8/6/22
this is the baby i’ve wanted my whole life. he’s…electric and unpredictable – he’s nothing like I thought he’d be.
8/9/222
had such a vivid, all-encompassing dream that when I woke up, wasn’t sure where I was for a while, and thought everything that happened in it had actually happened. It was when I went back to sleep around 8 am to 11 am. There was more of course, but this is just what I remember: R had just started a new job and I went with him to it on his first day, just to tag along. It was in a big warehouse that didn’t have a very friendly feeling, it was so big you kind of felt your identity lost as you walked through it. There was a supervisor and only a few other workers (all men) working there. After the supervisor gave R some instructions, R said to me, in the spirit of giving me something to do, something like, “why don’t you go clean?” as in like, help clean up around the warehouse so as to look like a good wife/make him look better, I guess? which in the dream enraged me. so much so that I just walked away right after he said this, and weirdly, passed Steven (ex-bf, who just watched me) on my way as I walked away, he was on his way in, and with such thoughts in my head as: getting on a train going cross country and permanently settling far away, taking the philly subway maybe, and how far I could go—all I knew was that I definitely had to leave, permanently, as I strode away. I forgot some essential at home, so had to stop there quick to pick it up and everyone (I guess meaning my parents) saw me and didn’t say anything (although I saw somewhere they had made up some missing person posters for me already) and I got what I needed and left. And then there was this “oh no” moment of the dream when I realized I had a baby and my first thought was, “oh I can’t leave him, he won’t have anyone to breastfeed him.” Then realized I had to take him with me if I was going to be gone for so long, and that that canceled out any possibility of me going super far away by plane, because I didn’t want to subject him to a plane ride while he was still so young. This feeling of limited choices. But the feeling of needing to get far away permanently was by far the prevailing feeling in the dream. I don’t remember a defined ending…but it was just weird because irl, I’m not mad at R or anything; I still feel very much in love with him. I know sometimes when things get hard with the baby, my ego is quick to heap all the blame on him, but in reality I know that it’s not true; that again, we both wanted this (but I still think most of the physical, emotional, and sleep-related hardship does fall on me – maybe that’s the root of the dream, this feeling of unfairness?).
is the incredible warmth of his little hands pressed against me as he finally winds down into the final stages of nursing, drifting off to sleep softly beside me, worth the half hour or hour or more of me having to keep picking him up from crawling off the edge of the bed during his whiny, restless, fighting-sleep stage that directly precedes this? idk. idk. all i know is it’s a different plane i’m living on now – it went from me being the center of the universe, to absolutely not-me. I’m in a strange and disconcerting place where my body is not fully mine, my time is not fully mine, even my sleeping position at night is not mine – it depends on the baby – how and when he wants to nurse.
8/11/22
had another really vivid dream this morning, and at same time as the last vivid dream, when I got my unbroken sleep from 8 am – 11 am (the night was all broken up by baby waking up asking to nurse). It was kind of a pleasurable dream, and when I woke up I just laid in bed remembering it, and it made me want to go somewhere where there was a carousel, bc that was one of the main features in the dream. I think it was me, baby, dad, R, and maybe 1 or 2 other guys/family members? walking through some amusement park, maybe on the boardwalk, and we weren’t going to go on any rides or spend any money (this feeling I have recently of needing to save money irl was carried over into the dream), but the carousel entrance happened to stop right in front of us just as we were passing it, and dad was like, “what the heck, let’s do it” so we presumably paid for tickets and all got on, and it was really pretty, mirrors, pink, glittery, magical, horses, curly manes, pastel colors, etc. mom and maybe another female family member were sitting back somewhere else off where I couldn’t see. I was excited for baby to try the carousel for the first time. The horses moved up and down. And then we were at this elaborate dinner with the owner of something, she was important somehow, and I poured the drink for her – it was something (lime? magic rock?) mixed with water which I was about to pour into a regular glass but at the last second her attendant, a man, put a shot glass underneath the pitcher I was pouring from – apparently the important lady’s drink was supposed to go in a shot glass, and he took it back when it was full and gave it to her and she tipped her head back, and all was well and everyone was happy and drank as well. there was a lot of sweetness and pink and candy-like things in this dream. I even remember there was a necklace (mine?) with a rose quartz pendant that I decided to, instead of save to wear, I ate it – took a bite out of it- and it was good, like rock candy.
8/13/22
grounding stuff arrived yesterday and I started using them already (slept on the mattress pad), feel good, nothing life-changing yet, but it’s only been one night!
Marriage Journal 