4/24/22
tonight started him on the amoxicillin, his cough kept sounding bad and runny nose and watery eyes continued and worsened and we all just felt so bad for him, he seemed more tired too. i wonder if i had started it sooner, if we could have skipped over all these ugly symptoms. i feel horrible about it. i was trying, in my mind, to preserve the quality of his gut microbiome, like prevent antibiotic-resistant bacteria in his future…i really thought and hoped he would be that 80% of 6 mo.+ infants that i read don’t need antibiotics for an ear infection, since he’d been born so healthy and stayed so healthy until now, 7 months later. but idk now…now i just feel stupid for not listening to the doctor right away. as he sleeps next to me breathing, his every struggling breath accuses me. we also all (me, R, and mom) all started feeling sick, I think with the same thing Hunter has bc he keeps coughing and sneezing in our faces, so another reason that maybe if I started him on the antibiotic earlier, his body might have nipped it in the bud and not passed it to all of us?
4/25/22
in the back seat this afternoon while mom drove hunter around the block to put him to sleep before she left, i realized something… it’s a good thing i don’t have a car, bc i don’t think a person as sleep-deprived as me should be driving.
i kinda feel like you should do pretty much everything you wanted to do in life before you have a kid, bc i can’t picture a situation where i would have time to do them now/anymore.
hunter’s only had 3 doses out of the prescribed 20 doses so far and he’s already doing a lot better; he had almost full energy today, crawling around again, laughing, almost screaming again. but i could tell he’s still uncomfortable sometimes, and he still has a cough (tho it sounds a little better?) and runny nose. watery eyes seem gone.
4/26/22
I’m worried about his lungs because of how loud and phlegmy his cough is.
today before we went outside, my mom had to point out that my boob was hanging out. I was too tired/distracted to notice. I wear a lot of low-cut things now to get my boob out more easily for Hunter to eat, and I looked down and it was just hanging out and I was about to walk into public like that.
this sounds dramatic, but I really felt this today: I feel like it will take the rest of my life to de-stress my body from the overwhelm that came with having the baby and subsequent taking care of him as a newborn/infant. And that it will take a year of silence for my mind to deprogram the Badanamu and Cocomelon songs out of it.
4/28/22
today couldn’t stop thinking about this one dream i had last night, i think bc it felt so nice and intimate. i can’t even remember many details except it was in public, many ppl roaming around, maybe it was work, i worked as a waitress, cause there were round dining tables with white tablecloths all around. our uniforms were black vests over white collared shirts.
and i passed another waiter, my co worker i think, and we were very good friends at least, bc as we passed, he held out his hands i thought just to squeeze my hands in passing (everything was so busy, there was that feeling) but what he did when we squeezed hands was pull me to him, and held me amid everything going on- we were still for a moment among all the movement- and i think even kissed me, in front of everybody. i was really surprised and didn’t expect it and neither did the surrounding ppl i think…i think some stopped and stared at us, but the touching and closeness felt so good that i didn’t care.
my first interpretation of this as i thought about it consciously during the day came pretty quickly: i miss my husband. we’re so caught up in the hustle and bustle of baby care and he’s been working late a lot and we both have our own projects we’re trying to do that we haven’t had alone time together in what seems too long; i wish everything could stop for a moment, or he would stop everything for a moment somehow, to step outside of all this and make time to be with me- really be with me, just us. i was so in love in that dream, in that moment. It felt so good for someone to be so deliberate with me, to pull me close, despite everything. to be saved from the black and white of work and monotony.
4/29/22
this morning while nursing and almost falling asleep, he started laughing to himself, chuckling on my boob and then closing his eyes again, several times. was so funny, kind of made my day.
Marriage Journal 