H for Hunter

10/8/22

contrary to what i first thought (and hoped), healing is not going in a straight line. It got better, then a little worse. but i notice that there’s a certain level of bad that it is not reaching, that it went to before.

another reason I realized having a kid is exhausting, not just physically: if you were taught shame or other negative things in your childhood, you realize it as he’s going through the stages you went through, and you’re trying to unlearn it as you go, while also distancing yourself from it in order to make up new ways to teach him differently, that you never considered before. all this takes a lot of emotional and intellectual energy I think.

10/12/22

he’s so observant/sees what we don’t see. He was just running around the room playing and suddenly started saying “Mickey” a lot and me and my dad had to look around for a minute to realize a video had just come on the TV with mickey mouse in the background of the video.

10/13/22

last night, when he woke up half asleep, he said “doo doo” (what he calls baby shark) and then fell back asleep. then this morning, while mom was using the vacuum downstairs, he screamed “vacuum!” so clearly, it was really funny. when he hears her using it, he keeps saying “vacuum” and making a “woo woo” vacuum noise.

10/14/22

something i learned bc of baby (and mom screaming it at me during stressful times): like…. when he needs me, i have to stop cleaning/putting things away and attend to him first. i didn’t really get that at first. I am/was so used to cleaning up after myself. but with a baby, sometimes (a lot of times) you just can’t. you just kind of have to drop everything.

I started wearing this necklace with an H on it just today, made out of my old Silverettes that I sent back and they made into this charm. Hunter noticed and pointed at it and I told him, “H, for Hunter”, and he repeated this (in simplified baby form) after me. I’ll try to always wear this necklace and when he’s old enough see how far back he remembers, he’s only one year and one month old now. 

baby is peeing in the sink now. we just hold him standing at the edge and make a “sssss” sound and he goes (esp in the morning just after waking). I’ve been trying to tune in to his peeing/poo schedule and trying to get mom in on it too. He peed in his baby potty for the first time yesterday – he went to mom and said “pee pee poo poo” and mom and dad took off his pants and sat him on the baby potty and made the sssss noise and he peed. I came downstairs in time to see the end of it and join them in the clapping.

He’s learning so many words now. Tonight he kept saying “out” and “walk” so we took him out on a walk and while he was walking, he kept saying to himself, “walk walk walk” – it was really cute.