an elaborate hoax

7/13/22

I don’t even have the desire to drink (alcohol) anymore; I’m already, due to lack of sleep, forgetful and absent-minded enough sober, every day. if I drink, I feel like my mind would be just…way too empty/full.

he’s taking a lot more steps now, maybe six or seven, and then falling on top of you. And he starts laughing while looking at you as if you just told the funniest joke even tho you didn’t do anything, out of nowhere, and a lot. it’s the cutest.

7/14/22

I think one of his cutest times of the day is when he first wakes up. at first it seems like he doesn’t know where he is and he’s dumbfounded and is looking at you but he also is usually in a really good mood and smiling, and wanting to talk. if he’s still drowsy, he’ll say “mama” or “nene” with the weirdest accents and intonations and lilt in his voice that he usually says correctly when fully conscious, or he’ll roll over for a cuddle and fall back asleep hugging me. And I get to be there for each one of those times… I’m so lucky.

I had a strange dream early this morning that I keep remembering (but now I only remember a part of it I think). It was…I was at some kind of rally with a lot of people- people filling a huge room and also I think flooding onto the streets, listening to a speaker. And I think I was agreeing with/into what the speaker was yelling about- I forget what he was saying now- until….there was a part in his speech where he asked the audience something like what they deserved from their country/government or what the people wanted. And a man (maybe a scruffy strange man) standing near me said, “SEX!” (in the dream this meant sex with their partners/wives whenever they wanted it) and then a man near him seconded it, and maybe a few more, and in their voices, I felt their dissatisfaction with the way things currently were, by the way they shouted – and that’s when the dream turned for me – I felt scared and suddenly very…aware of my body, the vulnerability of it when surrounded by men shouting that they wanted sex on demand, and in the midst of a riled-up crowd, I immediately got a sense that things might go really wrong if I stayed standing where I was, so I bolted as soon as this shouting started, my heart all frightened, but also this…this righteous-angry feeling, like “WTF.” I ran in the dream – I ran far and hard- I think even out of the town and into some grassy more woodsy location- with all my might and my sense. I felt like I was fleeing for my life, and that I had to warn others…like other women, maybe. That’s all I remember now, it’s been many hours since the dream. I forget what happened after that. i know i had more dreams too, like 2 or 3 others, but this is the only one i remember. 

7/15/22

we’re getting back in bed and going to sleep again faster than I have time to clean the bed. I like to make the bed daily, but this week like 3 nights passed before I had time to.

7/16/22

yesterday checked out two (physical) books from the Philly library: “The Year After Childbirth” by Sheila Kitzinger, and “The Postnatal Depletion Cure” by Oscar Serrallach, and dove in as soon as I got back in the car, with R driving. felt good to hold books again (I’ve been reading so many e-books since the pandemic started) and I drank in the words with my fingers resting on the smooth pages. After beginning both books, I realized today as I closed the Kitzinger one (they both seem REALLY good though) how much stronger I feel just when I know more – I haven’t even put anything into practice yet- but just KNOWING and learning more gives me such a sense of well-being. Especially when I’m so specifically thirsty for the exact subject I’m reading about.

I’m only 36 pages in, but something that struck me so far was this bit. After sections talking about how time is no longer your own, the anxiety and emotional rollercoaster, Western culture guilt and pressure placed on new mothers, stresses on a relationship, and physical bodily changes: “With all of this happening, it can feel at times as if, in having a baby, an elaborate hoax has been played on you. This sense of being cheated is accentuated because becoming a mother is seen as a great achievement. Congratulation cards flow in, and people…smile as if you had done something out of the ordinary and the baby was a special kind of gift.” I just feel so much healthier/sound of mind/normal when I read that I am not alone in my experience.