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11/1/21

today I think was kinda the first time I felt really excited to pick up and hold Hunter. We have this automatic baby swing that I just found out a few days ago, will sometimes lull him to sleep for a while if I put it on the highest setting (was so relieved to get another time-buying tool in my belt). But the feeling came today when he had been swinging in there for a while – like an hour or so- while I’d been cleaning up and doing chores. I kept looking at how cute he was whenever I passed him, and what chores I could do on the couch in front of him, I did, just so I could stare at him – he’s getting fat- he has neck rolls and leg rolls and his head had tilted to the left from the swinging so it looked like he was just this curious innocent sleeping fat thing, and I hurried up to finish what I had to do so I could hold him again, imagining how he would feel in my arms (he’s getting heavy too). He’s so warm. He’s warmer than me – he sweats easily. Maybe it’s taken me so long to feel this typical mom feeling of missing baby (he’ll be two months old in 9 days) because I’d been so stuck to him since the day he was born- no time away from him – but then discovering the swing could buy me time – even an hour or two sometimes (but it doesn’t work all the time) – gave me the time and space to finally step back and see him bigger picture, and miss him.

11/2/21

been thinking of something lately that R told me, maybe a few weeks ago, -I’m pretty sure it was after Hunter was born. it seemed like something he’d kind of just realized after thinking about it a lot. He told me he thinks it was his “fault” – the pregnancy. Because we were both, officially in words to each other, trying to NOT get pregnant. But what he told me was he thinks it was him who did it, subconsciously, because he thinks he really wanted to be a dad. I was just like “ok..” when he told me. It would have been easy for him to “accidentally” slip up, because the method we were using was I was tracking my cycles using basal body temp chart (along w other signs) and when I saw I was in fertile period I would just tell him to not cum in me, and trusted him not to. For a while after he told me, with all the hardships of round-the-clock care of Hunter, I would sometimes in my mind “blame” R, saying to myself like, “the reason I am getting up to change a diaper at 3 in the morning right now is only because R wanted a baby and didn’t tell me and now I’m stuck with this life.” But…after a few more weeks of thinking of it…I realized the whole reason I chose to be with R- chose to marry him- was partly because I knew he was the kind of person who pushed me to do things that I was too…scared or lazy or shy to do, but really wanted to. He proved this to me while we were dating, and I realized that…if he does this while we’re married, I shouldn’t fault him for it, because it’s really a characteristic I like/want, and I knew it all along, AND I’m actually…happy we have Hunter. I know that…if 100% left up to me, I’m pretty sure I would never have chosen to get myself pregnant: I was scared of all the work and responsibility. But now that it’s all happened…I can kind of foresee, after this dark period of Not Sleeping is over, I can kind of see that…this baby will change our lives for the better, and is a great blessing.

11/4/21

was thinking today about seasons in the northeast. How the cold, even though we don’t like it and it doesn’t feel good, makes the spring and summer so much more beautiful and relieving, like they are delicious heavenly rests between the peaks of contractions. I think, probably, those living in areas that are warm all the time don’t feel this exhilaration when the warm weather returns. and sometimes, even the cold can be beautiful (snow).

The other night, I felt so bad and sick like I was coming down with a fever, but the next day I woke up and the feeling was gone, I felt normal. Then yesterday I had one of the most stressful days I’ve ever had in my life I think (went to used car dealer to get better deal on a car, it was 1 1/2 hrs away, spent so long there, office was small and smelled like cigarettes, had to pull over on the side of unfamiliar highway at night to nurse crying baby on the way home), and thought I would be feeling tired today, but I actually feel better than usual. Weird.

it was last week or the week before, I fell asleep, a quick nap, while nursing and dreamt that I was apologizing to Baby my cat (passed away) because recently (in real life) I’ve started slipping up and calling Hunter some of the same pet names that I used to call Baby. I felt sad, guilty, and sorry in the dream. like I betrayed Baby a little bit by using the same pet names on both my babies, even if I used some just one time with Hunter.