accidents

11/15/22

from the beginning, breastfeeding has felt like a ball and chain to me: constantly, and at any given moment, tied down unmoving and still in one place, often for hours. And that hasn’t really changed; it’s still like that. But i realize it’s – at the same time- this connection to baby that he has with no one else. Day and night, he calls “mama mama mama.” The other day, he was running to me and i stuck my arm out just to keep him away for a second and he bounced off it, his top-heavy head toppling him back and i cringed as he landed on it. An accident that I felt terrible for. Still, even after that (he was crying from the fall) and mom was taking him away to play so i could work, he still called for me. i can’t fathom needing someone that much, or thinking you need someone that much. And i don’t even know if it’s the breastfeeding…could it be just the amount of time we spend together (all day and night)?

11/16/22

last night when he was sucking on my right nipple it was so irritated and sensitive i had to basically pull it out during suction (and it always amazes me how much of it is in his mouth, i always underestimate that) and stick the left side in (he protested but not much, cause i did it quick and he was half asleep). i really think Silverettes saved my life in terms of breastfeeding tho- i think things would have been so much worse without them. They’re worth the like $67/pair and within a few weeks completely healed the irritated area I had back in like June, and it hasn’t come back (and I had the irritation for months and months).  I really wasn’t sure what to think when I first bought them, but I guess you just have to try new things sometimes if you want to discover some treasure.

kind of…monumental day, for me, tho no one else would notice. today he went 7, almost 8 hours (during the day) without breastfeeding. He usually does it every 3-4 hours. he has been eating more lately, and this morning he ate eggs  and strawberries with grandpa and later puffs and maybe more quail eggs and other stuff with granny. same foods, but just he’s been eating more quantities of it. It does seem like he’s slowly weaning himself because of these reasons. It made me feel …better, A bit relieved. That we’re going forward, and this cycle of nonstop breastfeeding won’t be forever.

11/17/22

what if, even when everything seems the most messed up it can be and out of alignment and just not right, like with your skin, what if you embraced the mindset of any current situation you are in as being perfect? Perfect not as in the ideal situation, but perfect as in complete, not striving for anything, nothing wrong with it. While it’s true I am always trying to move towards the goal of healing my skin, I just realize there’s also this mind place that is the healthiest place for my mind to be in: that there is nothing wrong with me. That every step of the journey is beautiful, whether I get there finally or not. I’m lucky just to be here. I’m lucky just to have life and energy and intellect to keep trying, regardless of whether i make it to where I really hope to go.

11/19/22

tonight during the hyper-energetic burst he gets right before falling asleep, he banged his face against mine and hit my lip with his teeth so hard my lip was bleeding and it hurt so much that my left eye was tearing.