a purifying fire

3/19/23

it’s amazed me several times already how rodrigo, when the baby is sleeping, hears him when he wakes, before I do. I thought I would have that “maternal instinct” and be the first one to notice his cries, but R still has been able to hear baby wake up before me, with us being in the same room the same distance away from him, several different times now, and across many months.

3/20/23

got to lie in bed naked with R yesterday, we found time during baby’s long nap in the afternoon. It was so nice because I can’t remember the last time we had that luxury of time – we even had time to stream-of-consciousness chat afterwards and just talk and laugh in bed. Usually bc of baby we are so time-crunched that we have sex with clothes on and without any formalities or anything “nonessential.” I was just sitting here looking out the window remembering it, and smiled, glad that we hadn’t forgotten how to be lovers, glad to know that it was just put on hold for now. I thought, “this is going to be a good marriage.”

another reason i don’t use phone much anymore while nursing, compared to when he was a younger baby: now, he is aware enough to notice (and be bothered by) when i’m not paying attention to him. The other week as we were getting ready to nurse, he actually grabbed my phone, threw it off the bed, and said, “put away!” Also problematic if he sees the phone: he knows it plays videos and will ask to watch Hickory Dock videos and get distracted from nursing/sleeping.

3/21/23

sometimes I’m so tired I can’t talk. like to just think of saying something audibly, I can’t do it, because I know it will actually hurt to put forth the energy. I’ve never felt this level of tired in my life, and for such a sustained length of time.

at the same time, I feel that, with each day, imperceptibly, things are getting easier than they once were- easier than when just after baby was born (which was the hardest). I couldn’t even say exactly how, except that I am doing more things now than I could before, like driving to my parents house to pick him up, whereas before, I couldn’t even think of doing that- I just let them bring him back. Now I can put forth a little more energy, I have a little more energy to give.

3/25/23

what i love about him growing up is that i sense that soon i won’t be able to hide anything from him; he sees and hears everything, and senses things too. i feel like he’ll be like a purifying fire that calls out all our hypocrisies.