11/21/22
9:35 pm
sometimes it feels like all parenthood is, is household chores to the 10th degree.
1:12 am
something that sucks is pretty often, like maybe once a night or every other night, i’ll be falling asleep while breastfeeding but then he will do that thing where he bites down right at the end when he’s done, and it of course wakes me right up, which makes it take longer to fall asleep again. He’s asleep and i’m just staring into the dark wide awake now.
1:54 am
sometimes when it gets hard, I pretend I’m me from 20 years in the future and he’s all grown up and moved out but I’m getting a second chance to relive a memory, coming into this moment, missing all the special baby closeness I had with him so long ago.
11/22/22
it’s not just the waking up all night to nurse; it’s also, while i’m lying in bed trying to sleep, the dread thinking about when the next time i’ll be woken up will be (usually every 2-3 hours, more or less). this lack of peace now, compared to when i was childless and would lie down knowing i wouldn’t wake again til morning. This pretty much 100% certainty of broken sleep each and every night- it’s a kind of sinking feeling i’ve gotten used to. there’s this underlying feeling of “why bother” going to sleep when i’m always about to be woken up anyway.
11/24/22
I don’t think I’ve ever said to anyone before, “I’m going to try to take a shower,” but I said it to R tonight, while the baby was sleeping, and we both understood what I meant. before the baby, it was always just, “I’m going to take a shower.”
11/25/22
I had a thought today that maybe a reason people insist on you getting married before having children is because of the possibility of children aging you and bringing so much turmoil and upheaval into your life that you need the like bond of marriage before you go through all that, or else you would leave each other/be more inclined to split up just to get away from it all?
today was left alone with the baby from when we went to sleep last night (and he woke up all night to nurse as usual) until this morning when he woke up for the day finally and I was so tired all I wanted to do was just have a few hours’ interrupted sleep but I had to get up with him because no one was here and rodrigo had left early for work while we were still in bed, and all day it was just baby and I, him needing constant attention and love and care, and me just trying to fit things in like brush teeth and eat or drink something, him pulling at my clothes and my pant leg needing me every minute unless he was sleeping (which he only took approx one hour nap), and at one hyper point again (for like the second time this month) hit the back of his head on my lip which bled and left a dark red mark right in the middle of my lip, and later while nursing he bit me and was laughing even though I said “no” seriously, it was late afternoon and the biting was just kind of the hair that broke the camel’s back and made me start crying cause it hurt on top of everything else, and it was during this cry when I had this disturbing thought: “I can’t kill him now because there’s so many photos and videos of him on Facebook, that people would notice he was gone.” And that I had such a horrible thought about an innocent baby made me cry harder. I noticed though, that i only have these kinds of thoughts when I’m pushed to the limit, which is when I have no one to help me all day. i realized i really need a break in the morning- that is, for someone to take him when he wakes up, so I can sleep uninterrupted by myself after a night of constant interruption. If I have this kind of help, I don’t have these thoughts.
weighed myself yesterday at parents, i was 88.4. idk. Still eating as much as i want, but my sleep schedule still messed up from night nursing. my undies and pants that fit well before are now like falling off. and it’s annoying. I’m not spending money on new clothes; I’m just gonna grow back to my usual size when I can sleep like normal again.
Marriage Journal 