7/4/22
The past few weeks, he’s been standing up a lot, more and more, and recently has been taking one or two steps and then falling
I heard Mindy Kaling comment about parenthood something like: “I just have this low level of anxiety 24/7” and I kind of know what she means now. especially when we leave the house and are out somewhere, my mind is searching for every possible danger to baby. The other day we were in Walmart and he was in the shopping cart and I kept thinking that someone was going to come too fast out of another aisle and T-bone us right where baby was sitting (and I told R this worry, I didn’t care if it made me seem crazy or too anxious) – i couldn’t relax. And I noticed frequently when I feel uptight like this- which is a lot- my mind goes to blame my husband. My inner dialogue goes something like: “well if you didn’t put this baby in me, I could be a carefree happy bitch like I always was, but this is what you wanted, so this is how it is now.” but i want to analyze this blame; I’m not sure it’s true. 1) It’s not 100% him who wanted the baby, I know that somewhere, I wanted him too, even though I never said it was time to ‘try’ now and we never decided it together officially. 2) I don’t do the reverse of this blame and credit my husband when I get feelings of joy and happiness from the baby (which is a lot) – I only blame him when it feels bad. That’s not fair. 3) no matter what happened, whether it’s a breakup or having a new baby, no one other than me can control my reactions to things and how I feel. I create my reality, my inner dialogue, the story I tell myself about what’s happening. It’s totally in my control and it’s my responsibility to comfort myself as much as possible during challenging times using my creativity. No one will do it for me or should do it for me or can do it as well as I. Yes, there may be more anxiety due to caring for another life, but that doesn’t mean I need to be in a state of anxiety AND blame, which adds a whole nother ugly level to the already-bad feeling. I think blame is just the easy way out, to keep from assuming my own responsibilities and skirt the work of self-reflection.
And lastly, I just don’t want to feel that way toward my husband. I don’t want to blame him in my mind for something he’s not really guilty of. It’s untrue, and dangerous in that if left unchecked, hostility can build up toward him and get between us, and for no good reason. Our baby is amazing, so amazing and cute and handsome and smart and wonderful, even if he is a lot of work. And for all the sleepless nights and anxiety and upheaval and everything, I think I would never go back after meeting hunter and knowing him – I could never give him up now. And much of the reason I married and fell in love with my husband is because I saw that he’s not afraid to change in life, to push limits, test boundaries, which having a kid does all these things like To The Max, and if I had married a “safer” person, maybe I would never have experienced the joy of having a child, as I think that on my own, I would be too afraid to have even tried to get pregnant, because I was always focused on the pain of childbirth and the work of raising a child and not really on anything positive about the experience, which I kind of do a lot ( it was the same reason I never would’ve bought a house on my own- I was focused just on the headache of paperwork, but I’m glad we did, glad that we went through it, with R leading the way).
also when R’s waiting for me to get ready and it’s taking me extra long to do things because I now have a baby to think of too, I get mad because….well the inner dialogue that makes me mad is, “well you knew how I was, that I already took a long time to get ready as a childless person, what did you think would happen? That I would get faster with a baby to take care of?” In truth though, it never (even when we were dating/living together) seemed like R minded waiting for me to get ready – i think this is just a stressor I alone put on myself, for some reason.
there’s also this tendency I have to think about alternative ways my life would have gone, if not for the baby. I think about how I would look prettier (bc i’d be getting enough sleep and not have this little chub left on my belly still from pregnancy), maybe be smarter because I would’ve had more time to read, that I would be more well-rested, less tied down, etc. But I also realize that this is a really destructive way of thinking, because it makes you not live in the moment and not be grateful for what you have. And I know deep in my heart, if I had to choose, I would always choose the life with baby. It’s just so hard that i need some way to deal, and I guess this way of thinking is my defense mechanism for coping with hard times.
7/7/22
I think I’ve never felt so compelled to buy so many things for someone until this baby. I just love to see how his face changes with happiness at new things.
feeling slight cramps today and yesterday that almost feel like period cramps/like my period is coming? i kind of don’t want it to come back; it’s so nice to have that one less thing to worry about.
7/8/22
noticed a change lately- instead of extremely tired, i’m feeling just “very tired.” which is progress. maybe it’s because of the warmer weather? or just body is adapting to this baby routine? Bc he doesn’t seem to be sleeping much more at night… still wakes maybe 3x a night. i might try brewers yeast to get me closer to feeling normal, i just read that helps mothers w their energy levels.
Marriage Journal 