and alert the whole time when R came in the room. but when he came in i looked at the clock again and it was 1 pm, so i must have slept. when i got up i cried hard, and screamed loud when i thought R had left the house. Just all this anger came out in one quick but intensely guttural scream. was in my mind questioning everything: if i regret marrying him, if i regret everything- ever meeting him. if i really want a bigger family or to be with someone who could provide for a bigger family…or if it’s all just guilt- my own guilt. And again the feeling of overwhelming unfairness over how we both participated equally (somewhat) in the sex, yet I alone am the one who bears all the physical consequences – this alone feeling of being trapped in my body, trapped by my biology. And how much all these thoughts were stemming from my own mind vs. the effects the pill- the mifepristone i took this morning.

I think most of it was chemical, because I was also thinking thoughts like, “why am I folding this laundry if all the clothes are going to get dirty again anyway?” And “why am I making the beds, for the same reason,” etc. – a pretty abnormal outlook for me.

then after I woke up from the supposed nap, and cried hard, and R brought me a chocolate milkshake later, I started feeling better. when he was actually present with me in the room, I didn’t feel any animosity towards him- only love, and the usual openness. I think it was all in my mind. But in the moment, it seemed so real.

4/25/23

“the empyrean of quiet” – sharon olds

took misoprostol vaginally today, 10:48 am. laid down, was tired.

just an hour later, feeling something. hurt when sneezed, but no pain yet other than that.

first blood gushes around 12:40 PM

contractions feel mild.

4:28 pm: just a lot of blood spurting these past few hours, but no more pain/discomfort than a regular period. every cramp that seems to be nearing painful, resides before it does. Was able to do all the things I normally can during a period, and was not confined to the bed writhing in pain like I thought I would be. appetite greatly reduced all day today, and yesterday too, kind of.

4/26/23

had a dream last night (well it was early in the morning, between nursing baby and falling asleep again) that when I woke up from it, I closed my eyes and kept trying to remember and remember and even fall into again, because it felt so good. I feel like I only remember like 30% of it now. but I was in some strange place, like a different dimension, or a crowded party, it was dark, but a festively chaotic atmosphere. some kind of matrix/black blueprint-looking place. And there were maybe three separate occasions-three different guys that maybe I’ve seen before (irl do not know them)- but when I looked at them in the dream, they seemed just so newly attractive to me, I was attracted to each, and they to me, subtly, we were eyeing each other on each occasion, we were reaching out. Tentatively, softly, things were almost in slow motion. And then there was this scene with me and rodrigo, I am lying on my back with my head in his lap- he’s sitting- while i was talking to my boss (weirdly), who is standing, and we’re all in this different dimension still, and Rodrigo interrupts by leaning his head down and kissing me, the sweetest slowest, most open-mouthed, explorative kiss, and it was heavenly, heavenly. It was the last thing I remember.

gushes have stopped, just slow blood now. just trickling.

skin (all parts previously bad- feet, leg and neck, hands) still on the mend, improving, it’s obvious. and seems systematic. i’ll see if (and when) the downward spiral starts again. Maybe soon, since i’m no longer pregnant? what i hope for- my dearest hope- is for it to keep getting better and never return.

i feel so much better not pregnant. relieved, relief. i feel more myself. i don’t want to be pregnant anymore- at least not anytime in the near future. I’m relieved about everything- going through the physical pain and it still maybe not working- i was so worried before. I didn’t even know about Hey Jane- R told me about it- i thought i had to physically go into the clinic. Doing this was so much easier to juggle with work and planning it out for the best time (aka when baby wasn’t here). i’d actually called one local place before he told me about Hey Jane, and they told me to expect to wait there 4-6 hours at my appointment, and i was wondering how i’d take that time off so suddenly (need to give two weeks’ notice for PTO). Also they quoted me it’d be $560 for the pills, whereas with Hey Jane, we only paid $250.

4/27/23

baby pooed a huge one this morning, and i was washing him in the shower. i took a step back from the tub near the end and suddenly realized my hands were not hurting- nowhere near the pain they had been all these past months. it was maybe the first time i’ve showered baby and my hands not hurt (it was just the most distant and minimal of stinging that can hardly be called stinging, that went away fast when i rubbed it). i felt…happy at this. more put together, more myself, relieved, strong, stronger. i want with all my heart to never go back to how it was, and part of me worries that it might, that this physical (and consequently mental) relief is just fleeting.

appetite still not really back yet, have no urge to snack like I usually do. Just eating small basic meals like 2-3x a day. sometimes I try to think what I might like to eat, but can’t even picture anything specific. I really must be not pregnant anymore.

been feeling a kind of drastic, it seems, mood change. I feel…high. in love. For the past two days. like it’s…like love is residing close to me, like it’s just fingertip-length reach all the time, surrounding me all the time. I haven’t felt this way in a long time, I think. I feel like I’m swaying in the middle of a crowd at a wonderfully loud concert, breathing in the weed-laced air – it feels like a chemical change, almost. But…I don’t know what caused it- I’m not taking any medication- except it all started the day after the abortion. Maybe it was the release from all the worry, after seeing it went well and I had nothing to worry about? Maybe (definitely?) it’s hormone/chemical changes from losing the pregnancy. But I feel like what it most was, was the dream. The dream I had the other morning where I kissed my husband, we kissed each other. I feel like it all started then. And I feel, as a result of this love-high vibration, this reserve—this storage of strength and energy, at my core. Like I had energy, this morning, to take care of Baby for a few hours, until around 11 am. I didn’t feel so tired when I woke up that I needed to immediately pass him off to my dad, like I usually do. A sort of slow-burning, high energy now. So surprising, suddenly. And coming from where- I don’t know. Somewhere.

4/28/23

just yesterday, I noticed baby says “yea” now instead of yes. He must’ve just realized he can do that and that they mean the same thing.

today, blood coming a little more red and liquidy (yesterday it was more brown and not very much). I do feel my uterus is still open and contracting. I guess it’s not a straight line to being bloodless, it’s kind of wavering back and forth. This is not the same as my normal period, which does follow a straight line from bloody to bloodless.

what i told myself today while baby nursed for two hours straight (from about 4:30-6:45) and i was so hungry: “you’re not gonna faint and you’re not gonna die, so you’re fine.” but I had reached a point of the-world-is-ending feeling of hunger.

4/29/23

weighed myself at 97 pounds today, gained 9 pounds since last weighed months ago. happy about that- it’s closer to my normal weight. R is still sleeping with Baby every night, I think that’s a big contributing factor to how I was able to gain it back.

4/30/23

prayed last night as I lay in bed before sleep: dear God, please let this keep going and never go back. Let it never go back. Please bless my skin and bless my body. Amen.